To the ER I went and the knocked me out. They don't know what is wrong with me. Tommorow I will get a Chest X-ray, Blood work, and urinalysis, but I have already enjoyed two cat scans and and EKG. I guese this makes me a mystery

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Update: It did happen again. At about 2:00 AM and I languished in agony, despite being heavily drugged untill about 7:00AM. It was quite an ordeal but the day wasn't all bad. They took me to get my very first CT SCAN. I will know the results of the scan in a day or so hopefully. They also prescribed me a really strong medicinec but the pharmacy ran out so I got a pretty green I owe you note. LAME!!! I guese I will just rub the green paper against my head as I writhe in complete agony. Because everyone knows an I owe you note is just as good.

There is a girl back in College I find myself thinking about. She is very nice, and very pretty. She has an exotic accent, the kind that drives people crazy, but shes flamingly, foams at the mouth liberal. She HATES republicans with a passion. We worked on a project to gether, and she is wonderfully nice. She invited me to parties and events to hang out and the like, but something would ALWAYS come up on my end. :-( I secretly rejoiced when she was again among the single, but then I thought about it, and I dont' know. Has to much time passed? we haven't really hung out yet at all, nevermind how much anticpation is associated with such things. Or is it because she has so much hatred in her heart, nevermind that its for one group, that I have such reluctance.
I will probably see her again come fall, and we will see what happens.
In martial arts, my hand work is much stronger and feels much less akward, since MR. Lunes ( I guese you could call him my old master's new master :-) ) taught me some new fist techniuqes. My hand work in general feels lighter and more efficent.
Rigt now I have just taken something for the headache I felt coming a while ago.

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This is the second day it's happened. I thought I would die, an intense pain throbbing in my head. I fell to my knees and started writheing in pain. I guese I can cut the crap and just say it hurt, but it wouldn't end and I couldn't be still so it warrants a bit of explination if only because it is signigigant to me alone. They put something under neath my tounge and it disolved. It was supposed to put a temporary ceasation to pain. I kept wondering what would happen if they didn't have such medical miracles. It will be a while before thier willing to scan my head or anything like that. Should I be ashamed to admit that I did a great deal of screaming and the like. It was that kind of pain, the kind that renders a grown man helpless.

But I started thinking about that internal dialouge I had, in a dream like state that rendered a projected time of my own death. Funny isn't it, or crazy depending on how you look at it. I wish Big Red were still around. He was able to tell my parents that I and my twin were on the way and that we would be twins a year before we were born. I would ask him what he thought. But I suppose Big red is only remarkable, sitting in his little forutune tellers shack, because he was right. How many more times had he given a bad fortune.

what would it be like If i were to die at 27. What if I die tommorow before publishing a single word. Would someone go through all my scattered papers and files trying to assemble a group of lost works that would mean something to someone.

I also think about a zeplin, without pilot or crew drifting forever over cityscapes and country without end. What would it be like to be walk the halls of an empty zeplin like that, looking down knowing everyone else is looking up. Or mabey they would be oblivious to your own personal ghost ship.

Or mabey It won't happen again tommorow, and I can abandon this line of thought. After supper I will try to write more. Forgive me if I havn't called you BFF. These migranes my eat hours like I eat food.

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Lately I've been wishing I had one desire
something that would make me never want another
something that would make it so that nothing matters
all would be clear then

Yes I heard this sad, sad song and the part that resonated with me most was those opening lines. Haven't you ever wished to be uncomplicated, devoted to one thing. What if you could have a mission statment for your life. Like my mission is to love this one person for the rest of my life. But it would become complicated because people aren't built that way. Sooner or later you would want something that would run counter to that other person wants; ultimately to your mission.

It can never be that simple because people or so very complicated. As for me I have reached a level in marshal arts where they start teaching me things I don't want to konw. Things like, Where to hit someone in the face that will kill a person. Do I really need to know that?!? Could I have gone through an entire lifetime without knowing how to kill people with my bare hands? Some of this knowledge is instenctual of course but I'm being taught how to use the human body against itself with catostrophic results and it kind of makes me sad.
It feels like an age has silently come to a close.

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working please standby. I appreciate your patience.

Thinking about plane tickets tooo....

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In 1945 Albert Einstein published these amazing papers called Atomic War or peace. Next entry I would like to talk about them but I have to get up in the morining and run.

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