If I were ever to be locked up in solitary confinement then I would certainly commit suicide. NO doubt about it, I would find some way I am sure. These past four days at home have been whitling away at my sanity, exponentially increasingly fast. Today was the worst of them all. Mostly because I feel so unaccomplished. All I do is waste time until I can go to bed, which consists of a lot of unnecessary eating, watching Grey's by my lonesome, reading a book that makes me laugh and cry of keith-sickness (get it, instead of homesickness) every page, going online and looking up random shit like online blue print tools to design my dream house I have had layed out in my head since I was 12, and eating again.

I know I should be enjoying this "down time" because I will not always have this luxery to do absolutely squat... however the lack of human contact is driving me insane! When I was at a boring 3 hour orientation this morning at the med center I found it upon myself to smile at every gosh darn person who walked through the main doors because I just found human behavior and liveliness so darn entertaining I almost had to contain myslf from busting out laughing half the time. I also took it upon myself to strike up conversation with just about anyone who had at least one functioning ear.

I'm crabby, I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm bored, I'm just not living life to its fullest, for anyone's sake let alone mine. This is not helping me relax or calm down, actually it is doing quite the opposite. This afternoon I was give quite an annoying anxiety attack.

Thank goodness Keith was around for a bit to talk... gosh I miss him mucho, and then Kate called to see how my orientation went and to give me the scoop on the latest brandon fiasco. Now she is making me pack her suitcase for her because she over packs and I am trying to convincer her that three pairs of shoes is quite sufficient for a 9 day trip, not five pairs. sheesh, girls!

This is where my needing a dog comes into play. I would be able to give it so much attention right now and I just want to go for a nice relaxing walk and I cannot do that without someone else being with me or walking a dog. By myself I feel stupid just meandering around so I have to power walk it. So, I am just not walking... damn, I need a freaking dog.

I'll probably be able to work at Spinner's again, which is good, although the driving kind of sucks but I think at this point that over rides any other options. My wish for a career related slightly more interesting job has not appeared as I had hoped for, so housekeeping it is. I like the physicality of it at least. So even until I get a car if I can get volunteering in around 3pm then I can go to work, go to the gym, shower there and go volunteer just with a bunch of sweaty clothes in a bag, hopefully coordinate my schedule with David A so he goes to lift when I get done so i can lift as well and then he can drive me home if need be. When I do get a car I can do the same thing but leave the clothes in the car and drive myself home. We'll see though, anything could happen and even though it's only been four days of uncertainty, it feels like a month and I hate it! That is what is probably bothering me most next to the no human interaction. Plus, I don't yet have anything to really look foward to because I don't know what I can plan since I don't know my schedule yet. I would like to be as busy as possible in June so that it goes super fast while Keith is in Spain. NYC would be nice and so would the beach, however that will all depend upon people, and work and volunteering.... so I'm not holding my breath.

Anyways, I really want to go walk a dog right now. darnit! I wouldn't even mind picking up the poop at this point. Yup, that's it, I've resigned to a poop scooper wanna be.. as long as it gives me a dog. I think it could be my maternal instincts that I have just been dying to kick me over for the past year especially. Knowing that I should not have babies right now or for the next five years at least, then I go for the next best thing-- a canine. Other pets are too independent, but a dog, they can sense your feelings, take care of you, need your care and training and affection and are great walking companions. Well certain breeds are like English labs, they are also great for therapy or rescueing. I want my dog to be able to do that too. *sighhhhhhhhhhhhh* I reallly want a dog. Can you tell?

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So this morning I felt curiously compelled to just talk a lot... in class of course, about all kinds of things. Well I told dodds steve and joshua how I was going to church this weekend and that they should be proud of me haha. From there we talked about church. I am more comfortable with the belief that you can be spiritual without the church aspect, that the more people I talk to don't need that ritual or systematic information presented in such a militant fashion, that they call their religiousness a personal connection, just knowing that there is a higher power, and that Lent or church or sermones are not a necessity, because that really is what irritates me about the whole religion thing. Well, no, there are more things that I disagree with, and those things can be avoided by simply NOT going to church. As Josh put it, the church has shown itself to be currupt in many ways. For him he found out that his minister was having an affair. My parents stopped going when the minister started preaching about things that were fundamentally backwards and that the donation money was going to pay for the court cases of priests who molested kids. Humans therefor are currupt and so who is a priest or minister or whole system then to be untainted and provide an ideal example? So, skip the middle man and just deal with Him yourself. I think I could almost approach it like that.

On the other hand, I don't yet believe in Heaven even though I would love to. I also don't think that God created the world, or humans to be ideal. I believe in science. I believe in kharma to the extent that what we experience is what we perceieve. Our attitude is our sense of free will. THe power of humans and the trust in that higher being may be in understanding that if perceived the way He would want you to, then you will be happy, no matter what, that your loss may end up for someone else's greater good at the time.

However, The five people you meet in heaven is an awesome book and ideally that IS what I would want out of God and heaven, but yet, it's too perfect. If the point of living is to learn, then why get all the answers at the end of the test? I think that would be too easy.

My mom always told me that when I was ready and when I needed to I would figure out what I believed in. I guess maybe because even though death as a kid scared me enough, being 21 now, mortality is that much more of a reality and somewhere in my psyche I need to console it. Interestingly, on Grey's one doctor was saying how she believes in science, and the other said, that in instances like the one they were in where they felt completely hopelss, is why he has to believe in something higher... whether that is a mind body connection, or reincarnation or religion. Because if not we would drive ourselves crazy. I think maybe that's how I am... and maybe I'm trying to figure out what i CAN believe in so that I don't drive myself crazy anymore.

Ok well shopping time... continue this later

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So I realized last night that birthdays generally suck as we get older... there's no more cards and decorating of lockers, or cakes (man I miss the cake), or presents or parties or goodie bags and balloons. People kind of forget birthdays for what they used to be. Well, although I was pretty set on just throwing in the bucket last night in regards to trying to be excited about turning 21, things changed... cuz I DO have great friends :)

I went to sleep around 11:45 and at 12am sharp 3/28 I get woken up by knocking followed by pounding. I had a suspicion that Ashley and Lauren would come down to say happy birthday but when I opened the door it was the entire freaking staff!!! They threw homemade confetti at me, had a huge card, and even ice cream sandwiches!! Then later Shari made them sing happy birthday. I kind of felt bad because my residents were probably pissed that I was making such a racket yet we tell them to be quiet haha. So we just hung out in the hallway for a while, they were afraid that they would knock and interrupt some concecration between Keith and myself and I just laughed at that. He (babe) didn;t even call me at 12am hehe. But anyways, we ended up talking about all kinds of things like poop cuz someone said that their stomach hurt and Frank goes, "do you have to poop?" just like that! It was such a great moment to have everyone actually in one place, and for ME! I felt so loved. So then I went to sleep, woke up to like 35 facebook wall posts and even was surprised with flowers from Keith when we finally met up to campaign more for SGA.

The results will be announced tomorrow at 12:30pm and I am still really nervous for our party. But either way, if we win or lose those who are 21 are going to Ginger Hill in town to celebrate or cry haha. Now that I am 21 I can go haha. Keith and I are going to dinner at the Brewery at my request tonight after I get off work which i where I am right now... pretty hungry cuz I didn't have time to eat much today. Although the body builders would've loved to eat anything at all.

I kind of want to do the whole body building thing next year if I had enough discipline and time to spend at the gym over the summer and during the year. I don't know as though I would tolerate the whole weight loss thing very well but I think it would be cool to try... however seeing how some of the people look right now (like death) I would make sure that those close to me would tell me if I started to look like that and knowing how important certain things are like carbs to be able to concentrate in school I would make some exceptions and just do it as best as I could still keeping it safe. It's crazy when you don't know the insides of body building. The dieting they do for three months before hand, how it tapers eventually down to nothing but egg whites and chicken breast, the extreme exercising and aerobics, the tanning, the over hydration then severe dehydration, the inability to read or concentrate on any school work... yea that last two points don't appeal to me but still... I think it would be interesting. In the long run the things they do are horrible for the body so those that do it more than one year are doing a lot on their liver and stuff. I guess that is why many people haven't tried competing two years in a row I don't think. Lauren and I are going to go to the show on Saturday. What people also don't realize is how the people when not dehydrated so much they don't even pee and aren't tanned and oiled up don;t actually look like that. They look relatively normal. Muscle mass is all water based for body building too, not actual protein which is also why it's lost relatively quickly after you stop training. Anyways, 19 more minutes till dinner haha.

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SO I havent done shit all weekend... I havent worked out since Wednesday and even then I only did step class I didnt even do my regular workout too... I just slept, ate, slept, ate, layed around all freaking week and it's starting to et to me but I also have no motivation right now to get to the gym or go for the night run that the girls left on. I was going to go but then plans got messed up and here I am, it's so dark outside i don't want to go anymore. I also didn't even get any school work done. I figured out some grad school stuff at least it terms of which programs I like but that's it. What I did get out of this weekend however was some quality time with Keith... which all in all makes it harder to think about this summer and next year. We went out for breakfast Saturday morning which was really nice. I could get used to that.

Life seems to always be about waiting, yet i know that while we;re waiting other things happen and we miss those glorious opportunities. But I just would like to be able to stop waiting so I can finally enjoy the moment and not want time to go faster as to cut down on the waiting, and be afraid of losing time.

However, there's this summer and Spain to get through, next year with me at school and Keith finding a job somewhere to get through, then me settling on grad school and Keith's job, and then two to 5 years of grad school somewhere... I mean seriously, 6 more years before I can start my life the way I want it? Sounds ridiculous right? Sounds intolerable... but I guess that's the way things are, and all we can do is just wait and see how it all pans out. See what is meant to be. I just hate waiting.

So the whole non exercise funk hasn't hit me until right now... now I feel it and I don't even know what to do about it. I should go to the gym by myself but I don't feel like it, but I should. Shit.

Then my 21st birthday is coming up and I don't even want to go out or anything.. Tom is coming in from Penn state which is awesome but I;m starting to think that it'll just be like a small thing now instead of this huge extravaganza cuz everyone will be out of town, so it'll be a small thing, just a few of us, at a bar... which i guess could be nice too. yea. it could be nice.

Tomorrow will be a fresh start. I'll be healthy and I can have a great week! Campaigning, getting people to vote, finding out the results of the election... maybe going to the brewery for dinner on wednesday. Yes, tomorrow will be better.

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To quote Good Will Hunting, "Don't do that and won't it suck when you wake up ten years from now and realize you just spent 100,000 dollars on an education you could've gotten for 40 cents in late charges at the public library"

There are two certainties no matter what anyone else's opinion:
1. I will give this relationship a third chance to prove itself
2. I need time. Things are not going to just go back to normal. They can't. It wouldnt be right if I just let things go back to normal. This is for you to think really hard about how you feel and think about what you will do the next time you don't feel that and if you still want in, if I am really what you want. Don't say, "of course you are or why else would I be in fucking slippery rock?"... don't insult me and say that, actually think about it. Think long and hard and when you're ready look me in the eyes and promise you will never lie to me again or look me in the eyes and say, I can't.

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Here I am needing to write a two page paper and I have one paragraph complete...

I can't concentrate

Not that that is anything new...

But I also dont want to be around people. Ashley and Lauren will be back late tonight which is good because I really don't want to talk to them, or any girl for that matter. Weird as it is but the only people I called were my male friends. I did this because I knew they wouldn't tell me what I didn't want to hear, but rather tell me what I wanted to hear because that would be safe. Girls offer advise and make judgements hastily. I didn't want to hear them.

Really I didnt call anyone because I wanted answers or to hear their take on the situation. I made sure that they didn't give me advise because I wanted to be sure that everything I felt was what I had come up with, not someone else. But I just wanted to stop feeling so alone, to hear someone respond on the other end, to hear myself say it over and over again, to hear it outloud, to see how it felt in my mouth, to see how I felt saying it, and to know that someone heard me. Just to feel that someone else was out there who knew what I felt and who could say, yes this is real. To be reminded that I am human and alive and feeling. I meant it when I said that they still helped even though all they did was answer the phone. That was all I needed... someone to answer their phone and listen. For those who didn't I got the message and appreciate it, I understand.

We all fool ourselves into thinking that we are exceptions to the rule of human nature. That we have captured some ability to go against all tendencies. Very rarely is this the case, because it's harder. But we can. We can be that exception and it is those exceptions that I would hold my faith... my trust. Humans are effecient and they take short cuts in their thinking. Humans also have a bad memory of past events and even though two people were there each remembers it differently. Maybe you meant to say something but it came out the other way and what the person heard was something different, or maybe what you did say wasn't what you wanted to say but you said it anyways. Or maybe kissing isn't a big thing to one person but it is to another, or cuddling doesn't even qualify for need of mentioning in the events that happened because fuck it, it's just cuddling. Maybe old habits never die.

When do we admit to ourselves that perhaps we don't even know ourselves. When does it stop being an illusion and start being reality? Or can we never tell and that is the trick to mastering life... to figure out which is which, and when you can't just ride with it...

I just want to be alone.

And here's the difference...
The difference is that you should’ve said no from the start. You should’ve had the decency to break things off with me first. and where is your conscience. it scares me that you could do such a good job hiding this and not feeling guilty for 6 months, let alone 6 amazing months.

How many times are you going to have to cheat on me when things get rough and you're questioning yourself before you figure out I'm the one, because honestly, you said the exact same damn thing after you broke up with Desi, that you knew, well something like that shouldnt' change after taking a break. As I've said before, if there was a doubt you should've told me like you promised... those were the only stipulations to letting you back in. How can I trust that you will tell me the next time you dont feel the same way? You promised me last time, and you broke that. Two strikes. Am I supposed to wait around for two more years to get hurt for the third time.

You are proud of yourself for not having started a relationship on the side with this chic and that that for you is a big step of improvement. It does not cancel out the fact that what still happened was also wrong.

You must be willing to say no, no matter how questionable you feel about a relationship because you are still committed to it. So when things are shitty and rough and insecure, saying that that is how you felt about “us” is not a good enough excuse to cheat. That is what a relationship is bonded by… that ability to stay loyal no matter how horrible it is, because if you can only stay loyal when things are good then there is no lasting to that relationship. That is not fair.

It is not fair that I said no when I could’ve say yes. It’s not fair that even when I was frusterated and feeling hurt I still stayed loyal because we weren’t broken up. It’s not fair that even though I was the one to break things off because it was my last chance to get things right that I was more committed to making us work than you were. You gave up.

It was you giving up “we’re hanging by a thread” that made me break up with you in the first place, it pissed me off that you had that little faith in yourself and in us to make things work. You made it happen because you doubted it so much. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. And even after the fact, you still couldn’t stick up for your feelings about me. It was too tempting to deal with the now and present, and that saying Yes to a relationship just because you feel a certain uncertainty about that relationship should suddenly excuse you from acting loyally.

There are always going to be times when you don’t like the relationship, when you don’t even like me, when you don’t know how you feel. But as long as you have not asked for a break and are said to be with me then you have no right to explore those feelings with someone else. I don’t kiss and cuddle or hold hands with someone who I thought at the time I had a connection with because it was different and seemingly easier because they liked the things I liked every time I wasn’t sure of how I felt about the relationship and the opportunity came across me. That is called commitment. That is called loyalty. That is called unconditional.

I honestly don’t care how in question you were about your feelings for me, you made a promise and you broke it. If you said I meant that much that you would hang on to any thread of hope to be with me then why did you need someone else to validate those feelings for you? Why if a THREAD of hope to be with me was all you needed to jump back in did you suddenly find yourself contemplating being with someone else a few days later? If you wanted to be with me as much as you thought you did to say yes in the first place then you must’ve fooled yourself. You overestimated how much the idea of me would make you happy, would mean to you. That sort of feeling doesn’t wane in the presence of someone new. I think more it was for security. You wanted your spot back but really hadn’t even thought about if you wanted a spot with someone else. You shouldn’t have to try on someone else for size before you can figure that out. Why would you have to be with someone else for one fucking night to figure out how you felt about me>

When I said we needed to take a break that was my “kiss and cuddle” with someone else. But the point is, I didn’t actually do it with someone else. I did it without someone else, by just taking away you, not adding someone. You shouldn’t measure your feelings about someone in comparison to another. Just because someone scores a 60 and the other person scores a 30 doesn’t mean you should actually be with the 60. What if 60 isn’t good enough? What if that is not what you need? Just wait for the 100. Everyone should have their own scale and it should just be between you and them. That is what I did and that is all I expected of you to do and you promised you would. I didn’t ask you to tell me if you felt less of me in comparison to someone else, I asked if you felt less of me in comparison to 100 percent me.

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