What i really wanted to write in that email was
" i met this guy not too long ago and he was from Philly. I asked him to say "water" and i practically died right there. I still think of you sometimes, do you ever think of me?"

but i figured if you aren't Cheesesteak, that would be kind of random and forward. and the truth is he never leaves my mind. unfortunately for me i can't do anything about it.

if you are him and he is you, then why doesn't he ever respond? how come you don't ever directly contact me? how come he has never asked my sister about me or for my number?

you want me to believe that he is you. all i know of him now is the memories of a ghost i knew once. i have been waiting for him to make a move and no matter what i do, nothing has changed. you want me to hang on and wait for you so you can gather the courage to speak to me. but why not respond back? why not at least make it real to me? how am i supposed to believe anything you say when i have no proof that he is you? faith? i want more than that. i want proof. and i want to stop pretending.
do you not respect me at all? you have no quams about invading my privacy and following me around, but you can't even respond back to me or contact me directly? really? and yet you want me to have faith that you are coming back to me? faith i have, but i want some reassurance. but all i know about you is that you are always listening.
you used to condemn me for holding on to my memories and now you want me to cling to them. So why can't we make new memories? if you are coming back how come you aren't here yet? i know you are close. if our roles were switched i would run back to you the second i knew where to find you. no distance would be too great to cross if i just knew i could reach you.
but you are consumed by your doubt. you know my sentiment. if it is you, you know how i feel about you. and despite all of the obstacles i am willing to hope. and when i reach for you you turn away.
if you don't believe, then how am i supposed to? if you are alive, how am i supposed to believe you? how can i tell my friends that the love of my life has come back to me, if all i see is a ghost. or should i tell them that a helicopter is constantly following me around. and it's not the cops, but it's you. you just won't speak to me. how crazy would i sound?

why? because this is crazy! you want me to trust you. but how can i? is he you? i don't know. i want him to be you. but by staying away from me, you are taking away my faith in that hope.
even with my hope i still feel like i am in this alone and that i am still just a game to you. but if all you are is a ghost then why do you insist on staying one to me? don't you want to be more to me? can't you at least show me that i am not crazy by responding? can't you at least make it real for me? don't i deserve at least that?
i am not asking for a love letter although it would be greatly appreciated. i would just like to know that you are alive and listening. and i would like to know that you think about me sometimes. i don't want to have to guess or decipher anything. i want to hear your words again.
i have waited so long with only memories and faith to get me by. it is not too much to ask for acknowledgement. and to know that i am not crazy yet would be great. and to know that i am not in this alone would be stellar. and to know that he is you would be enough for now.

I'm confused
» lyndeep on 2007-09-26 11:56:40

me too. can you be who you were or does that person simply become a part of who you are now?
» mygreatescape on 2007-09-27 01:57:41

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