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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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today has been much better. work is going better and i managed to get some sleep last night. i felt a bit down though and i found the excuse, so i went to the market. it is my favorite chore to do. i love shopping for food. i think it comes from going to the store with my grandma everyday. we would go to three markets everyday and i loved it. so i bought some munchies and cookies for the girls. i also went for mexican with tammy for lunch and it was good for me. yes that is my magazine(Motor Trend--May) and i bought it. i will probably suscribe soon, but i am afraid dad will jack it. So, Pants has another one of his movies with the party afterward on Monday. i really want to go but have no one to take me. but who would want to see a movie about Pee Tong who isn't into the scene? if i lived closer to LA, i would just go by myself. i wish i had some one that would take me to the movies, especially those. sigh, but where do i find him?

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everytime i try and donate blood, they just sit back and laugh when i begin to tell them what they will find in the screen. aside from various medications such as birth control, etc., i am also hypoglycemic. which basically means that i am the opposite of a diabetic(type 1) in the sense that i a have too much insulin and not enough blood sugar, whereas the diabetic would have not enough insulin. usually i do pretty well as long as i can manage to mainly eat protein. however, this becomes dangerous for me when i become stressed out because i internalize things and i causes me to start my period early. now instead of being a normal human, this means that my period will last for sometimes two weeks. once i begin to lose blood, i not only become more fatigued, but my ability to maintain proper blood sugar becomes very difficult. Today, for example, at work this afternoon has been particularly rough because a lot of things are going wrong. not only that but for the past few days i have been unable to control myself. i must be way past anemic because this morning my blood sugar dropped within a few minutes to the point where i become dizzy and confused. it feels like i lose control, then i began to gag and became very aggravated with the girls while they were asking questions, for no reason. i hate this feeling of losing control, but i have no choice. i am very fragile when my blood is concerned. i am not over weight or out of shape, quite the opposite. but i can't ever leave my house in the morning with out knowing what i will eat for lunch. i can't ever skip a meal and depenging on what i ate for the previous meal decides how long i have until i start to drop. Now keep in mind that blood sugar maintains the brain activity, so the first thing that goes is my sentence structure. then my coordination. i get dizzy and then become very frustrated or drowsy(depending on how fast i drop but this is usually within 20 minutes) this will never go away, and it will not change unless i do in fact become diabetic eventually (thank you genetics). it wakes me in my sleep and it effects most of my decisions. today was much worse. even now more than two hours later i feel dizzy. i have got to stop internalizing things because it is really effecting my health. i just hope dad remembers to bring home the iron because i keep getting dizzy. so, if any one knows how i can stop internalizing things, please leave some pointers. i need to learn how to relax and let go. deep breath, and i think i might just make it through the day.

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so it seems he doesn't want anything to do with me. fine then, i mean i was still unsure if it was cheese steak, but i suppose it doesn't even matter now. he doesn't want me and there is nothing i can do about that. i can't change myself to make him notice me because then he wouldn't be seeing me. again, no matter what i do, i won't be good enough for that one. i give up and that sucks. but i have no other choice. i don't want to wait for some one that isn't coming. eventually, i suppose i will stop caring about him, and i think the only way to do that is to move on. he must not see my worth and there is nothing i can do to change that. I love you. and i stayed because i thought there might be a chance i could change your mind. but if you don't want me in your life i will not be made the fool. this was your choice and i will obey despite my soul's cry. i won't lie, the first time i saw you, we were dancing at our wedding and i wanted so much for that to come true. and i would have had you in my life how ever you desired, but i guess not. push me away and i am leaving. you are cruel, but i am stronger than you think. i seek a love that fills my heart and makes me whole. i desire an equal that encourages me and supports me. some one to grow old with who will never leave my side. some of my friends ask me why i don't just date people to date, but i don't date as a source of entertainment. i seek a mate that brings life to my heart again. i guess i will just keep looking until i find some one that wants the same. although playmates occasionally stop by, they pass all the same. so i will wait for some one that sees my worth and desires the love i do. some one that gives his heart as i would mine. i don't think that is too much to ask. my problem is that when i love, i see only them. it is only a problem because sometimes the love is not returned. and i know one day i may love again, and perhaps then he will love me too. we will give eachother strength that cannot be matched and together we will conquer the world. until then.

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went swimming today. no butterfly because i forgot that you need goggles to do that one and i don't have any. i am strong enough now though i think to try it next week. hold on, my blood sugar is dropping. okay i am back. Dammit, can i just say that i HATE it when my fork begins to bend because my food is hot. damn plastic forks. Anyhow, yeah so swimming went well. i got to stare at a beautiful man who was staring at me. but no, i couldn't talk to him since i don't live in the apartment building. oh well, it was still the highlight of my week. the girls and ryan are going to Pierce Street Annex tonight so it will be nice to see them and dance a bit. Yeah, the crazy chicks are taking me dancing. like i am not one of them. so yeah it will be nice to shake my ass with the girls tonight. gotta love the OC. of course, i will have to leave work and then come back to Newport, but at least i get to see them. okay have to go now since i have lots to do before i leave today. don't tell anyone, but i almost went to the violin store and bought one today. i am going to buy one for my graduation present, but i think i will try and go later since i didn't want to be wet in the store. okay for reals, going now.

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