does stress just make me really mean....or does it bring out what i am really thinking but never say?
because wow this weekend has been nuts. and it's like i can not control the verbal vomit vacating my mouth.
i just keep having this thought that this summer will be a real test of things. and my new outlook may change some stuff i never thought about before.
but i am really enjoying the new way i see life. it's so lame to look to the future all the time, especially when you are in college, i mean i can't really look past next semester, how could i decide if i wanted to live with a significant other later on down the road...why not wait until it is an actual possibility. because frankly thinking like that just seems like a waste of perfectly good now time. and then thinking abut marriage and babies! please i really think anyone who is 19 or 20 and thinking hard about that needs to realize how young they are and how much they can experience before they really grow up.
so i am focused on my last exam i will be taking in....9 hours, i'm not overly worried, if i don't do amazingly on it i think the worst grade i can get is like a B in the class.
I can't wait until Thursday when i am all moved out and back at my house. Then the countdown will really begin. the countdown to June 29th, when we move into our apartment. woohoo.

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I feel like soon i will be counting the hour until i leave...until this year is officially over. This has been one of my hardest years. School took a lot out of me this year...both semesters. And my job was more draining then anything else, it was enjoyable but it is crazy to think that you are always on call when you are on campus and at anytime you will have to write paper work or deal with a situation. I really feel like i have grown because this year has truly been an emotional roller coaster and i can not wait for this chapter in my life to be over with. i am so done. and ready for a new part of my life.
i think i am going to pass out when i finish my exams tomorrow afternoon. to actually be done with PR will be a miracle. Even though i hated it will all of my heart and soul i am thankful for my teacher being so committed to giving us the best education possible. No matter what grade i walk out with i will know that i earned that grade and even if it's a C i will be proud that i at least latest the semester. A class of 40 has dwindled to a class of 14 and i am glad i stuck with it. I have been doing 2 hr study sessions and then taking a break to relax.
I am going to eat dinner write a paper and then perhaps type up my OR notes and make a pre test. ha i am such a winner.

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So my sophomore year is slowly coming to an end. I an in denial and refusing to pack my room. i have notebooks, papers, towels, clothes, and flip flops scattered around my room.
I have started to reflect on this past semester. I have become to close with some people on my staff it is really going to be hard to move away and not see them often. And it sucks that some may not be coming back. Some where there for me so much this semester and truly know the ups and downs i went through emotionally and i am so thankful they were there to just listen to me and offer their advice.
Plus i have had like no life because of my job...i have no idea what i am going to do with myself this summer. I have plans and i am going to get them done. I refuse to waste my time. And i am decided that if no one wants to join me with something i am still going to do it. I will be independent and not codependent. I am hoping to grow a lot this summer. And i am hoping to read a lot, and hang out with people i sadly didn't make a lot of time for this semester. And i want to open up and meet more people that will be my goal next semester at school. I will make an actual friend in every class i am in, because i an refusing to be a hermit anymore.
I am going to be working 30 mins from where ever i live. which means i will not be going up to see alex as much as i would like. but the fact is my car is at like 99,000 miles and i need to make her last and driving to PA all the time is not a way to do that. Hopefully we will work something out.
I have an exam at 8am which i have not studied for and probably should. but i really don't care about this course which makes it hard to get anything done for it. I had a 103% of the midterm haha.
SO to wrap up i am sad the semester is ending because i do not want to leave all the friends i have made this year and i will actually miss my crazy dorm life once i leave. But at the same time i am excited to start my summer and do things i have never done before. My goal is to do something everyday i have off. And on days when i work at night i want to read and workout during the day and on days when i work during the day i want to hang out with someone at night.
that's a lot and i doubt it will happen everyday but if i aim high then i can at least accomplish a little something.
OH YEAH, plus i can't wait to move into the apartment with Colleen and Casey!!! Because they both have been super amazing this year and i have no idea what i would have done without them. <3 <3

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i have been walking around my room for 2 hours NOT writing my paper that is due tomorrow. i am so blah i don't feel like doing anything. And every time i do try to write i get really hyper and just want to get out of my room, well not i have started looking at Rivers (my pet goldfish) and it seems like every time i feel like i want to get out and i have a ton of energy before i even move he is flying around his bowl flipping out.
is it possible that Rivers can feel my energy and he too wishes he could just get out???

i sometimes wonder what it would be like to move to a new city, not tell anyone where i am and make up an entirely new life. and make up an entirely different past to seem like a better person. the more i am forced to write pointless papers the more i just want to clean out my bank account fly to a new place and become someone more interesting. Like a photographer in London who works as a museum tour guide to pay the bills. sounds like so much more fun then a college student stuck in her now lop sided room trying to write a paper and international women's studies in contemporary times.

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i want to trade my parents in for ones that are emotionally attached to me.
i haven't seen my parents in weeks. They came up here to help take some of my larger items home, like my futon and TV and stuff. And I i saw my mom on a bench and walked up to her, she didn't stand up so i couldn't give her a hug. and so when i sat down next to her i tried to hug her anyway and she just pulled away like i was a freak and told me so was sick and i needed to stay away. My dad didn't really come near me when he came over he stayed on my moms other side.
so we came up to my room and they stood their awkwardly and then i gave my mom her mother's day gifts....i know one of them was kind of lame. I painted her a flower pot, but she is really into crafts and i thought she would like it..... she gave the lamest fakest, ewwww (eww as is aww when someone is supposed to like something) and then she just said thanks for the other gift. I felt so lame.
After that they wanted to leave (they spent a total of 8 mins in my room, i looked at the clock). So we packed the truck, my mother gave me a check and a small hug. My father looked at my hair with a vile look on his face but this isn't new it was the same look he gave me last year when i had it cut, and then told me to watch how many phone calls and text messages i use. Then they got in the truck and left.
It just makes me want to get my apartment as soon as possible, i don't want to live in a house like that. i would rather live alone. it's not like i have a lot of reasons to live at home anyway. casey and colleen will have the apartment too, colleen might not be there as often as casey and myself. and then i dunno alisa and sandra are at home but they didn't come see me this entire year so i doubt i am high on their list of people to hang out with. Josh can't hang out with me alone so i doubt ill see much of him anyway. All of my closest friends i have made at school live far away... some will be living up here over the summer.
This summer is going to be so different for me... i am a little scared about what i will do, i hope i get to do a lot. i hope i'm not lonely, i was pretty put in my ways last summer and i don't want that to happen again. i want to have lots of fun.
i looked up all these parks around me and i want to go hiking and walking on trails a lot this summer, plus i want to go roller blading and camping. i want to get out doors a lot, i spent a lot of time in doors before, i want a change.

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my elevator and lobby smell like some unlucky person threw up this morning. well it's almost 1 and it still smell. ewwww
less then 24 hrs until my last test before exams.

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