From: this happens all the time on the new COLD album, "A new kind of pain."

"If a dreams all that I got, then I wish you in a fairly tell where your still in love with me. I can see it in your eyes a look as if your hero fell and lost his soul."

I want that album... though those moody days of loss are behind me I sitll find potency in the raw human emotion of loss. I'ts been my bread and butter as far as poetry has gone. But this is changing an era of my life, the one where I would cry and scream out to god to bring people back, is over. It was supposed to end two years ago and I havn't put great amounts of thought into it.

Because I moved on. So, my poetry is starting to change, too.

Still no word back from the advanced workshop and I have to pick clasess soon. I may just settle for a minor in film which would make me more of a creative dynamo than a rocket scientist for the immdeiate future. I don't think though that there is much shame in that... I just wanted to get in on the private aerospace company boom. I wanted space.

Who knows I may still have it. Everything I go through makes me what I will be.
Anyhow Im announcing a new writing project to begin after completeion of the "shadow child" project.

I will tentativley call this new project "the eastern front". It will depict the disalusionment, and disenchantment of wafeen SS Soldeirs on the front line against russia. Im keeping this one on the back burner to await more reasearch, but I already know a lot. I know that the Waffen SS ended up saving the lives of millions of refugees from the advancing red army. That in the end, cut off from political retaric and Himmler, they began fighting for each other, for survival. Things got desperate after Stalingrad.
But since this is going to be a work of fiction Im going to take it in a diffrent direction than you might expect... after all Im not writing a history book. But of course all this will wait unti the completion of "shdow child" then "war in heaven." but I plan on doing this hopefully before "biological product."

Goodnight Nutang.

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Special guest perspective... Mr. Introspective.

It's the same question again, and again. "are you happy?" They keep asking me, and its a curious question because as far back as I can recall it is a question that would pop up in my mind, without warning, from time to time. I would walk to class in the cool of the morning and ask myself that question.

Without apparent reason or motivation some part of my mind would want to evaluate how I was doing. Why is that important? Why did I feel the need to "scan" how I was feeling.

Tonight I am alone, in my apartment. It is not the first time I have been alone though. I have been physically and emotionally alone a dozen times before now. I have been by myself... asking what it was all for. The suffering? Thats how some religons justify existance.

Im so pissed off at the mormons right now. They live down the street and I havn't had the courage to tell them, in deffenitive terms, to fuck off. I have told them I don't want to convert... but they press on. Perhaps I asked too many questions regarding their faith, but they just "insist" on weekly meetings now. Don't you just love it when people agree to meet weekly with you, without your agreement.

And who the fuck lets them on campus anyhow? They just casually stroll on in pairs, in all likely hood without any kind of permision. Fuck them. A time came, back in Panama City, when they threw a group off campus for handing out free copies of the new testament. I still keep one in my rain coat pocket.

So the point of this entry was to let you all know that despite all the wonderful sensations, the feel of a cool breeze, the taste of soft lips, the smell of humanity, I somehow feel a kind of emoional disconect from reality.... and it's exciting.

No word back from the school of engineering, which is somewhat life crippling. The way they answer my questions will ultiamately effect my choice to enter the military are not.

So yeah I have a girlfreind now. She really likes me... I like her, too. She isn't the perfect ideal I have been keeping in my suitcase, lodged somewhere in the back of my cerebral cortext, but shes really nice. I secretly suspect that Im never going to find that ideal person. In all likely hood *(100% chance) she dosn't exist, this perfect ideal of mine.

Tommorow I study for more midterms. Im really tired right now so Im going to take a shower and call it a night soon.

Look up from your screen for a moment. Do you see and endless night populated by nothing and no one. Do the distant sounds of sirens echo wistfully, as if aware that they have lost some kind of unspoken power in this world? The grand total and tragedy of human existance, of suffering, of pain, of joy, of being happy... is that the pain is nesessary. Including this personall moment of disconect. Perspective, experience, heartbreak, if you live through them it is the same result, isn't it? Mabey someone can write a story about it to convey whatever it was that was meaningful about the loss of a right arm, a puppy, a wife.

But have you ever looked down at the scars and wondered... alive sitll?

But who am I? Next door people are screaming, I know not why. "Shouting" would be a more appropriate word. and In the moment it takes to breath the sound evaporates into that endless sea of night. and here we are alone again. With only each other's company to keep. Hello, intrenet.

This was kind of sorta stream of thought... I took the words and made them pretty and remote. What?

Also I realize i have an awsome freind. hopefully she will call me when the purse I ordered her arrives ;because I want to say "yipeee!" when it dose

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It is official.... I have, for the second time in my life, an honest to goodness girlfreind. :-(
Now I have to come to terms with the idea that I am still terribly passionate about Ashley despite her being, and admiting herself, horrible to me.

oh well.... It's the folly of prince charming that he wants what is out of reach.

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I found a publishing house on campus.... how handy! I can get someone to line edit what I write! :_) I was also approached by a poorly disguised under cover cop who wanted to buy weed from me. Gosh why me? 1 I don't do drugs, much less sell them 2 work on your acting! Is this the best the campus police can do? Someone from the past is trying to get back into my life. Trying to tear back through the membrane that closed behind her long ago. I guese Ill just have to start screening my calls. :-) I won't go into it. If i did i would have to make this entry private.

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Well I turned in an application to the advanced poetry workshop. I rushed it in today with one of my better poems.... but then I actually looked at what I did. There are some things I would change... But oh well. IM SO EXCITED> Because the poem I turned in is one of my best to date.

however since I hurridly typed out a copy... there can be no gaurantee as to how many errors it has. I do hope it turned out okay! :-)

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This morning was kind of rough. I got up had breakfast... And started feeling very very sic. I couldn't keep it down. I chewed some pepto tablets but then ran to the bathroom and the enitity of what I had that morning came out.

I remember being amused at how red it was. It was a really almost purple kind of red. It was vermillion more so than wet martian soil. and it wouldn't stop coming.

When I finally stopped I had to use some excersies the old master taught me to recover myself. It felt pretty bad...

I tried having something bland ... on the way back from class I kind of felt woozy... I think I buckled and I was worried about collapsing. Anyhow I made it back with excellent news. They are taking aplications for advanced poetry workshops. Students must submit a poem for consideration before they are admited or turned down from this super wonderful workshop. I have a poem that will knock them out of their collective socks. I mean it will blow them away. I should put it up here... but perhaps later.

I almsot feel sorry for the other students. It took me years to gain the confidence to admit that I am good at writing. Its hard for me to admit that Im better than someone at a particular thing regardless... but now I know.

Im realy woozy and tired. I just want to go to sleep. I think a small nap is in order... perhaps I will feel better when I get up. :-)

I appreciate all the people in my life.. they are nice... grr phone out of minuetes will buy some more when I get up for class. Peave and love!

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