I was thinking about what i actually know about you yesterday. I read your journals of which i am blocked from and i read about how you go to all of these places and you see things all while also managing to work so hard.

which is great, i mean good for you. But what i don't get is how you manage to do all of these things while also being so close to me that you can follow me during my lunch breaks. how is it that you work all day and can still manage to escape at the exact moment i leave to get lunch? i don't doubt your abilitites for your job as i am sure you excel in it, but what i am questioning is how you have managed to do all of that while also maintaining a close watch on me.

i feel like you are lying to someone. is it the journal or me? Do you just make up the stories you write down? Or are you not following me around? I don't see how you can be two places at once AND accomplishing all of the great things you are doing in your career.

what i concluded by these thoughts is that i don't know anything about you. i have come to my own conclusions for most of the things i do know about you and that sucks. Because if you are lying on the journal then i don't know anything because that is my only source of information about you. And if you aren't following me around, then i must be hallucinating; which also makes me scared.

how well do you think you know me? for example, do you know that i truly hate these games and they are making me become negative towards you?

this train of thought is a scary one because i don't know who you are lying to. maybe yourself.

but what am i supposed to do? you hide from me in so many ways, i wonder what could ever change. you won't come any closer and you won't tell me the truth.

all i have wanted from you was the chance. a real chance and i wanted you to try. All you had to do was show up willing to try. have you? i don't know because i can't see you anymore. Don't change because of what you think i am looking for. i want to know you. and i know that isn't an easy request, but it wouldn't be easy for me either. it hurts me that you dive so far into my life to research the things i say about myself because you question my earnestness. i have no reason to lie to you. but i feel like you lie to me. so what aren't you believing about your earnestness? do you tell different stories to people so that no one knows who you really are?

Do you know who you really are? Is the reason you can't show me who you really are because you don't know? how is that possible? are you lost in your game?

i wish you would speak to me. i wish you would let me in. But you don't. and you won't let me help you. you have become institutionalized. you are lost in your own cage and you have made the walls your friends because you don't trust real people.

silly monkey. you did this to yourself. and all your pretending and lies is making you more sad and lonely. there is nothing i can do if you keep me locked out. and there is no way to fix this if we can't start with the truth.

trust is what makes a relationship stronger. and we must try to trust. you can't go around it because this is what happens. showing another person your vulnerability is what makes you trust them. if you keep showing a faccad, trust never develops.

i asked you once about your intentions. you asked if lying was okay if it had good intentions and i asked you if the pain caused by the discovery of the lie was less than the truth would have caused. but the reality is, you were not protecting anyone but yourself. and for that you have caused everyone pain.

the sad part is, the truth would have ebbed if you would have just come clean and shown your true colors. we could be happy and together already. and we could be in love.

but look at us now. everything is such a mess. we are both unhappy and apart. and love seems like an inside joke of a magical escapade that never happened.

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