Dad,

How hard is it to be a dad? Not that hard.
You have made so many mistakes�and I have forgiven most of them.
Yet�you just keep making them.
Keep ruining things�.it�s your fault we are not close.
I can�t even yell at you because you would cry.
But it�s okay for you to make me cry�

I have given you so much slack�
You missed everything in my life. There are literally 3 photo�s of us from 5th grade to my high school graduation. Therefore making any type of a scrapbook of us is really out of the question.

�You cheated on mom�you think because I was 10 I didn�t know what you were doing. But you are an ass for that.

You should never have a negative thing to say about my mother because she has given everything up for you. Yet you just walk all over her and make her cry. She deserves so much better. Maybe when I graduate and she finally has the guts to leave you will see how amazing she is.

Maybe then you will see everything you missed. I can�t believe you have the balls to say she was beautiful once�now her beauty is on the inside. What kind of a vain SOB are you? I should have told you I had to photoshop a photo of the two of you because you looked to fucking old. She might not be the thinnest but so what, she is so beautiful and you can�t even see it.

I have not let myself become upset with you this year because I know it was hard losing Nana and Pap-Pap last winter. But I also thought that would make you cherish what you have more. I thought that you would want to make my last Holiday Season at home something special�.

I don�t understand how you can always want to leave our house to watch football when I am home. Fucking record it! All I wanted was to have a family night of putting the tree up and decorating it. But you have to try and leave. And catching me crying was the only reason you stayed home. Then all you even do it put the lights on the tree, walk out of the room and turn the game on�it was the ravens!! Not even your team, the Ravens were more important then spending time with your family?! Really?? You suck at everything

Making me putting the decorations on the tree alone was your last chance with me.
I am over trying to have a relationship with you.
You missed my life. You missed 8th grade graduation, you missed all my plays, you missed my concerts, you missed homecomings, you missed Proms, you missed me getting my heart broken for the first time, you missed me crashing my car, you missed EVERYTHING for work. What about now?? You have been around for 5 years yet know nothing, you don�t try, you don�t really care when it works for you. Then it�s always something not fun and you make rude comments and I feel weird. When you wake up and realize all of this, I won�t be waiting.

Mom is all I need, so just leave me alone.

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Why today is a good day:

I drastically changed my hair and many people say they love it and i look more adult and that all fun stuff. They say i look like a graduating college student on the hunt for her first job....which is exactly the look i am going for.

Also i have finally made a dent in my history take home exam...good thing since it's due tomorrow

I earned a 100 on my programming mid term, and i think i did pretty well on my law exam as well!

Today is my presentation for a case study and once it is over with i don't have to worry about that class until the 19th of November.

Many people have texted me today which makes me feel very loved

It didn't snow which is sad, but it was cold enough for me to wear my new lovely jacket so i was excited.

It looks like i may not have to wear a costume to the party friday which would be awesome i always feel awkward in costumes.

The Today show reminded me this morning that it is less then a week until my 21st Birthday.

I am also happy since old friends have been coming out of the wood work at of late.... People like Jimmy, Michelle, Geoff (and i have become friends with his gf Cody who is amazingly awesome with daily hello there texts), and Chris
But really it would be the two Jordan's that surprised me the most and brought big smiles to me face. First with Jenson, who is away in the Middle East, contacted me to tell me how nice i am and that he misses me and will be writing letters very soon. And second Bass and i had a lovely 2 hour chat the other day. And he also told me i am a good friend and he gushed about his situations and i gushed about mine and all that stuff. It's nice when people you care about take the time to let you know your friendship is important to them.

yeah so i guess that's a lot of the reasons as to why i am so content these days....

friends are wonderful, cherish them always
<3

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I can�t sleep.
I just toss and turn and end up wondering around my extremely tiny apartment. I know there are many people I can turn to, talk to, cry to. But I can�t�I know what they will say and nothing anyone can say will make me feel better. In fact I am a little afraid that I will just be rude to people for saying clich� things to me.

I am angry. No�furious. And I am terrified because it�s at God.
How can he do this? I mean I really feel that my family has been through enough this year, how much pain can he expect one family to endure.

I am so freaked out by literally seeing the elders of my family falling to pieces, acting brave just long enough to push back the tears.

My PapPap was not the greatest with his health, and he decided to have DNR in his medical record. He was older. It sucked when he died�more than I thought it would, I still remember Colleen hugging me in my room while I fell into a million pieces.

Stretch was and old chubby doggie, it was sudden and it hurt. But in the long run he was a dog.

Nana was the worst�seeing her was torture. Watching my dad try to work through it broke my heart, seeing my Uncle cry was hell. I cried more than I think I have ever cried. Every 15 minutes it seemed I cried out a gallon of tears.

But never once did I ever get mad at God, I�m not overly religious. I would rate myself as average.

But now�now�it�s not fucking fair. It�s ridiculous, it�s disgusting.
My cousin�.my baby cousin� the one person I really feel a connection.
Has cancer.
I can�t even type it without nearly breaking down. I mean�. He looks great all the tests are coming back great�apart from the cancer, he�s totally healthy. And he starts chemotherapy Wednesday�.
Oh my God this sucks it�s so doesn�t make sense. I want so much to stay up beat and know that everything will be okay. He�s young and healthy�.

But I am terrified. I don�t want anything bad to happen to him or my family. I just want all this horrible stuff to leave us alone. I can�t deal with losing someone again�

I don�t know what I would do�. I don�t know if my family could survive.

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Okay� what a week, what a week, what a week!!!
I would not be surprised if my school gets sued by half of the student population because of yesterday. For those of you who don�t know, in my area yesterday there was a HUGE ice storm. I mean it was pulling down trees, cars were transformed to giant ice cubes, and there were more car accidents then anyone could possibly count.
Now being the proud citizen I am, I had to drive 30 mins south of my dwelling to vote in our primary on Tuesday. It took me an hour and a half, but I got there and did my civic duty. I swung by my parents for some dinner and to do laundry (it�s free there). And by the time I was ready to get my butt back to my apartment the entire area was a winter wonderland of disaster. The ice was so think my yard, which normally would have a little more traction then the sidewalk, was an ice rink.
SO lucky little me had to crash at her parents with no hair brush, no tooth brush, and none of my books for Wednesday�s classes.
But I mean�any idiot could look outside and assume an intelligent person would at least delay classes. This was my first error, I assumed that my college was run by intelligent people�.HA.
But to be safe I woke up at 6AM (my class wasn�t until 9:30, but I needed to add in time to get to my apartment and then to school). And would you believe it�.the county my college is in was delayed and later canceled, all the colleges around mine were canceled, but did was mine?? Hell no it wasn�t, we are tremendous tigers would apparently all grew up in Alaska so an inch of ice isn�t going to stop us from getting our amazing education. Who cares if you break an ankle, as long as you make it to Eng 101 on time that�s all that matters!!
So I get to campus at 10of 9. And as I pull into the parking garage I am greeted to big burly men trying to break the ice of the ground so that we can actually drive into the garage without sliding off the edge of the bridge.
And after that I was greeted with ice covered concert stairs to slide down. But I was hopeful still. They hadn�t gotten to the garage because they were hard at work getting the campus ready�.even though my college had way for commuters than residents.
There I went assuming things�.silly girl I am.
I have to walk up a hill to get to my first class�.there was NO SALT to be seen on my walk to class. But that hill�.wow what a fun experience. It was a solid piece of smooth as glass ice, with now isn�t this a treat, a stream of rain water flowing over it! I slowly but surely inched my way up the hill (it was the only viable path to my class). But many were not as lucky as I. One girl made it almost to the top just to loose her footing and slide all the way back down.
But she was not alone! There were many a student falling or slide around campus yesterday morning.
But I got to class!! What a relief all that and now I can get some learning done, right?? No, not right. With 15 mins left before class my professor comes in�to CANCLE class because too many people e-mailed him they would not be coming to class�.and he didn�t even take the names of us who had made it to give us any sort of credit. OOOOH boy was I pissed.
Lucky for me my next class was just down the hall so I didn�t have to go out in the weather. But my 3rd class was around campus, it started at 11. By this time my college had decided that a little salt could possible help out. So I it wasn�t as bad as it could have been but, it still wasn�t pleasant.
My roommate�s teacher is giving extra credit to any student to write a letter of complaint to the administration because of this. I think that�s great! But I know that those letters won�t do any good, what will they do? Give everyone who turned up a t-shirt?
The highlight of it all came at 5pm when I was grocery shopping�a text from my school. Saying all classes starting after 7pm (about 3 of those exist) are cancelled. You know now that campus is walk able and the roads are dry�pfft you don�t have to come in!!!
BUT the men�s basketball game is still on if you would like to go to that, but no not classes, that�s just silly.

In Summary: Towson University wants it�s students and faculty to slip and break something, sue the institution for negligence, win, and be able to pay off their debts. Isn�t that nice of them??

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