I was just thinking... how much I tell my two friends who I can actually talk to here, about my life, my friends' lives, my thoughts, questions etc, and I wonder, do other ppl do this? Do other ppl know this much about ME as I tell others about THEM? I really wonder. And it is hardly anything bad, it's just relaying day to day conversations, news, but in the end, I think Li and David know much about my college and Maryland friends that they could easily pop into their lives without hardly a blink.

How about those phases we all go thru where we latch onto one hobby for a while, then ditch it and move on.. how useless is that? As Casey and I were to relaying out previous phases of jewelry making, scrunchie making etc etc etc... I realized how much of a waste it kind of was, cuz I can't use any of it anymore, but I geuss I got somethinggg out of it. Then there are other kinds of phases like the guitar playing phase, or the spanish speaking phase, or the losing weight phase. It's a shame when u learn something, or strive for something, then eventually loose the value of it and even forget how to speak spanish or play an instrument, or can't dance anymore... talking of which, I need a new hobby for the summer. I should get to reading that book I bought two months ago.

*sigh* gotta get up the guts to go run again today even tho I can't walk very well... damn shins. But I have a month to get into shape for the 24 hour relay! Around for the rest of the day.

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Instead of those lyrics to a country song, it seems to be just getting harder and harder all the time. With every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, so when one experiences great joy and companionship, when that is taken away (even momentarily) it is replaced with feelings of loss and helplessness. Just goes to show how much better things are getting, by the harshness of the leaving. The more time we spend together, the more you become part of my day, not just in a phone call, but in ur presence, ur touch, ur smile, ur laugh... even with you, every moment I wait for another peck of a kiss, or a silly grin... and without you, I... am at a loss of a lot of expectations.

We make a better team everytime we try something new, and now not only do I doubt I could do some things on my own, more, I don't want to. I want to have u to talk to, u to calm me down, u to do the jobs I am afraid or not capable of doing. You know me like no other, this is true. You know most of what makes me upset, how I work, what I am and am not capable of doing, how to calm me, how to cheer me up, how to listen when maybe even listening is more than what I need. My mom just asked me to make pizza dough, and in the process my dad came home, while I was standing helplessly crying at the cabinet, trying to get all the ingredients down, which of course I could not reach... but you could and you did, the last time I made pizza crust.

At times like those when I need your helping hand I miss you most. Whether that hand is in the form of a hug, a taller arm, a smile, an "it's ok", a "do u want to go to the gym?", an "I'll get it"...

The other times I miss you are when I have a wonderful day... and when you are here I not only get to share my days with you, but they are wonderful because of you.

I layed down on my pop's lap just a little while ago cuz I was crying about not having u here to reach the whole wheat flour for me, and stuff (which I swear is because of these pills), and there is a different form of comfort found in a father than a significant other. One that you know will never leave in heart, so you aren't as afaid of it being the last snuggle, no matter how old you are, or of him not wanting to snuggle anymore... but every moment I spend with you I never want to let go, partly because I just found you, and you've only been witness to 2 out of my 19.5 years of life, and partly cuz there is still this thought in the back of my head that unlike a father, life can take away boyfriends much easier.

I never realized what your smell was, (besides laundry detergent and ur cologne) until today... it's sweet, just like you with a slight tinge of ur clothes, but more so, a comfort, reassurance... a soft reminder of what your hug is like. *nod* that's ur smell. I think there are a few tear drops on ur pillow now.

I fell in love with you all over again in the wave pool, our last time out... and this past visit it was the hugs from behind and the single kisses on my neck, the watching you paint and take care of me, watching you learn how to play one of my favorite songs, and of course... "remember the time when we stayed up all night talking?"

Remember: I'd rather not get into disgreements, than get make up cards and flowers.

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.. not tired.. ancy cuz I haven't been to the gym in a WHILE, wasn't even up to snuff really talking to Katie when she called, just kinda.. blah. sorry future roommate (Amanda, u will ALWAYS be MY ROOMIE, so Katie is now coined "future roommate... or mate with whom I shall live") brrr just got cold. So far, not so insightful...

This summer.... I want it to be over for the most part. Sure I will miss my parents at school, but I won't miss many ppl here in Hershey. We're drifting, or maybe I am the one drifting away from them while they stand still. The only ppl I can call up at any point in time and see what they are upto are Li and David.. but still, they are busy with each other, so I rarely hear from them anymore either most days. They are both working more than I am, David is taking class now too. (just finished MY class today woohoo!) I could hang out with Court and all them, but they don't approve of anything or anyone in my life, so why bother, when the things they would like to pretend really aren't worth shit are wayyy more important than they are these days (like Keith, li and david). Kinda sucks when people hold grudges and can't grow up... I think they are afraid of being wrong, of admitting that they lost something, of feeling pain for once. It's easier to be a cocky bitch or asshole than it is to feel most of the time.... well not for me, but I hear it is anyway.

My mom and I went grocery shopping today (mother daughter bonding time), and she was telling me about working for her bosss... and how even the customers realize how tough she is on her helping staff. So we were talking about how being professionally civil or polite seems to be a missing lesson in today's day and age. People just don't know how to be tactful and considerate, jumping to conclusions all the time, n of course.. blaming everyone else! My mom was saying how she is astounded that her boss talks to her like that and stuff.. and I relayed a conversation I had had with Keith about how I notice some of my old friends treating each other, and that that was a main reason why I couldn't be around them anymore... I could never imagine EVER treating someone who I respected or even was an aquaintance with like these ppl treat others, I wouldn't even treat my enemies like that. It really is sad how some people don't have the decency we all thought was normal. I am happy I was brought up the way I was.. and as Keith mentioned in his blog, there ARE some wholesome ppl out there; such as the Maryland gang, SRU gang (whom I miss all them sooooo much), my parents, and a few stragglers in Hershey, Amherst and Belchertown. It really is amazing how u can form two lives, one at school and one here... unfortunately for me, I am not so happy with the one here anymore. Trips to Maryland do the soul some good (even when Mike tells it to rain on the bday girl's soul ;) )

I have a problem, prolly more than one, but I am thinking of just one right now. haha.

Whenever I eat gummy something I think of when my roomie told me, "that has the shit I wax my car with in it!" mmm car wax. It boggles my mind how we are all not dying yet from these toxins and random shit we are putting into our bodies. Talking about food.. meat is so expensive! I will prolly live quite close to being vegetarian when I am on my own just because of the COST of meat these days. And they think ppl are turning vegetarian for health reasons.. more like for bank reasons. pfft.

I think it'd be cool to have a rice cooker.. definitely mroe convenient than the stove version cuz u have to watch it all the time and reheat it later.

shit. forgot to take pill. If it is not within eyesight I forget, unless it's food... then it can be anywhere and even when I want to forget, I remember.

I swore a lot today driving... I need to watch that or I'm gonna let something slip around my parents. THat is another thing, I am very glad my parents never let me swaer or use derogatory language EVER. It is overrrused these days n unfortunately I am falling into it lil by lil.

I feel like my parents know something I don't know that they know... kinda bugging me out.

Gonna make a grocery list for tomorrow, then head to bed. hehe that rhymes.. ok I'm off.

*sWeEt DrEaMs* (u didn't say it tonight)

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Something to think about: Oprah today was talking to Cameron Diaz and she said something really interesting... Cameron was talking about how she wished she was a vulumptious woman who busted out of her clothing with femininity.. and how she had to accept herself the way she was, all skinny and stuff. She said that even tho other ppl may find her attractive, she never wanted the body she had but had to grow to like it cuz it is her vessle thru life.Then they were talking about working out and how Cameron had NEVER worked out before Charles Angels cuz she was "already skinny enough". But when she did, she loved it and she FELT stronger and Oprah said that, when you feel physically stronger, u have more power to take control of other things in ur life! I really believe that, and maybe that is what it is about the gym, besides the endorphins and such.. the power I get from it. Interestinggggg.

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... is not only the name of a book I want to read, about a rape victim who survived, but also... what I realize more and more that I am. Maybe 'luck' isn't the word, but... 'given the people in my life who really care about me which makes a world of difference'. Anyone can sit there and tell me over and over, (like they have) how they stilllll disagree with my relationship decisions, however, I have to say, so far, I could not have made a better choice. For many things, little or big, or little things that could turn into big things over time, I am appreciative about our relationship; such as simple things that really make a world of difference and the whole structure of things: supportiveness, communication, listening, open mindedness, sympathetic, patient, understanding, forgiving, not petty, non violent or aggressive, no usage of derogatory phrases/words, respect... that all really show up in circumstances everyday, and a relationship with them is wonderful. I guess I don't realize how wonderful and grateful I am till I hear another couple's story of the hour and think to myself, "now what would happen if I were in her shoes and keith were in his?" when I realize the answer I think, "man am I lucky!"

On another note, my parents... for them I am extraordinarily lucky. Being home for the summer, everyone is talking about parents wanting "family time" and not allowing them the freedom and space they need... definitely not a problem my parents and I have, in fact they have always been sooo self-less that they allow me to go spend more time with my friends and boyfriend than I EVER spend with them. I tell them about some of my life... when they ask or if something is really bothering me, but they hardley know my life. We haven't fought since I was 16 or so, maybe a snappy tone from me or a sarcastic one from them, but after a "don't talk to me like that, I don't like it" from my dad or a "hmph" from my mom (to whom I usually now just hand the hmph right back and ask her, 'what's wrong with youuuuuu?" the bickering is over. I am constantly reminded especially from my dad how glad he is that I am his daughter (unlike many parnets who still wish they never had kids), and even if he calls me too often to check up on me, at least he cares enough to be a nag.

Maybe I don't talk to or know anything about barely any of my extended family, maybe my brother has put our family thru things that no one I've met yet can understand, maybe my family is still living pay check by pay check, maybe we still have never had cable tv, maybe... maybe those things don't matter in the long run and have actually helped me become a more thoughtful person.... or maybe I'm just lucky.

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Last night I had quite the vivid dream... and it's a concept that keeps coming back to me.... I was looking to apply for a job, so I went to the Soda Jerk, and then my mom was there with me too after this woman was like, I'll pay you 3 dollars to be the front desk person. So we walk into the restaurant and I see Lindsey Sullivan, Ryan O'Donnell and Kyle LaFlamme from b'town eating! So I walk over and Linds is like.. okkkkkk another hug. They were traveling around the country going to cities and stuff over the summer.. there was some movie playing that I had talked to Ryan about before on the tv, we were all lounging after eating, I got a big freakin hug from Ryan who spun me around for 5 minutes and I thought his arms would break, and then Kyle just kinda kept his cool.... the whole time tho Ryan was being really friendly, a bit too friendly... but I just kept talking about where they were going after this place (and we weren't in Hershey, cuz I suggested they go TO hershey), and they said that they would go to Baltimore next, and they hoped that riding the boat wouldn't cost more than 5 dollars, and I said it might cost 12... and I said I would totally join them if they went to Baltimore cuz my boyfriend lives around there. They talked about how they had like 3,500 to start with and they only had 500 left now, and they still needed to go on all these trips, so Linds was like, well Pat (oh yea pat keefe was there) we'll have to work to make up that much. It was all very real, very tactile, very emotional. I guess I really want to go back to visit more than I let myself think about.

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