i would be yours if you just bothered to show up. no more cryptic messages, no more fighting or games. just show up.

i want to hear your voice and feel you close to me.

i get it. i am not good enough. that isn't what you think, but it's what people close to you have said. so you believe them and stay away with out a word.


but your heart has a whisper. and as much as you have tried to stay away you want to find me, so you found other ways to get to know me. because your heart knows best. and that whisper is only getting louder, which is why you are upset and confused. the longer you ignore the whisper, the more pain it will cause us.

my heart has the same whisper and i don't know why either. i only know that it calls for you. it has been calling for you for so long now that only echos remain and i feel weak because you stay away.

i am lost with out you and my heart is hollow. please answer the call.

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i wish he would say something to me. anything at all. i just want to hear him say that i am not in this alone and that i can trust him.

i don't get why he won't talk to me. what is there to be afraid of? i am not his enemy.
i mean, why does he want to keep pretending? doesn't he want me to be by his side at the movies?

why won't he let me in? how am i supposed to know what he wants when he won't say anything. i mean, how can i believe that i can trust him when he didn't even respond to the facebook email about last weekend? what could be the harm in letting me know that he was busy? but not saying anything is just rude. and it makes me feel like he isn't serious about me at all.

does he even want to be around me? then why isn't he here? if he is trying not to like me, then how can that make me feel good?

i want to be his. but i don't think he wants to be mine. that is not what i need.

i mean really what possible reason could he have for staying away this long? he let me believe that he was chris for two years, so what makes me think that he would tell me the truth? it's not like his talking to me would be a breach of national security, so there is no reason. he is just scared. and unfortunately, there is nothing i can do about that. he won't let me in to help him. he won't let me near him.

but all i know about him is that he doesn't say much. but not saying anything is leaving us doomed. i don't think he sees my walls going up. i have waited for so long and i have played all of his stupid games. i have broken his code and he still won't even speak to me. that isn't love, it's a practical joke. maybe if i walk away he will realize that i don't want to play anymore. and all he is doing by saying nothing is making it worse. because it is giving me a reason to walk away.

if he does love me then i should be the one person he can say anything to. but he says nothing. i have no idea why he is doing all of this, i have no idea if it will ever stop. he is lost in his game and until he realizes that our love isn't a game, that this is our life, i can't do anything.

he is the reason i don't sing. not knowing is what makes me sad because i feel like he doesn't care and is just laughing at me (like he did for the first year.)

i just wish he could see that when i leave, i don't look back. and the saddest part is that i have no idea if that would even make a difference.

my parents know something is up because when i am dating some one, you can't get me to stop smiling. but they can see the sadness on my face and the reason is because i have nothing to sing about since he is not beside me.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Sometimes i wonder what my dreams are trying to tell me. Is it my brain trying to work something out, is it my imagination running away with me? Or is it some random tidbit that i have fixated on and ran with it? I am not sure. My dreams are in color and usually involve a memory from my past.

Last night i dreamt about the class plays. In my high school, every year had to put on a play that would be judged by the faculty for the winner. I was the director of the Junior and Senior year plays in which we won both years. It is something that i am very proud of despite it not having very much weight in the grand scheme of life.

so last night i dreamt that it was again time for the plays, but this time i was also acting a part. I don't think i was directing. So, anyhow, in this dream i suppose i was the lead and i remember it being the morning performance of which i did really well. i remembered all of my lines and acted every scene out correctly.

when it was time for the second performance, i remember that i fumbled the opening line. and i remember that the understudy came out in the middle of the performance to replace me and how i was kicked out of the performance. I felt inadequate as i walked off the stage and i remember pondering it behind stage as i heard the understudy take over. i was puzzled from getting kicked off and i remembered feeling like the others involved in the play thought that i wasn't prepared or in a state to continue so they kicked me off.

hum, i am not sure what to make of it. more on this later, now i have to work.

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i don't get it. are you just fucking with me? i mean last night really showed me something. If you can't show up when it is only me, what makes me believe that you will ever show up. i am tired of being stood up. i am tired of being in this alone.

i know you are afraid. and why have you blocked me from xanga? i think it's kind of ironic that you have blocked me from your privacy, since you seem to not have any problems invading mine.

if you do like me you have a really horrible way of showing it. since everytime i invite you for dinner you have flaked. i took a big risk in telling my mom about you and you let me down. then last night you let me down again. and if you can't show up to my home when i am the only person there, it is obvious to me now that nothing i can do will change that.

i am tired of begging for your attention. if you want it, come and get it, but i am no longer going to wait for you.

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i am tired of trying to appease to someone who won't even speak to me. i am tired of holding back my anger so he won't leave.

i am tired of tolerating being treated like a doormat. i am tired of being ignored. and i am tired of being in this alone.

all i want is a fucking conversation and he won't give me one. he is the reason i am sad. because i am tired of being left in the dark.
i don't care about what he is planning because i will probably end up having to grovel after this email anyhow.

if he isn't giving me what i need then why am i still waiting? i am not asking for a ring or even the world on a string. i just want to hear him say what he wants from me, and maybe a date. But i had to wait two years to learn his name, so what makes me think that everything will just be okay all of a sudden?

and i feel like no matter what i do, i can't please him enough to talk to me. i am tired of crying and having nightmares at night. i want to let go and forget that i am waiting for him.
if he comes, great, if not, i need to leave.

all i really want to know is if it will ever change. what makes me believe that all of a sudden he will tell me everything and he won't hide anymore?

all i want is him and i feel like he is still testing me and waiting for me to fuck it up. i feel like he will always be testing me and waiting for me to betray him. what difference will any of it make when he won't be satisfied until i do betray him? no matter how i promise or beg him to believe that i care about him, all he gives me are more tests. furthermore, why has so much time been spent asking "what if?" Why has so much time passed in questioning this relationship rather than trying it out? Can't we just date and figure it out as we go? why has the end result been determined before we even date? furtheremore, why do i fee like he thinks we are doomed if we haven't even given it a good "go?" and how could we be anything but doomed if that is how he feels? a relationship is what you make it.

i bet this damn surprise entails me having to pick him out of a crowd. nevermind that i have started to look through EVERYONE so i don't attract any one but him so i can't see even him, (because i am not shopping for people i find attractive, so i am not looking at anyone in the eyes.) it's all about him and how he is afraid of people so all of a sudden i am supposed to magically know what he looks like. i will probably fuck that up too so he will assume that i don't like the way he looks and walk away. just once i want him to approach me and say my name. i just want the ease of no questions. i just want to see him smile and say hi to me. but i feel like that is too much to ask.

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