More blood work, and there is talk of MRI in addition to the cat scans. It seems they keep bombarding me with more an more exotic forms of radiation, to plum the depths.

Im very, very tired.

They talk about my symptoms, and to hear them say it it sounds so bad. It's been a week since I had an attack and I can remember how bad it hurts but that terrible look in the doctors eyes, I guese it's disbelief or something. But I can't connect that look with what I have. I'm only twenty two. Old people and terminal patients are supposed to get that look.

I was listening to Breaking Benjamin's "Diary of Jane" and that guy has an amazing vocal range. Most times he sings at a farily normal key, and it's just a little high for your belting rocker but it's still deffinately male, other times he goes so deep you think your hearing the echos of hell. It is amazing. do yourselves a favor and give a llisten.

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if I put weight on my right leg it colapses in a painful spasam

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Sometimes I wish I had an off switch. So I could just shut down at night or when I am in extreme pain, pain so dire I can't claim to be a human being. There is no highger thought in my head just pain. I'm not effective in this state.

then they drug me. And I can't feel anything. I can't even really think straight. They say i act silly when this happens and I can remember my behavior. When this happens I am also not completely capable of higher thought. Either way hours upon hours of my life are being stolen from me. By the drug or the pain my life is slowly spiraling into ruin. And I resent this to no end.

My medical insurance has had a glitch and I can't see anyone until August.

If people had off switches, they could be forgoten and not reactivated for years at a time. Wouldn't that be sad? You go to sleep at night, your wife says she will turn you on in the morning, she gets into a car wreck, and no one turns you on untill next week when they find you. You couldn't hold down a job like that.

a potential employer might say, "we don't need you F*&#ing androids. Always Fu*&$ing up the schedual."
So in truth not only would you want an off switch but an internal clock, but then you wouldn't be any diffrent than any other human being on the planet, would you? The off switch wouldn't be so absolute.

People do have off switches though. In my martial arts, there teching me where they are. But these off switches, once they are hit, don't have an on position; they're terminal. It's all stuff I could have easily lived without knowing.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Me: (late) I had a really rough day today. They ran a new batch of tests.

Boss: (looking at band aid) oh did they draw four vials of blood again?

Me: No, they only need one vial to test for what they think I have.

In all honesty it sonds 100 percent more dire than it actually is.

More later I have to get back to work

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