Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

Comment! (3) | Recommend!

My head is pounding in a way I dont remember it ever doing before... my eyes hurt, my heart hurts, my head hurts, my legs and knees and whole being hurts. These are the days I escaped from, why am I back here again? Why is there a coffee mug that I bought someone stil sitting on my desk, why is the card I wrote amanda still not sent out, why have I not done any homework or office hours all week, why did I not want to get out of bed or even take upon the world this morning...? Perhaps it is the weather, probably the fact that I haven't been to the gym, maybe the pill, mostly... the person I have become. The selfish, unfocused, unmotivated person. I want to go home... even tho part of my home is right down the street in 109 Founders Hall, but I need the home where I can do nothing, and drive, and not worry... but I know that that home has changed too and my mom is working and my dad isn't, and my brother is sleeping in my bed and I will end up on the couch. I hate that my insides literally burn and feel like an electric current is going thru every inch of me until my eyes leak tears in buckets silently... then uncontrolably because that is the only way I can express myself anymore. Why? God my head hurts... I hate taking meds but lately I have been too weak to not do it anymore either. I have absolutely no tolerence for anything not comfortable.. when the hell did that happen?! I do one squat and I can't walk for a week, wtf. I am so out of shape, I am so mentally gone, and all I do is complain... and now the complaining has just shifted to walking around so evidently distraut that I guess everyone can tell cuz they all ask me what is wrong. hmph. I never knew my face was so descriptive, too bad it can't convey some of the things I can't put into words... I finally had a good time with Katie and Kate tonight from before dinner to right after dinner.. many laughs and it felt like old times. Now it's over for the most part. I shouldve gone to the gym when I could've but my damn head... not like i used to use that as an excuse before, it probably would've done me good. It is 9:42 and Keith hasn't called but we had a heart to heart last night... and he said he was going to go to the gaming night tonight after work, so I know if I call he either won't pick up cuz it's on silent, wont' hear it, or will be perturbed I am calling... and if he doesnt' pick up when I call I will be worried he is stranded on the side of the road of mugged by some dude who wants books cuz he is closing by himself tonight. So, I won't call. damn there he is... freakin called. *sigh* I dunno what else to do about this headache, I really want to go workout... my whole body aches. I need a hottub, haha. Katie and I got to talking about careers and the fact that she might change her major, but shhh and how life should work out that we just end up where we belong for various reasons and to just have a general direction as to where we want to go. I need to majorly organize all my materials for all my clubs/jobs etc this weekend. Hopefully I can get caught up. Now I am just blabbing, gotta get back to reading. It never ends hehe. Goodnight

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

A lot has happened... and although it may seem like I have been the most pessimistic person lately, it's just cuz things have built up, and it's getting to me. So there is my brother who is moving in with my parents again cuz he can't work his bills to live on his own, there is his birth family that contacted him and I am trying to think of how I would deal with that. There is our dog Jake having bone cancer and having to be put down and being afraid of not having him bombard me when I go home for Thanksgiving break. There is school work itself that I am having trouble keeping track of as well as Americorps is throwing us full blown into projects and not knowing who to contact, what paper work to do, and sooo much of it at the same time! There is also Health Education programs I have to refresh myself on and do office hours there, but I have no time. There is missing my parents and last night I called them around 10:15 and cried for about an hour. There is knowing that at home there is no reason for me to go back except for my parents, and thinking I might stay here for the summer. There is my surgery, and my mom's change of jobs, and medical insurance that will cost 400 a month in order for me to get my surgery if they approve it, and my dad's unemployment limbo. There is the knowing that I won't be outta here in 3 years anymore. There is the trying to keep everything straight and in the process losing track of the things that should matter most. While I am off stressing out about other things I am losing sight of how I am behaving, feeling and acting. I am treating everyone around here like shit, not wanting or having time to spend with anyone. Keith and I are finally facing the challenges that "all couples" face but I naively thought we would somehow surpass because we have gone thru so much already. I'd hate to think that I am at the end of my rope, it's just a lot to take on right now. Right now there is a class I have to stay awake in and two meetings to go to when I all I want to do is cry some more and go to sleep...

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

What you'll find in Hershey...

My mom is a good cook
My dad is sarcastic but friendly
My brother is witty but anti social
I get cranky when I haven't had enough sleep
Hershey Park is bigger than 6 Flags America
Employers do and will resell the "not for resale" employee passes
Free anything always tastes better
Sprinklers are fun
Milkmen are older than I orgionally imagined
Some kids just don't like to dance infront of a crowd
The monorail is more popular than u would think
The Chocolate World Tour ride line moves relatively fast, so does the floor
Be prepared to get freaked out at the 3D show
Holding hands is the best way to navigate around a crowded area
It takes 3 turns from my house to Hershey Park
There is a Chinese Buffet next to Sheetz... with $2.25 gas
The picnic game is hard as shit when playing with a group of vocabulary savvy players
Everyone snores, nose whistles or talks in their sleep... and with 8 ppl in one bedroom, that is a lot of noise.
Loaded Questions is impossible to guess everyone right when u have 9 ppl playing
Pizza and pasta is liked by everyone... and Quist is either better than or worse than Sprite
There is a lot of corn grown in Hershey
If u park at one end of the parking lot, taking the tram will take longer than walking...supposedly.

... it's time to take a nap... will finish later.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

Maybe it did work... cuz for the past few days I haven't been consumed by it anymore, maybe that hardest step was the last one. *crosses fingers*

My mom is making whoopie pies for the Maryland gang who are all coming down here tomorrow... 7 of them, it's gonna be... adventurous :) Then I am gonna bring her to the barn, hopefully go to the gym myself (god I am gaining so much weight, I can't wait to go back to school), come back, shower, pick mom up, water the plants (if it doens't rain, pleeeeeease rain) and later this evening go grocery shopping for the weekend. Then, I MUST clean my bedroom and bathroom tonight. I work for the next 9 days straight so I can take off three days the week after next to go down to Maryland one last time. I desperately need the money too. Talking about work, Melissa, Kim, Andy and I did TWENTY SEVEN rooms today in less than 3 hours! That has to be some kind of record. Most of them were cleans too, or freshes with sheet changes. *sigh*

So my brother... yea... I guess something happened bw him and a girl.... and I don't know how I feel about it... cuz on one hand I could understand her perspective, but by the sounds of it IT does sound like she's pulling a fast one cuz she regrets it. I am just not going to make any judgement on it at all, too personal. I do disagree with my mom on one thing tho... she said that the reason to not have premaratial sex is cuz u need to tell the difference bw love and lust, but I think ppl should be able to tell that BEFORE u get married, and there is a big difference bw going to visit some chic down in VA one day taht u had an online relationship with and getting carried away, and being in a long distance relationship where u have discussed feelings, views, sides, etc of the topic... and it was a decided act, not an impulsive one. I told her this... maybe she can sleep on it.

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

I used to think that I could be perfect.. not physically, but in my life. I thought that as long as u try your hardest you can do no wrong to yourself first and foremost, if not also to others. I thought that I would never make the same "mistakes" that "other" people make, that when the circumstance came along, I of all peoeple, would be prepared, know the warning signs, know how to handle the situation, know when to get out... I thought I was better. I was WRONG.

The more confidence I gain, the more less like myself I become. The more reliable I become on others, and therefor, the more inclined I am to get into to trouble. They say that your conscious is when your idea of who you are is conflicted with something that you did, and it is your ego and superego battling it out, trying to make your self again be at peace.

There are very fwe things in my life that I regret... I always take mistakes as experiences that I had to go through to get to another point in my life, and fortunately all of those mistakes previously, never affected anyone else but myself... then come in the mistakes that harm others and more often than not they harm the ones closest to you. They make the dissappointment you had in yourself multiplied by a trillion because you know that those ppl in ur life most preciosu are also dissappointed or hurt. Then the battle is not about you anymore, or what you went thru, or what happened to you, and once you do allow the battle to turn back to being about you versus who else it has affected, you find urself resolving things, but no one else can understand it, so the resolution that they see is a distorted image, and the understanding is even less.

Trying to explain to someone how and why you feel a certain way most of the time.. seems to backfire. At least in the beginning it does. Instead of enlightening them on why you keep hacking at this one issue that you can;t seem to let go of, you either confuse them, mis lead them or both.... resulting in one of those situations where you think, "I should've just kept my mouth shut like I wanted to". So which is better? Trying to enlighten and failing, or ... I guess there is no 'or' if it is with someone u love, but I wish there was. I wish there was a way to connect thoughts and minds without using words, without having words themselves get in the way of what you are really trying to SAY. Words are often superfulous....

We all make mistakes... we all have accidents... we all are given another shot at being good and trying again at life. The hard part is finding people who will still be there despite what you put them through and what you yourself are going through. The hardest part is not forgiving the dude that screwed up your head, but forgiving yourself... and I am still working on that. I tried to justify my self by forgiving him, by taking away his power, but since that doesn't seem to be working, maybe the way out is to forgive myself for ever putting my family, friends and significant other through this... it might take me a while, but I guess that is my last shot.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!