So....yeah....
My boyfriend and I are kind of unsure of where we stand relationship wise as of late....
...we got to talking yesterday and we both seem to be feeling the same way...
which helps because I feel less like a douche bag.
so yeah, its nothing new...we knew what the issues were already...
I mean....we've had this conversation numerous times...and it helps to get it out in the open...but it just seems to be getting worse....this feeling of...I don't even know.
Not caring as much? That's not really it but my heart hasn't been fully in this relationship for well over a year and its not anyone's fault but it sucks regardless. It's not fair to either of us if I'm feeling this way...and if he's feeling this way too than you'd think the answer would be simple.
And in a way it is....but I think both of us are afraid of what this means...we're too afraid to make the ultimate decision...to end it...
ah....crap....I'm crying at work....(quick...think of something funny....erm....okay...I'm good now)
but yeah....based on our conversation I'm led to believe that both of us have a fairly decent head on our shoulders so we know what probably SHOULD be done but are we brave enough to do it?
we'll see. Right now we're giving ourselves time to think....but that's all we been doing is postponing something neither of us are looking forward to.
and you always worry if you're making the right decision....but we've made the same decision again and again to try and make things work and it doesn't seem to work. and THAT in and of itself is very sad making.
{sigh}

haha. I know of a certain someone who will personally shit a brick when she finds out about this. Its quite comical, really. My timing couldn't have been more incredibly awful to bring this up....but...oh well. I could care less what she thinks. Or what anyone else thinks for that matter.

So, anyway... I don't really know how I should feel right now...
Sad, of course....depressed would be expected....relieved that I might one day soon stop feeling so confused about what I want...happy that he feels the same way so that our breakup would be mutual....worried about making the wrong decisions...scared about losing him as a potential friend...

Over all, this whole thing sucks.
ugh....he just sent me an email with all these tips and things about staying in relationships and when its time to breakup...and I don't know what he means by sending this...and I don't know what to think of it. I don't know what he wants from me...All of these things bring new ways to look at the situation....okay, but the fact of the matter is, we've been through this....again....and again...and again....I WANT to stop feeling this way. and I've been trying for god knows how long....and nothing I do or he does seems to work because after a few months of trying, I'm still feeling the same....i don't know.

i hate myself for this...why can't I just be happy?

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