for me at least (:

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fresh out of school without a job. i'm feeling a little down these days. cant help but feel that my future is looking a little bleak.

suddenly, it seems quite impossible to save up for the little apartment that i need to die in when i m old and alone.

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i guess overall it went ok? the dinner started out kinda awkward, it was as tho the word "internship" was carved across his forehead. i only started to feel more at ease when we made our way to the Cathay for the movie.

FWAH the movie... I went knowing that there was going to be some nudity involved and sex scenes. but i wasnt expecting full frontal nudity and VERY graphic sex scenes. *MY EYES!* the moment the image of the guy's family jewels splashed across the silver screen, i immediately covered my face with one hand in embarrassment. basically, the scenes in this movie makes "Lust Caution" looks like a wholesome family show. although the sexual abuse portion was a small segment of the movie, it was long enough to make me cringe in my seat. Here's a summary:

1. ok-looking male dancer abducted by 3 masked ladies. he was sexually abused by them for 12 days. (hmm... sounds like a guy's perv dream come true)
2. they gave him a blowjob (gross)
3. they forced him to masturbate in front of them. of course he had some 'live' visual simulation. courtesy of one masked lady. (they showed EVERYTHING)
4. they woke him up and forced a dildo to you know where. *OUCH*
5. they did a minor operation when he refused to dance for them. (YIKESSSSS)

after the whole ordeal, the male protaganist tried to seek his own personal justice without any help from the men in blue. of course, he failed miserably.

2 hours in that dimly-lit cinema, the only message i think the movie is trying to bring across is that the social stigma faced by a sexually abused male victim is much worse than that of a woman. even with all those talk abt gender equality, we have to admit most of us would think of the male species as stronger and more dominant? To be sexually violated and dominated by women, i guess it could only mean utter and complete humiliation for the man. very bad for the male ego...

anyway the next time if i ever watch movies on a date, i should stick to safe choices like romantic comedy and not watch funky arthse movies.

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whatever fairytales have been feeding young girls is a complete utter lie. we dont meet prince charming just like that and live happily ever after. i think they deliberately left out the dating bit. hai... if only fairytales are true, i can be spared from the painful process of dating. figuring out whether this guy is nice/interesting/funny?

so why did i agree to go out with this guy tom? why am i subjecting myself to this meaningless torture? the need to look good? be interesting and engaging? pretend that that his jokes is funny or he is remotely interesting if he is not. i dont know...

i guess the yearly change in my age digits are scaring the shit out of me. 20! 21! 22! 23! omg... before i know it, i am going to turn 30! a few years back, i would have said "no" without any consideration. i guess i am like others. i am afraid of dying alone. or just trying to make myself less emotionally detached. less of a robot.

but then the process of getting to know me is quite wtf as well. the guy is probably more entertained or better off talking to a crumbling brick wall.

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