I have soooo much work I should've gotten ahead on this weekend yet I just haven't been able to bring myself to do more than 2.5 hours of work! I HAVE to do it or I will be stressed beyond belief the rest of the week, what is wrong with me?! I am starting to have trouble breathing again too sporadically which doesn't make me feel very good because this is not the time for anxiety to get me down... I have been doing so well this year.

Last night was a blast, mostly because EVERYONE danced all of the time, and I love watching other people dance :) but remind me to wear sneakers next time

I watched ENOUGH with Jennifer Lopez the other night with the girls and jason and I reallllly liked her haircut... I'm thinking about going drastic over winter break so maybe I can get something like her's done on mine, and maybe a bit of dyeing action tooo? hehe...

Ok I found my motivation, tonight we are going to watch a movie which means I have something to do later tonight which means I can do work now instead of telling myself I can do it later. Really not doing work is just a sign of boredom... I need to be busy or have plans. Ok, ready set go!

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They are always the same... no extended family that we celebrate with so it's pretty much the four of us if my brother is even there which he usually gets upset over something and storms out of the house and my mom is frantically cooking and my dad is being my dad and i am bored. but i still love the anticipation of the holidays, because even if it's the same each year we always think it will be something different.

This year I am looking foward to New Years, because hopefully, it WILL be something different. Not to say that it will turn out as magical as I think it could, but then again, it has possibilities and at least it will be something new and exciting. Oh yea babe, we have to make reservations remember. I need a dress.

Christmas seems to get less exciting every year and i think it is because we have less and less time to stop, think and get excited about it. This year it wasn't until I went home for thanksgiving when I even begun thinking about christmas. Thinking about it, planning it and coming up with gift ideas if my FAVORITE part of the holidays and I hadn't even thought about making a list. Well, I started the shabang with shopping from midnight to 10am friday which was awesome and fun but a let down all the same because I only found mostly stuff for myself which I then gave to my parents to wrap up for me so I can't even wear for another month. I wish I could drive again, I like shopping by myself surprisingly. It is theraputic.

Being by myself and just thinking is something I rarely do anymore. It used to be my long walks, then I moved to PA and that stopped and it was going to the gym by myself in college, then that stopped and now I go with someone else always. I would sometimes sit at my desk and just think, or lay in bed and just think, and now I don't even do that anymore. I am suddenly realizing this and yearning for that feeling. I think that is why over the past few yaers I have become so disconnected and uncertain and not able to express myself... I am not giving myself time or energy to work things out. I can't wait until I get my ipod so I can go running alone... however that also demands that I get over my phobia of being out in public like that by myself and having the motivation to keep going even when I feel awful. I wish campus was bigger sometimes just so I could go for a walk. It is so nice outside I feel like going for one now actually... but it is getting dark and I should really work on my research proposal. Even if it is not like I would want it or that it needs to be, just to be done will be a huge relief.

I really missed my friends, and this break wasn't at all near enough time to fairly spend time with them... sorry everyone :(, winter break hopefully i will make up on lost time, and make up money working with my dad.

I have sudden bursts of anger toward people, maybe they can't tell but I can and it scares me. I also have lacked motivation to do much lately, which also scares me. I need to get my groove back, and just make myself exercise. I know I keep saying it but it's getting really bad now the effects not exercising is having not just on me physically (like how I felt like I was going to die trying to run 5.5 miles today with Becca and Glenn) but mentally. I really don't like the person I am when I dont do it but that person also doesn't feel like going to the gym... vicious cycle indeed.

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So it seems I can never be sure about anything for very long until some sort of metaphysical wind comes blasting on by to keep me from falling head over heels with some idea or some plan, reminding me to not plan, to not care that deeply and to just get a grip on reality. Well fuck it. I'm tired of reality, and I'm tired of feeling like every time I get excited about something, this over riding feeling sneaks in when I am least wanting it and changes my whole perspective of the situation making me want to disown it complete with all the self doubt I had worked so hard on getting rid of before.

I want to smile and not be told I am being foolish, not feel like I need to take a step back... I want to soar and return on my own time, not somebody else's because the world tells me to.

I want to love infinitely, unconditionally, and exuberantly... and not be afraid.

Even when I seem to not care, not want something... it's at that point I most desperately do, I just have no way of expressing it and it's at that point I feel I have lost most hope for achieving it, or getting a grasp on it again.

I want to be excited about something!

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I was going to go take a nap now before my 11am class but that would only give me a half an hour, hardly worth it.

So here I am, still wet from being under water weighed to get a fat percenage far higher than I would like, stomach full, eyes ready to close, and realizing how scary it is to think about the future. it never bothered me to plan and all, but now, now that I have adapted this, take things as they come, it's scary. I have a year left to determine my next course of action, because a year from now I will either be applying for a job or grad school.

I have a year... in a year I could die, a loved one could die, I could become handicap, I could find the perfect job opportunity, I could get ill and not be able to graduate on time, my parents could have to move for some reason and I wouldn't even be living in PA, heck! Keith's mom could want to move back to the Phillippines... I mean who the heck knows right? ANYTHING could happen in the next year.

Change happens like that, fast, unexpected. So even if I want to work because I want to get to that next "get married, live on your own, have your own apartment/house" stage of my life and not go to school right after this... I know I might have to. Sure good things are worth waiting for right? I guess... It's just been a long wait. If I go to grad school right out of undergrad I am looking at 6 years to earn my PhD. Unless I change course of action and don't pursue psychology then I will be able to go for like 4 years instead. 6 years... what on earth can happen in SIX years? I would almost guarentee have to move off the east coast to attend grad school unless i went to NYC, Ohio University or UCONN. Even then it would be such a far drive I wouldn't come home except for christmas.

I want to do adult things... I want to go out like an adult, I want to travel like an adult. I know so many 20s year olds that are approaching 30 and have truely lived like an adult already. I want to plan my own vacations, be able to afford my own vacations, go out to dinner, celebrate holidays in MY place.

Don't get me wrong I think that college is ultimately the perfect combination of the world... independence yet not the nit picky financial worrie, unless I guess you live off campus, but even then, making friends is so easy where as once you live on your own with your job, how many friends do you think you will really have? Ultimately people are going to move away from your home town, and your neighbors may be seniors or people you can't be friends with... who WILL be your friends? I will really miss that part of college, and I don't really want to think about it.

i think finding the perfect career is like trying to find the perfect guy... none exists. There will be a very good match, one that can fulfill most of your needs and wants but you will always have to have a hobbie (or friends) or something outside of your job to engage everything you need. or you might need to change jobs every decade or so to reach all the ppulations you want.

I want to teach, promote health, get sex ed into public schools, bring health education to africa for the AID epidemic, treat children who have abused, treat adults who have developed DID, dance, choreograph, dance therapy, play therapy, child life specialist, teach fitness classes, study nutrition, write a book... the problem is trying to figure out which one to start with.

6 years.... 6 years after I graduate SRU will bring me to be 28. I never was one who was so adament about getting married before a certain age and I certainly know plenty of women who aren't married and they are 30, however... I dunno, I just can't neglect the fact that I want it sooner. Not to say you can't go to school AND be married, I've also knownplenty of people who do that too. I guess it's also to think that you will be dating another 7 years till you get hitched. 7 years... and say the stars have it in the plans for me to be with Keith, that would make it 9 years of dating before we even get married. I know people have done it but seriously, 9 years... that's almost a decade. I think after a while people would get restless. Who wants to commit to 9 years without the ensurance that it's going to result in what they want it to in the end... not many, not to say I wouldn't... i just think it would cause some major cobblestones in the road.

So I'm 20. Still sounds too old really. If i live to be 80, that is a quarter of my life. I must admit I have done tons, and I have gained tons of meaningful and precious experiences, I wouldn't take any of them back- even the bad ones. It truely scares me to think that I won't exist someday, that my mind will be gone and that I will never again be here.... so much that I have to stop thinking about it now.

So yea, as much as I want to grow up, it's not because I want to rush through life. I really want to embrace every moment and i try to keep myself from 'wishing it was friday" because I know I only get this time once. I want to grow up and do grown up things because I want to go out and DO stuff! I am ready for the challenges that living on my own, having a job, going to school at nights, having someone to come home to every day, even raising a family... I really am ready! Sure I want to travel and stuff, so ok, the kids can wait, but still... I've done this whole school all day, living with my parents, planning visits to see keith, not being able to buy my own furniture, paint my own walls, have my own decorations and cookware and spices.. for the past 20 years, I need a change. Wow that sounded pretty ridiculous but that serious is it... I want my own pet too.

making myself go to class even tho i dont want to go... damn, I've never been able to skip ONE freaking class this year!

PSYCH! It is 11:01 and I have officially just skipped my first class ever this semester! I figured I would be late anyways and I hate coming in late.

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They say that injured patients have the risk of getting depression. One of my recently thought up theories is that the cause of this is the fact that they cannot do what they normally do, so their body gets thrown all out of whack and their chemical balances are no longer in homeostasis. Hence... the depression.

Ever since I injured my foot and have not been able to walk much let alone run, jump, workout it has surely changed my mood and not in a good way. I am frusterated, angry, agitated, sad, aggressive, and irritable... just because I can't do what I want to do and even if I didn't do, at least I would've been able to. When I feel crappy about myself it then in turn reflects how I feel about everything else... my grades, my work, my relationships with people, my own image, my abilities. Most of the time I just want to sleep, not even because I am tired but because there is nothing else i feel like doing even when so much could be done. I have no motivation to do work, and my need to be around people just increases greatly because lonliness is even worse when you can't stand being with yourself.

I think out of all mental illnesses I could ever fall into depression is the most likely. Now we can get into the whole theory about why that is the case... has it been learned because so many family members around me have escaped their troubles that way too, or is it genetic and that without enough physical activity since I had it so much when I was little, my body goes out of whack and becomes imbalanced? It's hard... you know you feel better when you exercise but when you don't feel like doing anything you dont want to exercise... however the difference here is that normally I find someone else who makes me go exercise, because I can, but with this recent foot problem I cant even cure myself because there is no way how. I think that, right there, is why injured patients can get depressed. All of us have some ways of self regulating ourselves, our moods, our weight, what have you. However when we are sick or bed ridden or injured we are limited as to what we can do to self regulate ourselves again.

Shivering as I am, I guess I should go find a better sweatshirt to wear out in the wintery cold to get to my next class.

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I have no idea what the title is supposed to mean... but it just came to mind.

So I am very irritated with a lot of things going right now, one being some bosses and some being... no, wait, yea that's it. Ever get the feeling they just don't like you? I have it from my hardest professor, my supervisor, and a fellow co worker who has suddenly isolated himself after trying a secret fling with a resident that none of us were supposed to notice but did. I try to not care that I am not this perfect over achieving whore that everyone always took me granted as being, becaue yes this year, it's not that I am lazy, I still do way more than half the staff here, I just have prioritized my energy and school this year is high, higher than my job. My health is another priority. I did the whole, not taking care of myself last year so I could be the perfect somebody who went crazy after a semester of busting her ass, and I don't want to be that miserably depressed and synical person this year. So far I think I've improved, but now I am getting shit for not working hard enough. I try to convince myself that I don't care about what all these people think about me, but I do and it bugs me until I eventually do something extra to try and convince them otherwise.

This weekend is homecoming.. meaning the po po will be out full force which might damper some festivities. Going to see Poverty Neck HIllbillies concert tonight with Ashley and meeting up with the K's I think then back to Keith's for some cautious fun. I can't WAIT till next weekend when I go to Penn State, honestly I will be soooo mad if something happens and I can't go. I even get to see Tom's band play in a concert Saturday night now too! It'll be nice to get out from Slippery Rock to see my home friends and with two of my good friends here.

Alright, I have to go correct this damn photo thing my supervisor is bitching about, even tho it's not ALL my responsibility... I just have to.

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