TO DO LISTS. That seems like it is going to be the only way I get through this semester. My boss is really big on them, which is good because I like to check things off and that way I don’t forget what I need to do.
But then I have meetings, programs, duty, class, and readings to do.
My PR class really scared me to death on Monday and after reading a chapter I am not sure if I even want to joint he field. I think it is just a really poorly written text book, very biased and written from a certain stand point. Which really bothers me a lot.
My teacher said she expects us to study 8-10 hours for every test and when someone asked her about a test last semester and she asked how long they studied and they said 3 hours she laughed and said that was nothing!
Listen I love my major, I love the field I am in. Why do some teachers feel the need to be total dicks? If you are meant for the field you will read and do the work on your own to learn, and if you aren’t interested then you won’t do the work. There is no need to use scare tactics and put unneeded pressure on the entire class. I mean yeah I want to be in this field but at this moment I have other responsibilities and classes too. But she doesn’t care.
She also said everyone is average, and to expect a C. You have to be amazing to get a B and you have to work 10 times harder and be excellent to get an A.
So I am not going to kill myself for this jerk of a teacher, and if I get a C then I get a C. I think I will do just fine in my other courses.
I love my history of EMF and my other classes seem normal. I have a EMF production class that seems like there could be a lot of out of class work on 3 big projects. But I think I will enjoy the process, so I hope that won’t be too bad.

Alex and I made Valentine’s Day plans! And I think it will be the best Valentine’s Day of my life! Haha. We rented an amazing hotel room at Niagara Falls! We might be about to see the falls from our room, if not they are within walking distance. And there seems to be a cute little street with lots of things to do and see. I just want to see the falls at night and I will be a happy camper.
We even got a romantic room thing, some nice suite. I have never gone away like this or had such a nice room so I am really excited we get to go together.

I miss him lots, he keeps getting sick and I get worried. I also feel a little bad because I am so swaped with school, and it all happened so fast. One day we were seeing each other all the time and talking on the phone every night. And then school and training and I am just so busy all the time. I try to talk to him at night, but he has been sick and I feel bad for making him talk or keeping him up late.

I hope school settles down soon and I figure out what I need to do for each class and then Alex and I can get a system down. I miss him lots.

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You know it’s true love when:
- You will drive 2 hours at 2am after a 7hr shift just to see them.
- You voice automatically sounds happier when they call.
- You compare other kisses to theirs when they are gone.
- You would do anything to make it work.
- They can say “I love you” with their eyes.
- Your hands fit perfectly.
- They sit in your room for hours without you, cutting out name tags so you won’t have to.
- They hold you while you sleep.
- You don’t want to sleep after they fall asleep because you just want to hold them and play with their hair.
- Their snores are cute, never annoying.
- You can break into slow/or tango dances anywhere with or without music.
- They are the only person you believe when they call you beautiful.
- You can’t get through a day without hearing their voice.
- When they get their diploma you cry because you are so proud.
- They put post-its on your wall while you are out, that tell you how much they love you.
- They understand you even when you don’t.
- You aren’t afraid to boogy down in front of them.
- Just taking drives with them is an amazing experience.
- When you look into the future you don’t just see them, but you see growing and learning with them.
- When you wake up and see each other you both break into grins.
- They make you feel comfortable about your body when you think you look horrible.
- You both have the same plans for your future together.
- You learn that you don’t have your heart anymore they have yours and you have theirs. And that’s just the way you like it.
- ….x3

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You know what is annoying? People who think they know everything about a situation when they know about 5% and understand about 1% of that information.
I feel like I am the only one who really understands my situation completely and I am having trouble explaining myself to people. But guess what? People who are totally exempt from the situation do get what I am saying. It’s the people who are involved or their friend who have a slanted view.
To me if you aren’t me, alex, or mike. Then you have no business to hate or be pissed at me. And the funny thing is those two guys still want to talk to me. SO for all these people calling me a bitch and telling me I am mean and evil or whatever. Screw you all. That’s all I can say. I guarantee you don’t know the whole story. You want to know why I know this? Because none of you have even bother to try and talk to me about it. And the few that have just yelled at me and didn’t let me talk. You just wanted to yell you didn’t want to understand.

Next on the things that are pissing me off today, since when is what a person has yet to accomplish a reflection on the type of person they are? How can someone even have the nerve to make such a huge judgment of another person whom they have never met? I don’t get it. So when someone accomplishes things then that means they will be a better person? Well I know plenty of people who have accomplished a lot in live who are total dicks and have major flaws in their personality. So on that note, just shut up on that topic already. Before I get really pissed off.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, I would like enlighten people about what I mean when I say spark. And if I see or hear anyone say it’s just lust again I will slap the fuck out of them because unless you are me and can feel what I am feeling you have no fucking idea what you are talking about.
That spark that I feel with that special someone, isn’t lust. Because it transcends anything I have ever felt before, and trust me I have being in “lust” or whatever. I walk into a room with alex and I feel something amazing in my heart, something that makes me feel like there is no where else on earth I would rather be then in that room with him at that moment. I feel it every time I see him, I feel it when I wake up before him and see him sleeping. I feel it when we are just hanging out with friends. And I feel it even when we are apart and I just think about him.
He is my best friend. He understands most of the reasons why I am the way I am because he has been there for me for 5 years. He brings me out of my shell, and makes me really laugh. A laugh that I can’t hold in and I think I look ridiculous while doing. He is the only person I don’t hide my ginnie pig laugh from. He makes me feel complete and when he isn’t around I feel like I am missing part of me.
I fell in love with him when I was 15 years old and we were far too young for that. And again I tried in 12th grade, but I wasn’t fully ready. We tried again for the past two months. And I got scared and needed to know there was nothing left with my ex, before jumping into something so serious. And yes it would be easier to be with my ex, I’m sure to people on the outside it might even make sense. So I tried my best and acted like the feelings where there and waited for them to come back, and they didn’t. They didn’t because I gave my heart to alex and he is the one for me, and I can’t fake feelings for someone else and I don’t want to.
I hurt people along the way to finding myself and to finding out who I am meant to be with. But I feel like now I am happier then I have ever been, and I feel like now I can be as open about my emotions as ever before.
If you have never seen alex and I together then you have know idea what we have.
Don’t tell me I don’t know that relationships take work either. I know that better then the people who are telling me that. But I also have been in enough relationships in my life to know when it is worth fighting for and when it is time to call it what it is. Love is work, Love isn’t always easy. I know all of this. I am not as dumb and naïve as so many of you like to think I am.
Frankly it hurts to think that some people believe I can’t see the difference between love and lust. Maybe you haven’t felt those too emotions because if you have it is easy to tell the difference between the two. Maybe people what to call it lust just because I can have an orgasm with alex but not with anyone else. That doesn’t mean it’s lust people, that just means he is good in bed. But that’s not why I love him. I loved him long before we took that step. So people please just stop talking like you all understand what happened. Because many of you don’t.
It isn’t lust, its love. Stop trying to demean my feelings for someone else. Just stop. That spark is a sign that what I am doing is right.
How dare people say i am not ready for the real thing. HOW dare people say this isn't the real thing. Would it have been better to fake it with mike? because then it would make more people happy?? Well sorry for being a selfish bitch and doing what it right for my heart and my life.
how dare people say they can be my friend and then say such things without even talking to be about what happened....it hurts that people can think that. But maybe they were never my friends. Just people who acted like it because i was around...

Alex Johnson & Christine Johnson 1-19-2006 x3 x3 x3

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SO shall we that kind of damage one person can do far this year??
-Have a whole town in PA hate her CHECK
-Have a whole town in MD hate her CHECK
-break 2 guys hearts CHECK
-break her own heart CHECK
-Confuse all her friends and her friend’s friends and her family. CHECK
-do something she has only seen in the movies CHECK
-find out how strong true love is CHECK
-win bitch of the year award after on the few weeks CHECK
….i think I am done with doing things this year…I have done more damage in the first 19 days then I have done in that last year.

But I fixed some of it…. I realized where my heart is. I realized I just need to get my ducks in a row before I dive into the last relationship I plan on ever having.
And slowing some things down, like while I am getting my ducks in a row just being friends and not having some relationship that is in limbo.
It took me a little while but I figured out I just need to feel secure, but also need to realize things take time. And some things have already been put into motion, which is a sign that everything is going to work out just fine in the end.

I want to make a list of things I want to do this year. That way I will have a place to go to when I say I have nothing to do…and I can said okay. Today I will try to do this or I can plan ahead to do stuff.

I want to: go hiking, ride a horse, bake cookies, play in the snow, go to the beach, go ice skating, ride a bike, read a book to someone else, lose weight, get to know my parents, learn to talk about what I am worrying about, learn to relax, not worry about grades as much, learn to let the little things go, go to DC, NYC, Hershey park, ride a roller coaster, go to a circus, go to Maine, rent a cabin, go camping, learn to cook better, open a savings account, go to a blues club, go to concerts ( I used to go all the time and this last year I went to like one?), go dancing, meet different people, learn about world issues, be pushed out of my comfort zone, go to Gettysburg at night, most of all I want to have fun… I am getting older and I want to enjoy my last year as a teen.

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