haha I really need to stop being surprised by the speed that my ex boyfriends get over me. Now i am justing laughing at everything any of them ever said to me.
"ill wait for you" "Ill love you forever" "we're soul mates"
haha yet they rebound instantly. the most recent one has just posted a bulletin looking for a date just days after breaking up. hahahaha omg. i don't even know why i care. i just find the whole situation hilarious.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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*summer is becoming less bad. I have been hanging out with a lot of people from high school and it's pretty awesome.
*i have gotten back into watching movies
*i have had time to READ which is awesome.
*my pay checks are sweeeet i have never made so much
*i got my iHome back wooo
*i will have my apartment at the end of the month
*i am single
*I have lost 5 pounds since coming home. Just 15 more to go woo!!

*Over all life is not too bad*
<3

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so i can't decide if i actually want to give time to this subject....and i think i will just so i can rant a little bit. but why is the news media so focused on this Paris Hilton thing? There should not be a debate on whether it was right or wrong. Obviously it was wrong and dumb she got off the hook. but who cares really? why not focus on how corrupt and evil the world bank is and how it rapes poorer countries? or why not do a good story on the events in Africa and why so many Americans don't know about it. OR i don't know why not full. meaningful coverage about the war in Iraq and not just these lame sugar coated crappy stories that are all the same that are on once a week?
but no that is that important because that doesn't make the really money for corporate news agencies.

and on a more personal note....i truly hate my mother. she pays for my things and i couldn't make it without her help but she is a little evil.
today i had the guts to tell her i wasn't going to use my degree once i graduate and that i would rather be a sexual educator or something in that field. and she said that was dumb because those are all government jobs and they don't get paid well at all. and i said i didn't care about money. and then she yelled at me and said she would make me pay her back for my college education if i did that because she is paying for it so i can get a good paying job. and that is all there is to it. now i know many people will just say who cares by the time i get a job like that i will get out of school and she would have already paid for it. but if that she would just cut me out of her life until i paid it all back....
i was just so taken aback by what she said....i almost cried but i just walked away and now i just really want to move out. i mean why would she not want me to do something with my life that i would so that i can be happy.
oh i think it is also ironic that we were talking about old people earlier and i said she is tired of me now there is no way she will want to live with me when i she gets old. and she said no i wouldn't want to live in your house, but i wouldn't mind living on your property, like a guest or pool house. ........ so yeah. she blows.

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i have found that it is very hard for me to be alone. and i get very bored and blah within a short amount of time. alex and i have been having problems because i can not explain why i need time to figure myself out. and today i found out what i need to work on, i need to be able to spend the day alone with me every once in a while and not go crazy. i need to be okay with being with me before i can really be with anyone else. though this may seem like something obvious, but i think it's easy to tell people that but hard to realize you are one of "those people".
i this is a positive step. and i am happy i figured it out on my walk, perhaps it will be some kind of an incentive to continue with my walks and my enlightenment. and maybe i can knock off some of this college weight, because damn did my ass explode this semester. I am huge, and i need to really fix this because i want to look at myself in the mirror one day and not be grossed out. i don't think it will be uber hard to lose like ten pounds with 2 mile walks and working, at work i have to fight for a lunch or dinner break. and even if i get one my mother has started making me a salad....the healthiest kind of salad she found on her newest dieting adventure. and i have cut out all soda it's just water and OJ really with the occasional diet ice tea. my goal is to lose 30 pounds but i know that is going to take a long time, so i am setting mini goals.

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so i have been home for...4 days now.
and i already i am scratching at the walls to get out. i am excited to start work because i then have an excuse for not being home for hours at a time.
i feel like my parents relationship is a total shame and the only reason my mother puts up with my father is because of me. and i know that within a year of graduating she most likely will have filed for a divorce. i stayed away from home all semester because i didn't want to come back here.
and once i came home i did my best to make my room a mini apartment, i even have a fridge so i don't need to go downstairs for drinks. why? so i can have as little contact with my father as possible. i remember in high school during the summer i would stay up in my room until i knew he was gone, and even when he didn't work he would always leave the house.
i guess the real topper to all of this was the other day when alex mentioned how odd my father was acting and i didn't notice because i tend to ignore him (my dad not alex). but then after it rained he suddenly made me help him clean the gutters and he was acting soooo weird and i couldn't understand a single word coming out of his mouth and my mother asked if i noticed how odd he was acting. alex said it isn't impossible to think that he is doing drugs, and i think it isn't impossible to think that is he simply completely crazy, either way i am counting the days until i get my apartment.
on a happier note,alisa said she would go hiking with me this summer, which is amazingly awesome. she is really the only person i feel okay with randomly calling to see if they are free to hang out. everyone else needs to call me because i am just too shy. AND my mother said she was extremely proud of all the hard work i did this year and straight A's so she wants to send me somewhere. and by somewhere she is thinking like London because i can stay with my aunt so she only needs to worry about the plane ticket. she said she wanted a friend to go with me but i really don't know who i could ask, most of my friends need to work and don't have any extra money to take a trip of that magnitude, i did think about alisa but she just took a vaca with her parents and i have no idea if she would be able to go to england. all i know is i reeeeeeeeeeeeeally want to go.

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