In_Human_Sadness's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

Special guest perspective... Mr. Introspective.

It's the same question again, and again. "are you happy?" They keep asking me, and its a curious question because as far back as I can recall it is a question that would pop up in my mind, without warning, from time to time. I would walk to class in the cool of the morning and ask myself that question.

Without apparent reason or motivation some part of my mind would want to evaluate how I was doing. Why is that important? Why did I feel the need to "scan" how I was feeling.

Tonight I am alone, in my apartment. It is not the first time I have been alone though. I have been physically and emotionally alone a dozen times before now. I have been by myself... asking what it was all for. The suffering? Thats how some religons justify existance.

Im so pissed off at the mormons right now. They live down the street and I havn't had the courage to tell them, in deffenitive terms, to fuck off. I have told them I don't want to convert... but they press on. Perhaps I asked too many questions regarding their faith, but they just "insist" on weekly meetings now. Don't you just love it when people agree to meet weekly with you, without your agreement.

And who the fuck lets them on campus anyhow? They just casually stroll on in pairs, in all likely hood without any kind of permision. Fuck them. A time came, back in Panama City, when they threw a group off campus for handing out free copies of the new testament. I still keep one in my rain coat pocket.

So the point of this entry was to let you all know that despite all the wonderful sensations, the feel of a cool breeze, the taste of soft lips, the smell of humanity, I somehow feel a kind of emoional disconect from reality.... and it's exciting.

No word back from the school of engineering, which is somewhat life crippling. The way they answer my questions will ultiamately effect my choice to enter the military are not.

So yeah I have a girlfreind now. She really likes me... I like her, too. She isn't the perfect ideal I have been keeping in my suitcase, lodged somewhere in the back of my cerebral cortext, but shes really nice. I secretly suspect that Im never going to find that ideal person. In all likely hood *(100% chance) she dosn't exist, this perfect ideal of mine.

Tommorow I study for more midterms. Im really tired right now so Im going to take a shower and call it a night soon.

Look up from your screen for a moment. Do you see and endless night populated by nothing and no one. Do the distant sounds of sirens echo wistfully, as if aware that they have lost some kind of unspoken power in this world? The grand total and tragedy of human existance, of suffering, of pain, of joy, of being happy... is that the pain is nesessary. Including this personall moment of disconect. Perspective, experience, heartbreak, if you live through them it is the same result, isn't it? Mabey someone can write a story about it to convey whatever it was that was meaningful about the loss of a right arm, a puppy, a wife.

But have you ever looked down at the scars and wondered... alive sitll?

But who am I? Next door people are screaming, I know not why. "Shouting" would be a more appropriate word. and In the moment it takes to breath the sound evaporates into that endless sea of night. and here we are alone again. With only each other's company to keep. Hello, intrenet.

This was kind of sorta stream of thought... I took the words and made them pretty and remote. What?

Also I realize i have an awsome freind. hopefully she will call me when the purse I ordered her arrives ;because I want to say "yipeee!" when it dose