my biggest fear is to end up living a life amongst the masses. i feel like my life should hold so much more than anything average. i don't know where my stars will take me and how i will get there. i am willing to work and sacrifice what ever i need to in order to achieve my dreams. but it seems like recently, i have made the wrong choices and all the planning i have worked for have turned out to be nothing.

god, let me keep my inner strength so i can continue in search of my destiny. do i reach too high? is that possible? do i just need patience and the will to keep going?

i see so many around me quietly take their place in the masses and i just won't let myself believe that is all i have left for me.

i have three weeks until my life changes, and what then? have i missed my opportunity with out even knowing it? is there any other way, and will i come across that? i hate this, part of me feels like such a fool. had i gone the easy way out, things would have been better, but i still would be just like them. so what then, will the answers ever come?

i hate this. i hate waiting. i hate not knowing what to focus on or go for.

i just wish something in my life could go correctly for a change. i keep hitting walls that are unclimbable and too thick to break. and so i wait, and remember that expecting a change won't make it happen. god, please give me strength and the wisdom to make the right decisions when they come.

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so i have made the calls. i have left voicemails. he is gone. i can feeling the distance between us getting larger. i want to lay in my bed and cry. but at least now i know that he was only a ghost. even if he was there and if he does love me, no matter what i do, he is not coming back. i just don't understand why he keeps wanting to run away. he went through all this trouble to find me, (or i found him, but wasn't supposed to) and now he is going to San Diego. to me, nothing would be too far. as i struggle to fight the tears back i wish i could beg you to stay. but that is what i have been doing this entire time. i have waited for more than a year for some type of sign that you wanted me back. and i still don't know if i have only heard my own echo this entire time. i hate your games and your stupid stubborness. so you push me away so you don't have to feel anything. well fine then. walk away from me, but this time when you look back i won't be there. i love you and i probably always will on some level. goodbye.

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can you just stop all the fuss and fears for a second and realize that i just want to love you? can't you see that? just calm down and realize that love is a good thing. i mean, i know we haven't spoken in a while and i know it might be a little weird. but i could find heaven in your voice, if you could find the courage to speak. i am tired of asking. i don't know what to think anymore, but i know i am still in the dark alone and i don't want to be. do you want me to move on? are you gearing up the courage to find me? can i please have something from you that shows me you care? i am so sad with out you and i just wish you would meet me half way. you leave me in the dark and then get jealous. i don't understand. you said you didn't want me then wonder why i am sad. you tell me to stay in the dark and then talk about love on April Fool's Day. i cannot numb this nor drown it in tears. so tell me what you want. send me an email, call me, show up at my work and take me to lunch. send me flowers or do something. because honestly at this point, i don't think you can hear me and i don't want to be alone anymore. i know if we could try again, maybe things would be great. but i can't do this alone. please help me.

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so this weekend my parents are leaving the house. i am excited. we have been doing so much work there and it will be nice to get a break from them.

i am looking forward to having the house to myself, but it will be a little scary there with out frank.

my sibling came over last night. i was too sad to deal with her and it seems that she is still intent on making my life more difficult. she is convinced that my parents are going to pay for everything for me once i move out. but really, my goal is that they won't have to pay for anything. but i think they are going to help me get a place in costa mesa or around here, so that is cool. B and i need to decide what we want.

damn i can't imagine having a place of my own. it will be so nice. B is clean and can cook sometimes. i know he is strange about money like i am. what is so strange is that the entire family doesn't want to tell my sister. she is going to freak out the entire time because my parents are paying attention to me. it is not my fault that she chose to use the money my parents gave her for her wedding. it's cool though. she can complain all she wants to because at the end of this i will have my own house. okay b too, but you get the idea. all i know is that i want a backyard and an older house instead of a condo. damn that is exciting. Maybe B can take me to look at places this weekend.

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ha i liked that allegory so i think i will use it. yeah, i have been very indirect with you because that is the only way i can get you to respond-- and i hate being indirect, ps. running out of time for what? seeing me? why though, you said you were still in the city of brotherly love. i don't know what you expect from me and perhaps if you could shed some light things could start to make sense. i am tired of all the games and whispers behind stage. on the other hand, the girls at work seemed to have liked my cake i brought this morning. dad and alice said they enjoyed the strawberries and short cake(ps, it's already gone).nice the girls just told me the cake was good. :) my parents and coworkers asked me if i got this wild hair up my ass. i told them that i have been naking for a while, just at Tess's house. it turns out i am pretty good at it i guess. oh damn gotta go, meetings for the rest of the afternoon.

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damn, Ryan cancelled so it looks like i won't be hitting up LA tonight for Pan'ts movie. (kicking rocks.) i really wanted to go, but what can i do since i refuse to go alone. and that is where i am at. and that is just it, if it's not him, i am not interested. this poses a bit of an issue because he can't seem to make up his mind about what he wants to do with me and i just wish he would call so i could hear him say, "water." but apparently that is TOO much to ask. he has no reason to fear me and i can't wait until he sees that. aside from the fact that i just remebered i have another midterm tomorrow in Econ, i am totally exhausted and would not be at my best. i am just pissed that now i have to tell pants(ps, email him right now), i won't be coming. i don't think he has hired some one and i want to know why!? he should hire me, i have decided. but how should i ask? hmm i will have percolate that.

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