....I have to go home in about 14 hours...
I don't know if i want to go home. I don't really know what i will do over break. All of my friends for the past year were Mike's and now i kind of feel like i have no friends back there, because i mean if he won't even talk to me then they certainly won't. I wasn't overly close with any of them but they were the people i spent my time with. I have Colleen and Casey, but they both have boyfriends and i don't want to big them a lot over break and annoy them. I always knew that when stuff ended with Mike i would be left friendless, but now i actaully that to live with that fact for a month.
Give me a week and i will be counting the day until i can come back to school. Jamie is staying in Towson over break in an apartment...can you say sleepover??? And some high school girls that i don't really talk to a whole lot like Alisa and Sandra, they seem to have made their own AACC friends and i don't know if i will fit into the picture well at all. Tina only seems to have an interest in me because now she won't be alone when Alex hangs out with Ryan. I don't really feel okay hanging out with Josh alone if he even had the time because i feel like Krystal would get upset...
i am not looking forward to this break. Not to mention i got really sick this afternoon and my moom said she might need to take me to the doctor.... i haven't been to the doctor in years i only went a year ago for some shots and before that i think the last time i went to the doctor's was in like middle or even grade school...
ew

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PS
I think my brakes are going bad, my dad doesn’t seem to care. I have to drive home tomorrow with my car packed…it’s a 45 min drive on the highway. So if I never have another entry here it will be because my brakes went out and I totaled my car on my way home.

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So basically I wasted….3 days about studying for my history exam. Because even with studying for it hard core….i spent about 8 hrs the day before on just history, I suck so bad I still failed the final.
What really blows is that I liked that class a lot and I thought I knew what the fuck I was doing but if my math is correct in order for me to have gotten a C+ in that class I would have had to have gotten a 67 or something on my final…
A C+!! I have never gotten lower then a B in my whole life and here I am looking at my grades and I got a freaking C+!!! I must me like the biggest idiot in the world. And it probably won’t even be the only C I get because I am waiting for Women’s Studies and Physics still and I have a feeling I probably got a C in physics and WMST is totally up in the air.
I just suck at life at the moment.
Not many people see life like I do when it comes to grades, I think maybe Mike is the only person out there that thinks like me, at this moment I am kind of glad he doesn’t want to talk to me because I would feel ten times worse hearing about how he got straight A’s again for like the millionith time in a row and a am sitting here looking at a C+… See for me a C is no better than Failing to me when I see a C I might as well see an F.
The worst part of all is that I have scholarships and that’s why I freak out I need to keep a good GPA…at this point if I get a C in physics I need an A in WMST to get a B+/A- average I think...

This semester just really sucked ass so much I can’t fucking wait to get all my grades and put it behind me. I have never felt so dumb in my entire life. I thought you were supposed to learn and become enlightened at college. I feel like I was better off the day I graduated high school.

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Is it possible to over study? When do you reach the point where you can’t hold anymore information? If you are cramming when should you stop on the day of the exam?

All of these were the thoughts I had racing through my mind this morning as I chopped down on the stalest bagel I have ever eaten, if it didn’t have cream cheese on it I think it would have severely scratched my throat. I nearly choked about 3 times while I was trying to eat it and read my history text at the same time. But I thought, no worries I have my trusty coffee with me as well… That was my mind set, until I tried to drink “it”, because it certainly wasn’t coffee, it was some bitter concoction by the devil just to screw me over for buying the Den’s coffee because I was too cheap to want to pay 5 bucks for a Starbucks coffee.

I was beginning to wonder if this cubical on the 4th floor of the library would be mine forever. I had spent more night in that hard uncomfortable wooden chair the last 2 days then I had in my own room. Last night fear struck me as I realized I had physics and history exams within hours of each other. So at 6:30 I planted myself in the library wondering if I was the type to do an all nighter and live to tell tale. I discovered around 1am, I am not that type. So it’s 1am…it’s dark and I realize my campus…not the most well lit of schools. SO I wait for Alex to call…why I thought talking to someone on the walk home was safer I have no idea…
Perhaps the guy in the shadows will stay there because he sees someone will know right away if I am attacked.
I have no real possessions on me unless someone wanted to steal my notebooks…which at that time I would have killed for.
But alas I waited for my cell to ring and then I was on my way back home, I had planned to try and study once more when I got home. But the way my bed was looking at me it took all over 5 mins for me to be safely tucked beneath my blankets.
So 6:30am hits and I am up for some last min studying before my physics exam on the walk there I think I will literally get sick…but I don’t. My teacher is late…what else is new. But today it felt like a slow torture just waiting for him to get there so I could get this exam over with.
And boy did I, I was out in 30 mins, I think I passed I needed a 30 out of 35…I dunno if I did that well, maybe I did if he curves it nicely…
So it’s 9am and I am back in the same chair in the library studying again for my history exam I have at 1230 and then I say until about 1145 when I come to the conclusion I can fit no more info into my brain and studying is over.
It’s 1215 now I am off to see if all this studying will help me any on this exam…
2 major essay’s and 10 one page ID’s one on every chapter of the text book…
Oh dear lord….

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This Christmas season I haven’t been listening to the normal songs. I have been listening to Christmas rock, and I must say more often then not, I prefer it to the normal over played stuff you here on the radio.
I have been listening to Reliant K’s – Deck the Halls Bruise your hand, And a various artist CD called A Santa Cause which has bands like Blink-182, Something Corporate, Fall Out Boy, From first to Last, NFG, Gatsby’s American Dream and many more. It’s something different yet the same all at once, I really like it.
Well this is going to be the week that determines my grades it’s finals week, I hope I make it through, I just need to get through till Thursday and I am done!!! I have once final done, just 4 more to go. I can’t really study a whole lot for some of them because they are essay’s that have just a starting point and then you go on from there. So I am going to focus on physics and history (both on Thursday) because those are the ones that will be the hardest.

My room smell like boy, it smells so much that I can still taste the body spray hours after our war of scents. I though vanilla was strong, but I guess not. I have no idea what spray Alex has but my lord it has lasting power! I sprayed all this clothes with vanilla this morning before I went to class and to get me back he sprayed every surface of my room. I think he went over board…jerk face.

This weekend was so much fun, I really can’t stop smiling, and I can’t believe it’s almost Tuesday already. Alex staying over into a school day has really thrown be off with the days of the week. I am going to be a day behind all week now, that’s going to get annoying really fast.

I hope everyone who has exams this week does well!! Good luck, the break is almost here, woohoo.

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Dear World,
I did something new today, and out of my comfort zone. And I had the most fun a girl can have. Ha. Today was one of my best friends birthday. And he boyfriend wanted to go paintballing, but it is cheaper to go as a group and more fun because you can play with just your friends.
SO she asked me to go with her and about 10 others. I am a shy girl so I was nervous because I would only know Chris and Colleen and then I though I might be left out. But I wasn’t everyone was really nice and we all acted like we have known each other a while (I think I was the only new person, but I loved like they acted like I wasn’t). So it was…Chris, Colleen, 2 of Colleen’s cousins, a girlfriend of theirs, 4 of Chris’s friends, Colleen’s brother, me and a few people came and went as the day went on.
And by day I mean day! I think we played from around 10am to around 5pm.
IT WAS SO FREAKING AWESOME! I mean most of us were new and even those who were “experienced” weren’t like professionals or anything. And so we all had a pretty fair chance. And we played like 6 different games and then we went back to play the ones we liked the best again.
I wasn’t sad or mad at all I thought I would be, but the thing is EVERYONE gets out! It’s not like a sport like soccer where you need to be fit or know rules or whatever it’s just plan old fun. There were only 3 chicks but I would say we held our own, Lauren kicked a lot of people’s ass, she rocks haha.
But I’m not going to play it tough, sometimes it hurt like a mother, I though my fingers were broken one time because the sting wouldn’t end. And I hit in the back of the head, but I totally got him back the next game. Because I rock haha. Umm, oh this one random guy we let play was really odd I didn’t like him and he hit me like 3 times when I raised my hand to say I was out, and it was in my hip region and I was yelling he hit my ovaries and I wasn’t going to be able to have kids. Haha but he left which is good because I would have unloaded all my paint to get him back, I killed him when he killed me so I was happy with that.
OOOO when a ball hits you if it doesn’t bust then you aren’t dead, well for some reason one person’s wouldn’t break when he was shooting me and so it felt like marbles being shot and one got my ankle right on the bone omg that hurts now.
I have welts all on my legs and arms but it’s cool I don’t mind, it proof that I played.
And I had a blast, it really got a lot of stress out that I was holding in for finals.

I had a GREAT day…the first time I have hung out with such a large group in a while, it was great. Yay I’m happy…
OOOH in case you know me and you are trying to picture me and my get up I will tell you:

*My tight black work out pants under my old jeans (which ripped so good thing I had the black things on under).
*White tank, white long sleeved, tight black t-shirt, large blue t-shirt of Mike’s.
* Black Atticus hoodie
*Light camouflage jacket.
*Braided pig tails.
*steelers baseball hat.
*black gloves with the finger tips cut of.

I looked pretty bad ass. Hahahaha <3

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