i am tired of trying to appease to someone who won't even speak to me. i am tired of holding back my anger so he won't leave.

i am tired of tolerating being treated like a doormat. i am tired of being ignored. and i am tired of being in this alone.

all i want is a fucking conversation and he won't give me one. he is the reason i am sad. because i am tired of being left in the dark.
i don't care about what he is planning because i will probably end up having to grovel after this email anyhow.

if he isn't giving me what i need then why am i still waiting? i am not asking for a ring or even the world on a string. i just want to hear him say what he wants from me, and maybe a date. But i had to wait two years to learn his name, so what makes me think that everything will just be okay all of a sudden?

and i feel like no matter what i do, i can't please him enough to talk to me. i am tired of crying and having nightmares at night. i want to let go and forget that i am waiting for him.
if he comes, great, if not, i need to leave.

all i really want to know is if it will ever change. what makes me believe that all of a sudden he will tell me everything and he won't hide anymore?

all i want is him and i feel like he is still testing me and waiting for me to fuck it up. i feel like he will always be testing me and waiting for me to betray him. what difference will any of it make when he won't be satisfied until i do betray him? no matter how i promise or beg him to believe that i care about him, all he gives me are more tests. furthermore, why has so much time been spent asking "what if?" Why has so much time passed in questioning this relationship rather than trying it out? Can't we just date and figure it out as we go? why has the end result been determined before we even date? furtheremore, why do i fee like he thinks we are doomed if we haven't even given it a good "go?" and how could we be anything but doomed if that is how he feels? a relationship is what you make it.

i bet this damn surprise entails me having to pick him out of a crowd. nevermind that i have started to look through EVERYONE so i don't attract any one but him so i can't see even him, (because i am not shopping for people i find attractive, so i am not looking at anyone in the eyes.) it's all about him and how he is afraid of people so all of a sudden i am supposed to magically know what he looks like. i will probably fuck that up too so he will assume that i don't like the way he looks and walk away. just once i want him to approach me and say my name. i just want the ease of no questions. i just want to see him smile and say hi to me. but i feel like that is too much to ask.

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