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The Invitation- Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
What you need to know
Name: Meggyo
Status: in a relationship
Occupation: student at Slippery Rock Unviersity
Majors: exercise science and enlgish lit
Location: Hershey PA for now
Who I am: a ridiculous short girl who is trying to live the most now while looking so eagerly foward to the rest of her life
Where I wish I was: in his arms
Current question: should I stop wishing for things to go back to how they used to be?
Song of the day: ps. if this is austin by Brad Paisley
The Dance- OMD
I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don’t jump up and shout, “Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!”
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiraling down into the ache within the ache,
and I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, every day.

Don’t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
and see who I am in the stories I live.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly okay with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving
those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance,
the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul’s desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs
you want our children’s children to remember.
And I will show you how I struggle not to change the world,
but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging.
Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words,
holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind,
dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale
of the breath that is breathing us all into being,
not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don’t say, “Yes!”
Just take my hand and dance with me.
the sex of the matter
Sunday. 2.18.07 9:52 pm
So I just got done talking to Frank for about an hour, we needed to catch up on things that have been going on mostly in his life with Lacy. I am always surprised at the openess of the conversation, and it sure isn't initiated by me. So essentially we got onto the topic of sex. Talked about condoms breaking, fears of pregnancy, pulling out, first times, first I love you's, who you should and should not be having sex with, marriage, and that all of course and it's relevance to Sarah and Lacy. Mostly he talked and I listened. I mentioned how my mom once told me that sex was the glue that binded a marriage together, and I never realized or accepted that that might be true till about a year ago. It in essence then is what is one of the major things that distinguish our partner from our friend. My mom also said that being on an infertility plan to try and get pregnant was the worst thing that could have happened to her marriage because you had to have sex whether you were in the mood or not, it was scheduled. It felt like a chore. Well anyways, that and the no premarital sex was about the only conversation my mother and I ever had about sex. I argued with her that some people who are married shouldnt' be having sex and some people who aren't married are responsible enough to. Basically, what my conclusion on the matter of pre martial sex is, from talking to Frank and my own thoughts: Unless you are prepared to take the consequences whether it be a disease or a baby and you can honestly see yourself being happy with that person for the rest of your life if either were to develope, then you can have sex. If not, then there are too many risks and to have a baby and not be a father, or to have a disease and need to let your future spouse know you got it once while knocking up with some person you thought you loved. If you can see the person you are with as being the father or mother of your child, or one that would stick with you if you or both of you had say, herpes, then you are ready to have sex, if you want to that is.

In addition, the timing of saying I love you and proposing. Take Frank for instance. We both shared when our first I love yous were to his ex girlfriend and Keith and if he was ready to say it to his current girlfriend or not. Just because his relationship with Sarah lasted 2 years only, doesn't mean he shouldn't have said I love you when he did, because at the time he did. So to his wondering if it's too early to say it to Lacy I'd sya hold off a bit because they are still in the honeymoon stage but if that is what he feels, then that is what he should say. Now proposing is another yet similar concept. He was about to propose to Sarah about a year ago because he was so head over heels with her, but his parents warned him not to and to get to know her more and give it time. Well fortunately he did hold off because his feelings for her drifted even though she always had it in mind to marry him, which I think distracted her energy from concentrating on the present. He said that if he had proposed that he would've stuck it out and lived his life unahppy because when he made that proposal it's just as good as a vow, saying, I want to and will spend the rest of my life with you, for better or worse. Now I wouldn't want someone, whether they proposed or didn't propose to stay with me if feelings drifted, but that is a good approach to the matter I guess, not take it lightly, it is a committment even if there has been no ceremony yet. So when DO you know? When do you know you know the person enough, and can concretely conclude that they are the one? Honestly, I don't think you can really... but I do think you can conclude whether or not you are willing to stick with that person through the tough and good times or not. Whether if sickness or tragedy or poverty or loss you would still want to be with that person. It's not about finding the perfect person necessarily. It's finding the person who can make you grow, who can force you to become a better person, who can comfort you like none other, who will believe in you and fight for you when you want to give up, and who will UNCONDITIONALLY stick with you through anything. That is the promise one should make to another when they want to take that final step. That you will fight for you, work for you, and never give up on you... you being the two wholes that make a bigger whole.

I think the feeling to propose is the same sort of feeling that overcomes someone when they first want to say I love you. You just know. I guess it's different in that love can change into different forms that may wane and wax back and forth to friendship or aquaintance or family. However if you think about it marriage changes too. The marriage you went into at the beginning might be about sharing things, living together, cooking, cleaning, loving, sleeping in the same bed, seeing each other constantly... all that icky love gooshy stuff. But then marriage takes on a new role. It's there for financial security, you start sharing money, working to supoort each other, buying investments like cars and houses. Then it can become one about family. You are together for your family, the kids, the pets, the hobbies and school. Then once the kids are out of college and on their own it's back to work and money and some "you" time. Then retirement if you ever do that, and marriage is about grandchildren, and family, and cooking and cleaning and living together and paying bills that has become like an old habit and reading together and rocking in rocking chairs and finding a new hobby... that icky gooshy love stuff. It's kind of full circle with each new level just adding on to the next. So really, marriage changes just like love does and each stage of marriage comes with new challenges.

So when you say you want to marry someone it can't be someone who will fit just the first part of the marriage. It can't be someone who you just wnat to come home to after a day at work and cuddle in bed with. It has to be someone you can sweat over the bills and still go to bed happy with. It has to be someone you can't even speak to when you get home because you are so tired from driving the kids to practice and making dinner and cleaning and doing errands after work and have them not be angry at you for falling asleep before they had time to say I love you back. It has to be someone that if your child were sick would do everything to make it ok and sacrfice what was needed to make them better, even if that was just their shoulder to cry on every night. It has to be someone who when your children say they hate you and storm out of the house can look into your eyes and tell you that you are still a good parent and goes chasing after the child to make sure they are ok. It has to be someone that is reliable, forgiving and supportive. It has to be someone that when all you can do is walk from the couch to the kitchen to the car and back to bed, still surprises you, makes you laugh, enlightens your mind and heart, teaches you and challenges you. It has to be someone who you are willing to fight for because you know you will get more out of it than they will if they are with you.

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a lesson from class
Monday. 1.22.07 12:59 pm
Hindsight bias: "I knew it all along" the tendency to exaggarate after learning the outcome one's ability to have foreseen how an event turned out. Tends to make people very judgemental.

So we make mistakes in jugement BEFORE the outcome... and why is that? Because NO ONE knows the real outcome. Say, for example, I got back together with Keith and things didn't work out. Everyone regardless to what they said about us getting back together would be a good or bad thing, would say, "OH I KNEW it wasnt a good idea! I just KNEW it! I saw it coming but did I say anything? Noooooo, I wanted to wait it out, but i KNEW!" So how obnoxious is that right? However, we ALLLLL do it. No exceptions. Just today, watch yourself and see how many times you do it and you don't even notice! It can be simply... Oh I knew we shouldn't have walked, it was too icy out. But hey, plenty of people DID go out and didn't fall! So you weren't right completely. The reason why some people like to remain impartial at the beginning or during a process or event is because everyone likes to be right. No one want so make a judgement call in the beginning and be told they were a fool afterwards if it does not turn out the way they predicted because... EVERYONE ELSE KNEW what OBVIOUSLY would happen! I might think I am right, but I have no problem with being proven wrong, as long as the person gives me substantial evidence for why I am wrong, then, I see their point and if I can agree then I will. But what this hindsight bias creates is a very judgemental world that EVERYONE should know EVERYTHING and never misjudge. It's human nature, hell that's why it's in a textbook and is one of the most common human instincts and behaviors studied in social psychology. It's something everyone does and in that way puts more pressure on ourselves and others that they should know the right answer just because in the end the outcome seemed to darn simple and duhhh obvious. Try guessing the end before you find out. How many times will you be right? How many times have you looked back on a situation and beaten yourself up about it because you feel as though you should've known that it would fall out that way? We are too hard on ourselves and often on others because of this human tendency. Will it change in a day? Can we tell ourslves to not hindsight bias anymore? Of course not. We will, but wouldn't it be a better world if we started off being at least aware that we are doing it and trying to not... at least that is my step. Because after all, I just learned about it today in class.

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health promotion
Monday. 1.8.07 10:51 pm
So it could just be another one of my manic episodes where I get attached to this one idea just for the sake of getting attached and excited... but I came across Health Promotion, Health Promotion Management, Public Health, Health Science for Population, family and reproductive health specializing in child and adolescent health... and all sorts of combos and wondered, almost outloud... could this be it? Could this be the match I have been looking for? It's another lightbulb that may or may not burn for very long but so far people have said that it reminds them of me and that anything I do that involves helping people is good enough of a calling.

Program combines concern with the growth of human population, its determinants, consequences, and implications for health and well-being with a focus on children and women in the childbearing years, emphasizing the concepts and interrelationships of physical growth, developmental maturation, and social welfare with preventive curative and rehabilitative health principles, practices, and policies.

Health promotion specialists are health educators who are trained to use appropriate educational strategies and methods in developing policies, procedures, interventions, and systems that improve the health of individuals, groups, and communities. Health promotion specialists focus on behavior change for individuals and communities.

program prepares new and current health promotion practitioners to plan, implement, and evaluate health promotion and wellness programs in a variety of settings: hospitals, corporations, health maintenance organizations, community health agencies, health clubs, government agencies, and academic campuses

.... eh?

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walking
Friday. 1.5.07 6:15 pm
This is the second day I have gone for a long walk... shin pain excluded I love walking. It is the only thing I can do for a long period of time at any moment in my life and can always provide an outlet and escape for my thoughts and feelings. It also gives me the needed elevation of mood and self awareness that I sometimes lose. I wish I had this same connection with running however I am not in shape enough for that... haha. So I've been listening to my new ipod nano while I walk and it is very different than walking in the silence. I don't hear the noise of cars as progressively, so it's kind of scary. I don't hear the wind before I feel it. I don't spend as much time looking around myself and kind of just go on autopilot in my direction. However, it does let me escape further into myself as if I am walking around with a bubble between me and the world. I normally don't think very clearly with music on the background but I have managed. I'll think about things I want to say, conversations or speeches I would like to give, dreamy things like the perfect house or a vacation or a career that I am still searching to find. Then i will walk by a hedge and get scared, or by a house that is doing laundry and feel at peace because it smells like Keith's laundry detergent. It is while I am walking that I also feel very close to some people. I can almost feel them walking next to me, like if I spoke they would reply. Sometimes I do talk to them and just hear automatically what they would say back (silently of course). I used to go for such long walks years and years ago... and I'm glad I have gotten back in touch with it at least for a little while.

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Love and life
Tuesday. 12.26.06 2:20 pm
I just finished watching The Notebook and not that a movie is always the innovation for someone to look at their own love and life, and it wasn't even the movie today, but I figured I'd just mention the movie because it made me think of other things too.

I've thought a lot about love this past week being away from Keith. The things I find missing are the things no one else can replace. I guess it is those qualities that I adore and inevitably have fallen so deeply in love with. It's only with Keith that I feel so safe lying next to no matter what just happened in our lives or what time of day it is. I could always lay next to him. There's also the way we talk, using words and derrivitive that only we and our circle of friends are familiar with. There's the tones and emphases on certain phrases that only we know the meaning of and can laugh at. There are dances and gestures that can pick us up and make us laugh again. There's the hug that even though the difference in height seems significant we still fit together right. There's the surprise visits and knocks on the door, the making coffee and food for each other, the running out of the shower shiveringly cold no matter how warm I keep my room, the stealing of blankets and elbowing at night in a twin sized bed, the sharing of pillows between the knees and the always forgotten toothbrush. There's the driving somewhere and the selection of music, grocery shopping shopping cart included, walking in the cold, snow, rain and heat. There's the occasional meal or event out where it's no big deal anymore who pays because love has no measure of money. Then there's shopping for something and always finding something else for the other, going through each day catologuing things to remember to tell each other, the wearing of each other's clothes that must be magical because they can always fit both of us, the random singing and skipping in public, holdings hands that I swear were molded for one another, and the bunny butt. These are the things I miss and love, these are the things I would want to remember.

Last night David asked me if I thought Keith was the one. Quite the question, I'd say look above if you are not sure.

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...
Tuesday. 12.5.06 10:16 am
I'm starting to feel under rated... and kind of pointless.

People make me so mad!!! Eli is being such a dick about Ashley not asking him to come over yet, Glenn... well I am very dissapointed in him, Becca is blowing all of her friends off for her boy. Oh and people think I am too stupid to apply for PT school. Yesturday Ashley was telling me while we were running that at the beginning of the year the staff was worried that I would pull away from them because I had a boyfriend on campus... well looks like they were wrong now weren't they, I spend more time with the staff than I do with keith any given week and it's the people who have significant others not here that pull away from the staff. I think I am proud of the fact that I can balance the two... and I guess I owe that to Keith who says no to hanging out as much as I would want. Friends are forever.

The past couple of weeks I feel like things have been going well overall: I've felt good, been able to workout and at least yesturday I was very productive with getting ahead on school work instead of last minute cramming and have been able to spend time with friends more than I have with Keith, but they are who need me it seems so there goes my carefully planned out free time. Taking a break like I have been able to has seemed to work really well for motivating me to get work done and yet have something to relax with later. Sleep is good too.

The HOLIDAY looks good

I think I might want to see if I can get some therapy next semester... just work through some last things that will never get resolved so I need to figure out ways to get over them without the answers I am looking for. I probably won't be able to fit it in though.

I feel a big change building up... maybe this new years there will actually be some revolutionizing revolutions.

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