The sweat purifies my skin, as I push my body to exhaustion just so I can no more effort to do anything, cuz anything is too much.

The tears make my entire face hurt even the morning after I wake up from crying myself to sleep for the umpteenth time.

Everything in me wants to come out, in hopes that I would like what is left over.

I need air, fresh outdoor air. I need friends, ones who pop in my room even when I want to be alone. I need something to do, in a sense I need stress or I start stressing about other things. I need plans, sorry, but I do, if for nothing else than to give me something to look foward to so I want to get up each morning still. I need color, and light, enough of this saving electricity so the house is dark and enough of the clouds so even when it's day everything is dank.

Amanda was telling me how she went to this site where you can plug in stuff and find the perfect place for you to live... I don't think it is PA for me. I would like it to be MA, but that is too cold now... I'll probably end up somewhere I dont want to be either, cuz some people's lives are ruled by others and they dont' have the balls to do anything about it. Hello people, we are adults, let's grow up and make our own decisions, regardless of our overly controling parents.

*sigh* my brother was amazing last night though... he really was and after crying and screaming for an hour with my parents I was able to go to sleep mildly calm and smiling in reflection of the love my family has for each other. Going out and buying 4 boxes of beans and rice cuz he knows I like it and thought it would make me feel better doesn't seem like much, but it really was the world at that moment. Then offering to "talk" just about killed me cuz we never just "talk" about stuff... 4 boxes of rice and beans.... that's all it takes to make me happy these days.

Aunt Rose and the girls are here.

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I have to work on a lot of things... but even though I know what I SHOULD be doing, I don't WANT to, not yet, but I have to or else I'm gonna lose more than I am trying to gain. I wish I wasn't dissappointed, but I guess that is what happens when you form expectations that in your heart you know probably won't come through... I learned, but I failed again cuz I tried to believe. There are just some facts in life, and I must accept them. I can't change them at this point, not till I am older and more on my own where I can say, "fuck you".... although I hope I never really do say that, just think it.

I probably should've gone with the more practical, fair plan, which was to actually show up to something so I wouldn't be the odd one out of the "memories and oh remember this time during new years?". Oh well, I made my choice, rather a rash one, but I made it, and now I'll just grit and bear the horrible nastolgic stories that I will be hearing for the first whole month back at school of times that I decided not to come cuz I put the dick before the chick. Whew, anyway, *shrug* I was never big into the New Years anyway... I guess cuz my parents never were. It would be nice to have a cool New Years tho, mine have been quite drab my entire life.

I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, and I just have to make the best of what people hand to me. I wish I wasn't so plan oriented. I just need stuff to look foward to especially during a freakin break for a month, when there is NOTHING to wake up for. *sigh* at least I'll have three youngins that might lift my spirits. Maybe I'll take them out to a movie... I miss my family. Weird cuz I never said that, but last night I cried, cuz I miss them, and I really felt the love they have for me and I for them, and that they only want what is best for me and I for them. This is really an important holiday this year for many many reasons. A lot of tough times and I wish we were ALL together for it.

The gym was crowded today, only open 8-12 I guess. I made it but felt like complete shit and an ass, so I left after 40 minutes. At least I did something. My skin around my mouth is red again, I thought I outgrew that... damn. I should eat something... and go chat with the madre, whom I love more and more eat day too. I need to express myself better and stop holding grudges, and I really need to just... let go. Maybe that'll be my new year's resolution.

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So I should be writing my paper.... yea well I have so far 4 pages of bullshit done... need a break.

So I had a good weekend at home. Been a while since i could say that right? ha. Hung out with David A and Li to see RENT which was freakin awesome, went over to TIm's with David to chill... caught up, talked about drinking, Tim's gf, and other such nonesense that is always talked about when Tim is around :P, was supposed to hang out with Ryan but that fell thru the bum, David W kept calling but never picking up when I called back so I missed Neato Burrito :(, Got dinner with Tom, was supposed to hit up the hottub for some girl talk with Li but she didn't call till after my parents were in bed, and spent a lot of time with my dad who actually asked me in one of our car rides to listen to him not as his daughter, but as a psychiatrist.... then he apologized for telling me a lot of what is bothering him and devulging how he really feels, cuz I shouldn't worry, and I am not going to say I wont' worry, because I will, and I felt very... grown up and trust worthy for my dad to have told me that stuff.

Then I went to MD...said hi to Grandma Lola, everyone looks good, college is treating Christine and Casey well as far as I could tell. Met the infamous MATT! Played a round of pool, slept on the futon of which Keith and I are still the only couple who has not messed around or had sex on it, ate rice, played Cranium in which everyone's nerves were being tested near the end, and crashed after meeting a few relatives in my pjs and seeing the mom for about 2.5 seconds. Woke up at 6:15am to drive back here... it was a somber drive... but we made it.

So I think I've been doing better... I think. I only had one major breakdown and that was after a car incident. I am in control of my emotions, and just do what I used to do when something is bothering me... clam up and shut up I guess is a good description. It's interesting how some things such as passiveness or apologizing are so ingrained into our culture as being things women should do and speak that I find myself doing them more when I am out of my comfort zone... or a bit askewed. Interesting. Anyway, I find myself in a mellow lul, a funk, or a downward swing more often now than before, but I am not as uncontrolabley sinical, and although I can't really snap out of my low times, I am not taking it out on others as much... I think. I just kinda don't talk. We'll see how it progresses. I am trying to get better at a lot of things.. so bare with me. Keith is working so hard, and I hope I can prove I am doing the same soon... kinda frusterating when I can't.

For the next three weeks I just need to get thru with really good grades cuz now is the time to make up for slip ups earlier, so that will be causing stress, and along with Americorps stuff... i feel bad that I haven't done anything with HOPE in the office... tomorrow I have two programs tho and then a meeting with my Brit Lit II group for our presentation that is Tues. I also have a human diversity project and a speech next week!!!! I will be looking foward to this weekend, even tho we have an AmeriCorps xmas party Sat night.

I started xmas shopping!!! I love it! Not the spending money, but everything else. I hope this Christmas is good...I need a good one, I need a good break... we'll see. Damn, now I have all these songs from RENT stuck in my head, so I better go back to writing this paper shit of bull.

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Before I start reading again and studying.... again, I am in the mood for writing a tid bit. More just... cuz there is no one to talk to.

I am able to finish smoothies again now for some reason which is good? I think my appetite is gonna go up again from being off the pill. My legs hurt from not going to the gym, and sadly stil haven't made it yet cuz of all this work. Next week seems so far away! Just cuz of the homeless mini, and I know I have to get thru that first. Today I skipped class. So did Keith, and so did Katie I think. ha.

Cindy is sick again, but with lerangitis so she couldn't speak but still taught class, she also has a sinus infection because of the meds she is in that trial for for her Krohns and MS, so they are afraid that her eardrum will burst soon and put her on vicodin which I feel cool now to be able to put something under "medications allergic to"... vicodin and psuedophed. woohoo! Poor Cindy tho, and it really made me realize how much worse things could be than being totally stressed, and having aching knees.

What made my night tho was the same kid who asked me to read their short story they wrote one night, slapped me on the back and asked me how tall I was... hahaahha, oh man I haven't had one of those in a while.. and of course, same response... "are you even 5 feet?" and me saying, "nope, never made it"

I'd like to be the end all be all... and it's hard facing the fact that I'm not.

I need to work on my attitude--- however my dad says I only get surly or rude or "the tone in my voice" goes bad when I am stressed, which for one reason or another has been all year, so hence the bad attitude even when I am ok. It has nothing to do with anyone most of the time, just me and my own thoughts, and my voice perpetually just lowers itself automatically into some mundane accusing tone. If I really were angry there would be bodily gestures going along with it most likely.

I need a break, but not one where I go home. I need one to someplace even by myself would be nice, with Keith would be even better although I doubt that to him would be termed a "relaxing break". I am not really looking foward to being home. Not having my space as in my room is quite the difference and I always feel like I up and have no place to be calm. Even when I went to the hottub place near Li's I freaked out and couldn't relax. Winter Break will be interesting... I'll probably try to go to Maryland a lot but I dont know how that will work since both my parents are working now and Nick's car is broken down...again.

I am feeling for the first time, the want of my own car. I want one here at college too. *sigh* however, no money. Germany and Cali are gonna completely bankrupt me. I have no idea where Christmas is gonna come from, but it is my favorite holiday and the gift giving is my most look fowarded to experience all year, so I'll figure something out.

Time to hit the books.

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that's right... it's gonna all be ok, cuz u know what? I got myself into this and I am gonna stick to it... maybe u can't do everything but at least u can give all and as much of urself to one thing, and that is what my goal is. To take it for what it's worth and only give my all, so that in the end, if there is an end, I will have known that I at least gave my all... that is what I want from myself that I haven't been able to do for a long time. I need to take the energy I have spent focusing inwards, and gear it outwards. Sure insecurities are gonna be there, but whose keeping me from blaming myself too... I need to start doing more of that. Last night at the lecture River talked about forgiving everyone in her life. That is the step I am working on and I think is the cause of a lot of my problems over the past 6 months. Ever since I realized what was happening, my insecurities about trusting someone's words, trusting someone with my self, with my friendship, and with my body was taken away... and then I found myself not able to trust anyone else either... and old by gones were now prominant here and nows in my head everyday. It's not your fault, and I try to tell myself it's not mine cuz that is what all the professionals say is true... so maybe it's not so much about not being able to trust others, as it is not being able to trust my own instinct, something that I rely on all the time. Not only was I misguided by someone, but also by myself... or maybe I wasn't and I just wanted to be stupid for once and... look at how much that screwed me up. Forgiveness... have I forgiven him? I guess that would be the next step... since I've gone through the repression, neglection balh blah blah and hit the hatred stage over the summer once I fully understood what happened... and now onto forgiveness... well if River could forgive 6 men for raping her then I need to get my head on straight and forgive him too. There's a lot more guilt involved when not only were u lied to but then also violated, then just being raped by a gang of strangers. I think that's my glitch... that damn guilt. I know that I can't carry this burden anymore of soon I will need to go see someone, like Amanda said I should... haha sis always there to be blunt. I thought about it,... then like everyone else who denies that they need help said I was too busy. Opening my heart again is gonna be hard, but I have to, cuz there is someone out there who if I let, maybe I will stop seeing the negatives, and the fear of being lied to won't rule my days, if I trust again... I want to, cuz I want to give you everything and not lie myself.

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... cuz I miss sharing everything with you. That's the strongest thing on my mind right now. The other is how much I freakin hate Americorps and people who wont help out right now... freakin homeless mini is turning into a disaster! Third thing is Keith and how I can't do anything to help, and forth is Cindy and how I have been trying to avoid her cuz of how dissapointed in myself and disjointed I have been this year yet she wants to talk and I realized that that really is what I need... man she is amazing. Fifth is how I have realized that I cycle through friends every year... the first year is awesome, the second, not so much and by the latter half of the second it is all hell... it's happened three times since the time I actually HAD friends that I wasn't dancing with. Now I am finding that I need to start over again too. Sixth is the need to go home but not wanting to leave Keith here this weekend. Seventh is trying to keep my emotions under control, and that is hard as shit... gahhhhh! WTF? Why wouldn't I take u seriously... I have only been stressing about how you are and wht you are thinking for the past freakin weeks since you mentioned ur dad again for christ's sake, and trying to figure out the best way to help... and being at a loss for words or actions that has left me completely lost and helpless... jesus. That has to be the most hurtful thing you have ever said to me so far. FUCK. I have to get outta here.... bye.

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