okay, My old blog from yesterday has been changed to public because I was just too much of an emotional wreck to deal with people reading it when I wrote it.

In regards to that whole shabang, I'm not really doing much better I'm just able to hide it more successfully.

I don't really know what to feel.
I keep flip flopping on how I feel but is this based on the fear of such a big change in my life....Or something else? Or maybe a bit of both...? Ugh.
and again.... my timing could not have been worse.

Its not that I don't love him anymore because I do....
But something's gotta give. I can't keep living with this maybe I do, maybe I don't feeling about whether I want to stay in the relationship any more. we have "maybe I do'd" a few times and I still feel the same way...so its like...."well let's try to maybe I don't" because "doing" is currently "don't-ing"

I hope I'm making sense...

Ugh.
This whole thing just sucks so much...


God, please please please give me strength!

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So....yeah....
My boyfriend and I are kind of unsure of where we stand relationship wise as of late....
...we got to talking yesterday and we both seem to be feeling the same way...
which helps because I feel less like a douche bag.
so yeah, its nothing new...we knew what the issues were already...
I mean....we've had this conversation numerous times...and it helps to get it out in the open...but it just seems to be getting worse....this feeling of...I don't even know.
Not caring as much? That's not really it but my heart hasn't been fully in this relationship for well over a year and its not anyone's fault but it sucks regardless. It's not fair to either of us if I'm feeling this way...and if he's feeling this way too than you'd think the answer would be simple.
And in a way it is....but I think both of us are afraid of what this means...we're too afraid to make the ultimate decision...to end it...
ah....crap....I'm crying at work....(quick...think of something funny....erm....okay...I'm good now)
but yeah....based on our conversation I'm led to believe that both of us have a fairly decent head on our shoulders so we know what probably SHOULD be done but are we brave enough to do it?
we'll see. Right now we're giving ourselves time to think....but that's all we been doing is postponing something neither of us are looking forward to.
and you always worry if you're making the right decision....but we've made the same decision again and again to try and make things work and it doesn't seem to work. and THAT in and of itself is very sad making.
{sigh}

haha. I know of a certain someone who will personally shit a brick when she finds out about this. Its quite comical, really. My timing couldn't have been more incredibly awful to bring this up....but...oh well. I could care less what she thinks. Or what anyone else thinks for that matter.

So, anyway... I don't really know how I should feel right now...
Sad, of course....depressed would be expected....relieved that I might one day soon stop feeling so confused about what I want...happy that he feels the same way so that our breakup would be mutual....worried about making the wrong decisions...scared about losing him as a potential friend...

Over all, this whole thing sucks.
ugh....he just sent me an email with all these tips and things about staying in relationships and when its time to breakup...and I don't know what he means by sending this...and I don't know what to think of it. I don't know what he wants from me...All of these things bring new ways to look at the situation....okay, but the fact of the matter is, we've been through this....again....and again...and again....I WANT to stop feeling this way. and I've been trying for god knows how long....and nothing I do or he does seems to work because after a few months of trying, I'm still feeling the same....i don't know.

i hate myself for this...why can't I just be happy?

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So yesterday I had reddish brown hair and today it is black and I love it!

I don't really believe in waiting until the new year to start making changes but I'm just tired of settling for things that I don't really want. I wish money wasn't holding me back.
Now that I've got most of my junks taken care of I should be fine with my regular spendings and able to start to save up for my vacation. I have yet to choose a destination, and I don't know who is even going to be able to go with me. Maybe me and my sister can go somewhere and have some sisterly bonding time...?
I still need to order my laptop. LAME!

I'm never going to get that thing.


Oh! So yesterday, I went for an eye exam. I was looking into buying new glasses because I've had the ones I own now for two years and ever since I stepped on them they haven't really sat on my face right. so anyway....went for the eye exam. The only reason why I did it yesterday was because I thought my insurance would cover it and I'd get my exam for free.
So I go in, fill out info like my address and stuffs...get my eye exam and find out that my eyes have stayed pretty much the same in the last two years. Then he tells me that it's going to cost me $50 (that I don't have) for the exam because I got it done at Costco and they only really cover people under THEIR insurance...so I paid $50 for an exam that I didn't even really need because my eyes haven't changed.
that's frustrating. Way to tell me I have to pay AFTER the exam is over.


Oh well...At least my eyes are almost healthy...its a shame I can't really read from far away.


Righto, well....I have nothing else to rant and rave about so I'm just going to get back to work.

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Alright so my boss never DID sit with me.
I'm a little annoyed because he's said that he'd help train me better more than once and then he never does and then I am still the same shit piece of a Plastic sales person.

oh well.

...I've got a lot on my mind as of late and I feel like....I don't even know.
Frustrated?
I guess that would be the best choice of word for it...
*shrugs* (<=that is directed towards myself)

Quick, help me figure out a sure fire way to becoming ridiculously rich!!
Like an episode of Its Always Sunny that I keep thinking back to...
Its the one where Sweet Dee and Dennis try to become famous by making Dee the stupid drunk girl that doesn't do anything *examples would be Paris Hilton and Nichole Richie* and how effective it seems to be with some people and not others.
Though...I don't care how much they pay...I wouldn't want to get rich by being a drunken slut or an idiot friend who hangs out with drunken slut.
I'll find another way....

Ugh...
"frustrating" IS going to be the proper word for the day. Though I have no definite reason to be...I just know how things are going to pan out. Its always the same...
oh well. What CAN you do?


Righto!!! well I guess I should be getting back to work.
....ugh....But I really don't want to!

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Me and my boss will be "spending time together" tomorrow.
I don't know whether to be thankful or if I should be dreading this....

Okay, upon starting my job here as a plastics sales person I have had practically NO training. I'm familiar with the stainless steal and aluminum material but when you get right down to it, i had no clue what I was getting myself into when I agreed to take this guys place.
There is SOOO much to know about plastic to be a truly successful sales person...

when I started, I had to become certified and so I had to take this test....
so that helped me a TINY bit but really, I didn't retain the information...I just answered the questions.

and then I had one week of training with my boss and then he had a vacation that he had already planned ahead of time so after only ONE week of training, I was thrown into the deep end and was told to swim with the big kids. I didn't even get wing thingies to keep me afloat.
WORST WEEK EVER!!!!

anyway....its been several months since then but I think my boss is finally realizing that I still haven't a clue what I'm doing.
Most of what I'm doing is guess work.
"I guess this is what the price is"
"I guess that that material is the same as this material"
etc...

But now he sees that I still need training (mainly because he's annoyed with how I go about handling orders and such) and is planning on sitting with me for a bit tomorrow.

Which is fine.
But I'm afraid that he wont be so impressed with the amount of information I have retained in the 6 or so months I've been working here. Because in my opinion, its not a lot. We shall see. I just hope I actually get something out of this tomorrow...

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I am this close *makes a really tiny space with fingers* to actually owning my first laptop! Yay! I'm so excited.
I'm pretty happy with the stuff I'm getting with it...
The only thing I'm concerned about is that I was told that when customizing my laptop I would be able to choose the color yet I couldn't find anything on the website giving me that option...
and if/when I CAN pick what color I want my laptop to be...what color do I choose?
I was thinking Yellow would be sweet. or maybe like a deep purple or something...

...maybe even dark green....

*Shrugs*

I need to dance (and I mean real dancing...like lyrical or contemporary) or read or something...I have a lot on my mind...

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