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The Invitation- Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
What you need to know
Name: Meggyo
Status: in a relationship
Occupation: student at Slippery Rock Unviersity
Majors: exercise science and enlgish lit
Location: Hershey PA for now
Who I am: a ridiculous short girl who is trying to live the most now while looking so eagerly foward to the rest of her life
Where I wish I was: in his arms
Current question: should I stop wishing for things to go back to how they used to be?
Song of the day: ps. if this is austin by Brad Paisley
The Dance- OMD
I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don’t jump up and shout, “Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!”
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiraling down into the ache within the ache,
and I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, every day.

Don’t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
and see who I am in the stories I live.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly okay with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving
those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance,
the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul’s desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs
you want our children’s children to remember.
And I will show you how I struggle not to change the world,
but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging.
Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words,
holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind,
dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale
of the breath that is breathing us all into being,
not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don’t say, “Yes!”
Just take my hand and dance with me.
life is amazing
Monday. 9.25.06 5:52 pm
Well I am sitting here glowing as Keith would probably put it. Not because I did another 5 mile run *woohoo* but because the weather is gorgeous, I am not in dear fear formy life or those I care about or know from this hoax of a gun shooting threat on campus, and because well.. because I am fortunate. I am fortunate to have had the opportunity to meet so many amazing individuals, who together have created me and my world that I see now. Life truely is amazing to me. The experiences we encounter whether good or bad all culminate in the end into something amazing if we look at it the right way. No matter how shitty moving away from MA was, having to re introduce myself into a new white cracker town Hershey and leaving my one passion in life, dance, was in the end... the best thing that could've happened to me. It changed me for the better, the worse, back to better and still in limbo. I feel like I am growing into someone I am proud to be, if only for the fact that at this exact moment I am very happy. I can't say that I am happy all the time, and I remember days, weeks, months, and maybe even a year when I wasn't happy... but right now, in this moment as I type these words, I am happy. I am proud to be happy because that means that I have allowed people into my life who make me happy, and that I have achieved the outlook that one can have in order to realize reasons for happiness.

I finally have my energy back that I have been missing for whatever physical or mental issues that were keeping me back from having any ounce of it this whole school year. It took pushing myself for 5 miles to get there, to clear my body of a sore throat and to lift my energy levels enough so that I could've worked out today for 2 hours if only my muscles weren't cramping up. I am happy because for the first time in maybe longer than I'd like to admit to myself, I have been able to stop what I am doing, stop worrying, stop keeping myself busy and dissociated, and really think about Keith and say, "wow". Wow that he has come this far for me. Wow that we are where we are today. Wow that we understand each other better than ever before. Wow that I could not imagine going through life without him. Wow that I am happy to be in the moment. Wow that things have gathered to be what they are right now. Wow that I am so fortunate.

Wow...

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morning
Monday. 9.18.06 8:42 am
i look like shit this morning... and that's about all the time I have to say something, gotta get to class!

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today... was one hard day
Monday. 9.11.06 5:41 pm
So, in short because I don't feel like repeating this anymore but I just need to get it out one more time.
A resident of mine, freshman, last week had to go home for a funeral of her 19 year old cousin who was killed in a car accident. She returned to school yesturday, woke up this morning to find her parents had come to visit her and take her back home because her 15 year old brother commited suicide between last night and this morning with a gun. Apparently she was screaming, throwing up and undescribably torn, feeling both sadness and anger toward his decision and actions... how he was selfish because he left her behind to deal with all the pain, all things that she is going to have to work through in order to grieve this kind of death. My boss chose to call my room phone and leave me a message that I did not get to hear until I returned causually to my room at 2:30pm, 4.5 hours after this occured. I think she should've called my cell phone so that I could've been there for my resident, her roommate and friend who all knew her brother. Oh did I mention that it was her birthday today? Needless to say she went home, and I don't expect her to come back anytime soon. I cried. I did. It brought back too many painful memories of my brother's attempts, and it brought right to my face to reality of death which in itself is my biggest fear. My mom told me today when I called her that I shouldn't be thinking of death because I still have my whole life ahead of me and no one near me will die yet... and that is the exact reason I think I do think of it... because you never know and that assumption is the reason why people never do the things they really should do and the reason why the losss is so god awfully hard. You never know.

I went to the gym twice today, the second time I could feel myself sweating but wasn't hot at all... kinda a cool feeling however I think it probably wasn't a good thing. I just cannot imagine what she is going through right now, and being who I am, I wish I had been there to help. I am going to send her and her family flowers once I get her address... even if Jen thinks it's inappropriate. You only lose a family member once, they deserve sympathy from me. God I feel awful.

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If you'll take me...
Wednesday. 8.2.06 8:37 pm
Have you ever had to taken a turn while you’re driving just to make sure it wasn’t the road you wanted? That’s how I felt. I hadn’t broken things off with you, and yet things still weren’t how I wanted them to be, so since staying didn’t seem to be working, I had to take that turn to see if taking a break WAS the correct direction… and I realized that it wasn’t. I realized what I want and that is to be with you. I realized that being with you through the ups and downs totally outweighs not being with you at all. I had to figure that out for myself, and I am sorry that I was misleading and that I couldn’t stick to one plan. I wanted to hold true to my word. So after I said we would work things out I felt like I had lied, like I had changed the plan on you after I said I wanted a break first. So then I went back to the original plan, and then realized that wasn’t the right way to go either. So now, if you will take me, with mistakes and bad turns and all then I want you. I don’t know what is the best way to go about this… we are about to jump into a relationship that needs development and a lot of effort put into understanding one another. We are also about to jump into a time when things will be changing very fast, and what we learn now won’t help much in three weeks when we go back to campus which won’t help us in two weeks after that when classes start and we’re thrown into work, school and new friends. We’re going to have to adjust a lot during that time and make sure that both our needs are met. One option could be that we do that, we work through almost every possible situation we could be in: long distance, school with not much going on and school with everything going on, and see if even at our fragile state we can make it through without losing hope… or the other option would be to lay low for two months, until we have our routines set up, we know what our lives will hold for us besides our relationship and pick up again then. It is up to you, I owe that to you. Whatever you choose I promise to be honest, letting you know how I feel about things and not wait until one moment to burst. I promise to work as hard as I can to remember to appreciate your way of loving me, and not some idea of how I should be loved. In return I want you to be honest with me, open your heart as much as you did this morning and let me in. That is the Keith I love.

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to come
Monday. 7.31.06 2:16 am
You only will know a mistake once you make one... and you only know if something was right when you see the effect. The problem is, when will you have the strength to take that chance to find out? Someone can be perfect... and not perfect for you. Someone can be perfect for you except for one thing, and that one thing can be too important to be over ridden by all the good.

Everything will work out in the end as it is supposed to... I trust that.

There are three things: timing, location and availability that determine what happens in life. Any of them can change at any moment based upon the given situation, and all of them are plyable.

... I see rocking chairs.

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a look
Wednesday. 7.19.06 3:47 pm
Some say you can only fall in love once... real love, true love, whole hearted love... but what about falling in love with the same person twice? What about finding what you first fell in love, again? Really, this isn't about falling in love again, but more, reassuring that the love can still be seen. With one look I knew, and with one look a thousand thoughts came streaming in. With one look, I was scared, enraptured, surprised and amazed.

The day after one's birthday many people ask, "So how does it feel to be such and such an age?" Or, "Ah yes, you look so much older now". Really, they are all such full of shit because a day does not age someone, but a year can. What you have to do to see the change however, is to see the changes that have occured throughout a whole year. Remember how they looked the last birthday, and really look at them this birthday. It wasn't until that look that I saw a change, a real, grown up, this is it moment, change. You seemed so devoted into the moment, like you were ready to make your move into adulthood, like you really could say something without speaking a word to me... with just one look. I think I will remember that moment in time for the rest of my life. As if you were telling me a hundred things at once, about the past year, about our relationship, about our future, about me, about you, about everything... and then the moment passed once I blinked. It was such a distinct look that I literally was caught off guard, and had I not been I am sure the moment would've lasted longer, because I wouldnt' have been scared enough to blink it away. It's impossible to reciprocate such a look even when you want to. I think it just kind of happens... just like those moments that make you fall in love again just happen. You can't stop them or create them, they just are.

It is that look that I will remember when things get rough, when I start to lose myself or question where I am going. Because, in that look was all the confidence that we could ever need for the both of us to make it through... it was an I Love You that extended beyond the capacity of both our hearts, and just filled the room.

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