i stumbled onto pictures of him yesterday and i still felt the same thrill. it has been so long that i feel like it was a dream.

Does he ever think of me, i wonder. i have never stopped missing him. and maybe i am going about this the wrong way by trying to stop.

that one has a special place in my heart and i feel like it will always be there. but maybe it was just a thing of the past. a few stolen moments in heaven. eventhough i meant nothing to him, he means everything to me. i wanted to keep that one, but he didn't want me. and that is all there is to it. maybe the ghost i see everywhere is just that, just a few sparks of a brief period of happiness. and the truth is, i want to keep them close to me. those stolen moments are the happiest i have since then and i don't want to forget them.

but the truth is, that we are both different people since then. We would have to start again.

i won't lie, i wanted to keep that one. i liked the way his stories would make me laugh. i haven't liked the way any one else tells stories. i liked the way his smile gave me chills. i liked him because he was extraordinary. and by comparison, everyone else is just ordinary.

part of me wishes i could let go because he isn't really there. but most of me wants to hold on even though i have no signs that he is out there looking for me.

but i can't keep a ghost. the ghost keeps me. and that is not love. because what i love is just a sliver of him since he is different now. because he is different now and so am i. i would give anything for that chance to try again. but that would require him jumping too this time. and it would require him to be here and not just fading memories.

and i don't think he is coming, whomever he may be now. i think he thinks that i am not good enough for him. but i can't change my skin color and i can't change how much money my family has. and if all he wants is his parent's approval, then maybe i should find someone who believes that i am worth fighting for. Because i am.

i just wish someone would come along to fill my heart with happy moments again. i have spent so much of my time pretending and forgiving that i have forgotten how to find happiness. i am tired of trying to appease a ghost.

all in time
You cannot replace someone with someone else. Time will heal all wounds. Love will come again.... :)
» kkama67 on 2006-11-09 07:05:43

thanks. the wounds have healed, it's just that my heart won't let that one go. it has been over two years and he is still the first thing i think about every morning. i just wish i knew why.
» mygreatescape on 2006-11-10 11:14:03

woah...
pining for lost loved-ones or old boyfriends/girlfriends?
i used to do taht, but then i figured if he felt that way, i didnt care. "there's more fish in the sea".. but.. thats personally backtracking and i really dont want to do that..
» marymary on 2006-11-14 04:21:48

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