that is what you taught me.

we have never had sex and i am grateful for that. i woke up this morning and thought, "thank god he is a coward. thank god i found out he had sex with my sister after we met now rather than after i knew him. thank god he didn't approach me. thank god i never gave myself to him. thank god he is too cowardess to talk to me." because i love him so much that i probably would have forgiven him if he had the chance to explain. thank god i don't want to hear it. i knew he wouldn't come.

my sister is the one who likes the relationships where people just hurt eachother so thank god he chose her.

what was i thinking? all we are doing is hurting each other more. how could we grow if all we are doing is hurting each other.

life is painful enough as it is right now, i don't need a lover to add to my pain. i don't want him to hold anything over my head. thank god he is a coward. thank god i barely remember ever speaking to him. the most damage i did was sitting on his lap.

thank god it is finally over. thank god he was honest for the first time ever. thank god i finally saw his true colors. how could any lover of mine have already slept with my sister. that makes me sick. and to do it after we met too? fuck that. no thanks. i never deserve to be sloppy seconds. and now i know he doesn't deserve my love or attention. he can't hurt me anymore. i will numb the pain. and with time, it will lessen.
he died last night. he is dead to me. my sadness is only a reflection of mourning. it will pass and i will love again. he is dead to me.

all we were doing is hurting each other more. i will turn to my friends. i will find another lover who won't hurt me. that was not love. it was spite.
and now all i have to do is walk away. thank god he is a coward. thank god he couldn't talk to me. thank god he is only a ghost. thank god i didn't know him like he knew me. thank god i can't assign a face to my hate. thank god there is no object of my disgust. he is only a figment of my imagination and thank god he will never be anything more.
he can't hurt me anymore. and i won't let him. i don't have to listen to his lies. and i don't have to wait for his attention. thank god he is a coward. thank god he never spoke to me. thank god i never let him in my bed. thank god i never signed on the dotted line.
thank god i am stronger than he will ever be. thank god he finally turned on the light.

thank god it was a long time ago. maybe now i can forgive my sister. i wonder, did she know she was hurting me?
thank god he chose to tell me through a computer. thank god he didn't tell me in person or explain. thank god his voice can't haunt me.
thank god he'll never know what he is missing. thank god he is out of my life.

i loved him. and he managed to kill it without a word. thank god i am no longer his fool. he turned on the light and i found my way out. now i can cut him out of my heart and drown the pain. thank god i didn't marry him. thank god there are no children.
i don't know what to do about my sibling. but thank god i never have to mention him again.
thank god my sister left him. thank god he is a coward. thank god i am not. one day my sister and i will be able to laugh about this. i will then thank god for walking away now.

i am not a fool, but i was his. Thank god i don't have to be anymore.

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