listening to: nat king cole so today was alright. Tonight i wish to talk about work. For all of you that don't know me, i work in cosmetics and a large part of my job involves the creative intricacies that no consumer will ever think about, but they would notice the lack of. For example, i went to a fragrance manufacturer today to finalize a new scent that will be used in a lip gloss later. it was a nice break from being locked away in the office. For this past week, the boss ladies have been in Italy, so i have been running things. It is absolutely chaotic at work,but i seem to be managing okay. I think the boss lady sees that i am capable of a lot more than she gave me credit for. i do enjoy my job and i am good at it, and i think that sometimes people only see me as they want to. I am very loud and animated with a demeanor that seems very juvenile to most. but the truth is, i am just me. i am loud and i like to laugh and sing and dance. i am confident and not shy, okay sometimes a little bossy. but i think that people see me incorrectly because they see these things first and simply brush me off as any other loud mouth. but the truth is that i am so much more. my friend ryan tells me that people from my old job see me as impenetrable, like nothing ever bothers me. but really, i care about what others think on some level and it hurts when they think i have no emotions. its just that i am very articulate and expressive so i think people become overwhelmed when they are first getting to know me. People have described me as intense and i suppose that is correct. but really, it just makes it difficult to get a date. i shouldn't have to be something i am not just to be noticed by a person. i don't want to have to impress someone to be noticed by them. yeah, i am lonely tonight too. it appears that he has made his choice and doesn't want me in his life, no matter where he is. i would have given a lot to keep that one, but i suppose not today. i don't like games and i thought he knew. doesn't he see how i have cried for so long waiting for him to notice me again? and it seems like that doesn't even matter to him because he doesn't care about how i feel since he doesn't care about me. Am i just a joke to him? do my feelings not matter? can't he see that it hurts me so badly when i wake up and he is not there? why did he bother doing all this if he didn't want to see me? why can't we just be grown ups for two minutes while he tells me what i don't know? maybe that is just it. since he doesn't care, he doesn't know that my heart breaks everytime i realize he is leaving. does he think that i am not good enough or something? seriously? i don't see why we couldn't just try again, but i don't even know where to begin. i don't know what he is afraid of other than liking me. so he tells me that i have to stay in the dark and i am supposed to be cool with that? why do i deserve that? why can't he just get to know me? why would that be so bad? so he is indecisive and i am the one that suffers. these games are not fun for me because it sucks everytime he isn't there and i don't think he even considered that. maybe to him this was just something to pass the time away. and even after all this, he keeps me in the dark and it breaks my heart everytime. what am i supposed to do, let him? i do not deserve this. and i think it sucks that he used my personal thoughts (last blog i moved from) against me. i just wanted to love him and i guess he thinks that i am not worthy. how does that make me feel and how am i supposed to be okay with that? he gets to just keep me in the dark, while i wait to see if i have earned his love? that makes no sense. love takes two people and a continous effort from both parties. one person giving everything doesn't make a relationship, and i don't see why he would ask that. if he cared at all, doesn't he want to love me too? doesn't he see that i cry almost every night and that i haven't been the same since he left? if he isn't considering my feelings then why should i wait? and for what am i waiting? and that is just it, no matter what i do, i will not be good enough for him. so that is that. i am sorry he feels that way, but i am not here to impress him, and i should'nt have to. especially when i am not getting anything out of all of this but heartbreak.

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listening to: The Killers--Mr. Brightside I don't understand why this is so difficult. If i like you and you like me, can't we just try to see if we could love too? or can't you just meet me half way? i can't be in this alone but it seems like that is what you want since i can't get anything out of you. i can feel you all around me and you never leave my thoughts, but when i turn around, you are not there. why can't you just tell me what you want? is it me? then, why are you waiting? what are you waiting for? it can't be my move since you know how i feel about you. i have screamed and shouted looking for you high and low, but all i hear is my own echo. i have missed you so long i can't believe that you are there unless you tell me. i mean, you really expect me to believe that you moved across country and started going to my favorite school in the world to study an entirely different profession? it is a little hard to swallow and i thought you knew that i am rational. plus, you won't give me any answers to my inquiries.if not now, when? can't you just give me something so that i know i am not waiting for you when you aren't coming? I would love you if you let me, no matter the circumstances, but you don't.

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listening to: queens of the stone age Hi. i am starting this website anew and would like to make friends that will help me by commenting on my blogs and leaving useful feedback. I am still learning the basics of this site so any tips you could help me with would be great.

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