if you are not taking this time to spend focusing on school, then what is keeping you from me?

if you are still following me around and playing games and not taking this time to spend on school, then why have you not come back to me?

this makes no sense. coming back to me is a good thing. but you treat it as a sentencing.
i have run out of ways to beg. i have run out of ways to ask why.
i don't understand why if you want this too why you treat it as a horrible thing. it hurts me that you feel that way because it is not the case at all. and i don't know how to convince you otherwise unless we try again. but because you hesitate i feel like it is not what you want at all. and your silence has told me no different.

i am tired of crying. i pour my heart out to you everyday and i have yet to hear a word from you. i want a boyfriend and if you aren't willing, let me know please. because i don't understand why you would want to stall your happiness. that makes no sense. furthermore, you snuff my happiness by staying away and only haunting me from a distance.

i can't wait for someone that isn't coming. now that i know you are listening, you can't pretend not to hear me.

what happens when you graduate? i really want to go to your graduation, but i feel like you don't want me there. i mean, if you don't want me in your life then how could you want me to participate in you life's events? i feel like you want me to stay a secret. it makes me feel like you are ashamed of me. but if that is not the case, then why would you continue to allow it?

i mean, is all this is you not being able to apologize? seriously? is there some one else that you want? if you want me and i want you then why are not allowing us to try again?

are you just waiting to graduate so you can move away and forget that you want me too? Do you feel like you don't deserve a shot at happiness? or is it happiness you fear? i don't understand that but i am sure i could if you helped me.

but you won't even give me the satisfaction of hearing your voice. i saw through you charades and i found you even when you were hiding from me. i knew your words even when i did not hear you speak and you still pushed me away. i am tired of living with you as a memory. i am tired of pretending. you said you would stop pretending and you haven't.

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all you are to me is messages in my inbox.

you wanted it this way.

all i am to you is a creature in a zoo you made for me.

maybe i didn't realize how you work. maybe i am overestimating your ability to feel. or care. maybe it's not all your fault that you don't care, but it's your choice not to try.

you are from the dark side and so am i. that is why i thought it might work.

maybe it's better like this. because it would hurt to know that you can't really ever love me as i would you. i would have been grateful for your admiration and appreciation and what ever else you could manage. i would have been your biggest fan.

and maybe it's time i accepted that you will always keep your distance from me. because all i am to you is a hobby.

so much has happened that it is not correct to call you a stranger, eventhough i don't know your voice. and maybe i won't understand why i have thought you were someone i loved once for so long. i won't ever understand why you let me.

but now all i see are the lies. and all i can remember are the twisted memories of a guy i spent two days with once.

i have meant nothing to either of you despite my efforts. and that is my problem, i was trying to tempt fate when you can't pick who you love.

and worse, i can't control who loves me back, no matter how long i beg.

i get it now. he hasn't come back to me because he has no desire to. and you were never interested in actually getting to know me.

so, there it is. trajic as it seems, i feel better knowing what you have been trying to tell me this whole time.

i am not the one you want.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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