I don't feel like being a human being right now, with all the insecurities and doubts and personal pain. I wish I could just shut all of that off.
Every time I'm evaluated or judged, I feel weaker or somehow lacking.
I don't want to be hurt every time someone dosen't reciproacate my polite nature, or construdes said nature as archaic or a flag of some kind of there being something wrong with me.

What happened to the open and polite Amerian society to which we all belonged. What happend to "The strange people", with the "wonerful manners." am I the only one left.

although Iv'e done some modeling I don't want to be judged on my apperance. I just don't want to be judged at all. A blank canvas, and optimistic white.

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There was a sweep stakes, from circut city, that was geared for the whole dormotory technology upgrade. I was very excited about it, though in retrospect prehaps I shouldn't have been. In the Grand prized, prominently featured was a laptop, an x-box 360, a Telivision, stuff you would expect. But also they were giving away a year suply of pizza.

I do my own cooking, but If I had won I would have given the pizza to the local homeless shelter and kept the technology. I have always wanted a laptop, and have been curious about the 360. I'm sure the home

But I'm sure I won't win. Almost certain. I am very fortunate to have everything I need, but I am not so lucky that I win things out of the blue that I don't nessecarily need.

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I had to write this. Do you know why.. because I just saw an Ad for TRUE and online dating service, in which it said, "there is safety in numbers. We screen for felons and Marrieds"

well I am neither. So why all the fuss. Because the word marrieds is used instead of Married person or something normal. The way it is used in the ad is like a deragotory slang word.

like, "we don't want none of them Marrieds getting in here." ON top of that the slang married slur follows the proper usage of the word felons. SO it makes it look like being married is worse than being a felon. WOW. BRILLANT. "okay let the shoplifting pathologicl liar in but GOD HELP YOU IF I SEE ANY OF DEM DAMN MARRIEDS!"

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On LJ i use to wonder and muse, placeing great amounts of thought to what constituted such grandiose concepts like "human knowledge". What constituted human knowledge? as if it could be measured, quntified, understood.

If the speices were to be blasted into the stone age, taking shelter in caves what would it retain? I had hopes. I used to say that human potential was infinite potential, that it just had to be harnessed and inspired.

I would be outraged when people were murdered or rapped just to satiate another persons base and animal desires. It was a waste. A terribel thoughtless waste. All that that person could have ever been, ever acomplished, ever loved, dreamed or thought was snuffed out. and why? So that someone else, for a passing moment, could get himself off on pain or fear, and suffer no reprcutions. It was a disgrace and it spoke lowly of the species.

But now ... I'm looking back. I'm seeing things. A time when people ate the bark off of trees so they could pay the tief of ediable food they grew to someone else. When wenter after Winter humans would watch their husbands, wives, children die of malnutrition, and still consitently pay. How many people today knows what a shoe taste like? I wonder myslef, but what I wondered about most was how could they bear it?
We precive it as an unatural injustice. How could generation after generation of human beings live such miserable and subservant lives.

I read Aquariam's of Pyongyang. I read about the camps and what they did to people. How the inmates were so hungry that they thought and did terrible things just to survive. I am aware that human meat is sold on the black market their and that two million people are dieing. I got my answer. To all my questions.

The answer to the complex human equation for the enduring of prolonged and unyielding suffering is this: Because it was all they ever knew.

It was all the peasents ever knew. It's what their parents knew, and what the accapted growing up. To them it was right, and to not yeild was the unatural injustice. Human knowledge is painfuly subjective.

Hungry we are like animals, desperate. Well feed we are monsters. And if you were to bomb people into the stone age and they lived in caves that is what human knowledge would be : the inside of a cave and the fear of open sky.

But it dosen't have to be as dark as all that. We can make it a better world. How. Human can shape human knowledge. If you entrust to your children concepts of truth, honor, freindship, and decency, as you would want them to have them, then I think the world might not be as bad off.

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Today I made 25 dollars an hour after being promised a hundred, and then being accused of trying to take advantage of my employer. Thats great. If somone tells you that they are going to pay you something then they should pay you that. If they can't afford to pay me 100 an hour then they shouldn't promise it.

Then it is just tasteless and in bad form, after trying to negotiate (haggle) my price, after I have done the work, and then when I refuse to budge, accuseding me of trying to take advantage of you. i accepted a reduced contract... but only because the clinet was a family freind... The law is totally on my side on this one, but what can you do?

... I'm also not getting mail in a timely manner. but so this entry isn't entirely negative Soon I will be moving to tallahassee. And soon I will have a land line so my much beloved Best freind can call any time for as long as she wants.

Now I have to get ready for that day job. the minnimum wage one. :-D I'm almost glad to go now. At least they don't haggle my pay check.

Later.

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