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The Invitation- Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
What you need to know
Name: Meggyo
Status: in a relationship
Occupation: student at Slippery Rock Unviersity
Majors: exercise science and enlgish lit
Location: Hershey PA for now
Who I am: a ridiculous short girl who is trying to live the most now while looking so eagerly foward to the rest of her life
Where I wish I was: in his arms
Current question: should I stop wishing for things to go back to how they used to be?
Song of the day: ps. if this is austin by Brad Paisley
The Dance- OMD
I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don’t jump up and shout, “Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!”
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiraling down into the ache within the ache,
and I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, every day.

Don’t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
and see who I am in the stories I live.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly okay with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving
those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance,
the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul’s desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs
you want our children’s children to remember.
And I will show you how I struggle not to change the world,
but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging.
Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words,
holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind,
dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale
of the breath that is breathing us all into being,
not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don’t say, “Yes!”
Just take my hand and dance with me.
yA KNOW
Sunday. 6.4.06 1:50 pm
I think I may be slightly lactose intolerant....

In all seriousness, and a jump off of Keith's blog, prayer I think has gotten me through a lot in life, more than I or anyone else would have ever thought from any impression they have of me and my thoughts on the subject. I am no church go-er and even though I studied with two Morman missionaries during last summer to support a friend, I came to a point where I could possibly acknowledge some higher power but never could believe or succumb my life to living FOR them, and this is precisely what has kept me from going to church. I could never live for the sole purpose of bettering an afterlife that no one realyl knows exists... I could never live me life down here on earth, in my own consciousness just to follow some rules that some people at some time decided to include in the Bible, because they were issues during their time that people morally had trouble with... I feel that my life should be guided by my morals that I can come up with all on my own without reading yet another book. (although I do love reading). No, with all this seemingly anti-religion baggage, I do pray... actually I haven't prayed in a while but I feel like maybe would be the time to, maybe be the time I need to again, just once.... just for the same people I have always prayed for.

Growing up in any family is never easy and everyone faces different obstacles that they feel are THE worst. For my family, that has been money, luck and energy. I guess I got it from my mom's beliefs, but I do believe in Kharma and often wonder, what had I done, or my parents or brother done in their life to deserve the shit my family has had to deal with all my life, before and will continue to probably till the end. Living in my family I have learned a few very valuable lessons. One being, if there is a hard road and an easy road, pick the hard road because if you pick the easy road, you will pay dearly for it later. Another lesson was, when picking your battles with your children, choose wisely because you must win. The third is the lesson I began to practice myself at the age of 5 when I first understood the concept of money and buying things and that is, to cut corners wherever possible. The flip side of the coin however, as I have grown older and come to realize, is that you can take any of these to extremes and in severrly bad times, my mom has a tendency... ok no habit, of taking things to extremes. For example, in order to cut corners she will not turn on the heat during the winter higher than 60 and in the summer refuses to turn on the AC lower than 87. Now my mother does not like neither the cold nor the heat to much extent, yet she always demands that she likes the house temperature as it is... what I see now, is that she doesn't like the temperature or the comfort of the house, she just likes the peace of mind that she might be saving some money in order to pay the bills so that we actually continue to HAVE a house.

My father and mother always butt heads when it comes to where to cut funds in order to keep the order of the family running. There are priorities you see, and for both my parents, my brother and myself, the priorities are somewhat debatable. For my mom bills need to be paid, at whatever expense it is to one's health, comfort or ability to function properly because of lack of anything but yogart and oatmeal to eat. (needless to say I have depended on yogart for my sustenence since i came home this summer and have developed a tolerance for eating instant oatmeal without gagging). My father's priorities are that of one's sanity, such as my mom's horse, China which is my mother's pride and joy, something of her own and something that she can escape to when things get rough. My father often puts aside his own happiness to provide the happiness to his children such as giving up his time to spend with us so we can spend it with our friends. My brother's priorities are as follows: computer, good food and movies. Simple, he is one of the most immaterialistic people I know, and Keith would probably follow a close second. Whenever he has moved from apartment to house to apartment in his struggle to live on his own he always leaves behind most if not all of his belongings. There are two possible reasons for this. One being that he is so ashamed of the mess he has made and is too afraid to go back and face the landlord in order to get it all back, or two, he just doesn't care about objects. He much more cares about people, their feelings, and well being. I on the other hand often question what it is that I value most in my list of priorities in regards to my family. I think I fall in the middle between my parents, and maybe that is the natural path for me to follow. I understand my mother's concerns about the money and I too would cut corners as she does, but there is an extreme I would try to avoid. The house can only get so hot before it gets hard to breath and anything but sleeping is impossible. On the other hand, she is being practical, always preparing for the worst because that is how she has had to handle her entire life, and even at that, our family has still been swung many a blows while fully prepared for what we could imagine would be the worse. My dad on the other hand I sympathize with, because it is true that without my dancing I had for so many years, and without my mother's horse, she, like I find myself often now, will be lost without it. It was my choice to give up dancing when we moved to PA however had it ever been ripped away from my earlier like it was threatened to be many a time, I could only imagine the anguish, mental and emotional trauma it would have caused me to suffer, because more than I realized it at the time but fully understand now, I depended on dancing as my form of expression. I dealt with all of the things that went on at home, at school, in my head and in my dreams, through dance. That may have been why I started choreographing so early.

*mom;s kicking me offline*

Sometimes I find myself in such a need to express myself somehow that I don't even realize I've started dancing around the living room to whatever music tends to be on the main radio in our house which is constantly tuned to NPR. Moving my body and having control over what it did, challenging it, and overcoming the challenge was what all my life was about up until junior year in high school. I take pride in all that I was able to accomplish, regardless that I didn't have the body for ballet, modern dance allowed so much more freedom of expression and exploration of the impossible. *sigh* It's just so hard sometimes...

Anyway, back to prayer... there are a few distinct times in my life that I remember praying, simply because I had nothing else I could do that would keep myself from losing all sense of control. Many of these few times were nights when I woudl pray for my brother. I would pray that someone, or something could watch over him and protect him and guide him in a way that none of us here could. I would pray that he would find happiness and value in himself. I would pray for his health and that he would someday understand the depth of our love toward him. I prayed that he would stop making so many mistakes and I even selfishly prayed one night that his pain be taken away in any way possible. My brother has always been so defensive of me and protective, without me even noticing. But I remember a few times when my dad would point it out, like when we were staining our deck and stain dripped in my eye, well NIck about had a hernia. THen there was another time a 2 by 4 plank of wood came crashing down on my back, it didn;t even hurt just scared me and my brother yelled for an hour at my dad for letting it fall. I think one of the first real gifts he ever got me was a hard back copy of the Magician's Nephew the night I had debuted my performance as Aslan in the ballet production The Magicians Newphew, at the age of oh... 15 or so when an 18 year old senior was supposed to do it, but she had family problems so in 6 weeks I learned over almost 2 hours worth of choreography plus taught an understudy my roles I had prior to the switch. It was fitting that he gave me such a gift, because he had always been so fond of reading and writing and was very gifted at it too. He had been a published poet since the age of 14 or something like that. That is perhaps the only good, as good as it was, that came out of his struggle with such severe depression those years.

One thing my mother said to me one day has always stuck in my mind especially in times like these I think of them again.... she said, "All my troubles have revolved around the men in my life" I don't believe that all of her troubles have, but many of the big honkers certainly have. Her father, her husband, and her son, a wonderful triad of problems that as motherly as she is, finds the desire to fix them. Perhaps we do find people to add into our lives because we want to fix them, or perhaps they find us in order to be fixed. I sure have attracted many people over the years who need help, some more than others and I'd like to think that I helped save some of them... even a little. I'm sure I've hurt others, but only for the price to do the right thing, but it still kills me sometime to think what might've been, and then I realize, you can only please so many people, and you better not die trying to please too many. I think that is a way I have become my own over the past three or so years. Instead of living for other's sake, I'm living for my own. I no longer need to save everyone, but just be there for the ride and live by example that this world is still worth giving a shot. I don't need to make everyone happy, and in a way i think sometimes I am selfish, but in others, if I were my parents I would hope I can provide the same sselfless support to my kids someday.

You have to work to make a relationship, one of any kind, to stay alive. The thing with family is though, we expect that we dont have to, that it's a give-in and I too sometimes think of it that way. However, I think that like any other relation you try to form with someone, your family needs effort just as much if not more. My parents know that I love them which is why they let me go out with my friends or go to Maryland whenever I want to or have planned to, even if I haven't seen them all month. I thought for a moment, should this be how it is with a romantic relationship? Should Keith and I just assume we love each other even if we don't talk or call or see each other on a regular basis? Should it be a give-in? It should, shouldn't it? But it isn't and for some reason, with romantic relationships we are always working at it, even if we know in our hearts that this person will be the one you'll spend the rest of your life with. With family there goes the assumption that you can never stop loving your family. I know maybe you shouldn't, but it is very possible that you might. Take my dad for example, he has not spoken to either of his brothers in almost 30 years. Does he love them? I don't know. Does he care about their lives or what they do with themselves and if they are being good people? I think that the difference in what a good person is, made the break between my father and his siblings, but still, the answer is no. He does not. Does that make him a bad family member? No, at least he's being honest. You can't make yourself love anyone just because they are family. I guess we just expect that you make certain exceptions because "that;s all you got, they are your blood". In my case, they aren't and neither are they for my brother, but that doesn't matter. What all you've got is who you let into your life as people you make yourself hang onto. Life is so much more full of choices these days and so unconventional that often traditional ideals are held too closely and just make matters worse. Sure we shouldn't dispense of our family the same as we would a friend, but whose to say that you shouldn't consider the dispense of a boyfriend as if he were family or that you could never cut all ties from family and not care what happens to them ever again in your life as you could an ex-boyfriend? I'm not sure that made sense... Oh well.

Forgiveness is a topic I know I myself over the past few years of my life have had to deal with on a number of levels. Like my mother, the people so far whom I have had to forgive in a conscious level have all been men. While struggling to understand the illness my brother suffered from, and to deal with my own insecurities as a young girl in middle school, I often resented my brother for all the trouble he got my family, my parents and me into. Luckily my parents worked really hard to keep the effects of his mistakes, seperate from what I suffered, however a few times they couldn't. I remember writing in some elementary diary I kept under my bed how I was so mad one night because I heard my parents talking and they told me I couldn't get new clothes for the coming school year, not even a first day of school outfit and we all know howwww important those were!, because my brother had jacked up the phone bill to 2,000 dollars that month trying to melt his sorrows in phone conversations with people across the globe. As I got older though, and grew to understand his problems with a more educated understanding, I forgave him. The next momentous milestone in my life was when I had to choose whether or not to forgive someone for something at the time I didn't understand, didn't see possible and didn't think was forgiveable. I made the first step in forgiveness by letting that person back in, but never truely grasped the whole idea of what I had forgiven until many many months later, maybe even a year, because it was then that I understood some aspects of people, the humane part, that I wasn't aware of before. Again, seems like education regardless that it was in the form of life and not schooling, opened my eyes and allowed me to forgive. Third I still am working with because there are too many un answered questions. I have come to the resolution that if the third person I am to forgive is in fact mentally ill, then I can only hope that my experience brought around some major changes in this person's life to help them get the help they seemingly refused to want. If in fact that this person is just what everyone appears to think he is, then I do not think I can forgive such a person who might go out and hurt others, but I can forgive their inexcusable actions enough to release me from being hurt by them. I think a lot of what forgiveness has to do with is, gaining control back. To forgive someone is the nice way to let what they have done to you pass, so that either you two can move on together in this world, or go your seperate ways. It's like releiving a great weight off your shoulders, which really, has been dragging you down since you took on the burden.

I think often I have almost intermixed forgiveness with prayer, because I myself may not have felt strong enough to even expect forgiveness without looking to a higher power. To me that higher power is more likely to be other people in the world, who I feel might have the influence to change the course of events for those I look out for. I often ask for guidance, that someone will come along in this person's life and guide them to a better way, or that some opportunity might be blessed to someone in order to rid them of their constant suffering. I look to others, even if my head might be tilted above. I look to myself many of the times, and ask of myself to be a better daughter, sister, and friend. I expect of myself to be strong and give unconditionally to those who need it. Now I didn't say those who deserve it or those who meet some expectation I have. I have often given to those who do not deserve it, but because I know them, or think I know them well enough I know that what they give is all they have, which is why I need to give them more. I fail, most of the time actually at being this person that I pray about being, but so do most of us. Even when I try to be nice to everyone I find myself snickering into my sleeve and just shaking my heads at times. I think prayer, instead of looking to something out there to help you, you should instead ask, what can I do to help this situation? How can I make a difference? What do I need to believe in order to make a change. For me, it is strength and understanding. With those comes patience, kindess and perserverance. I get those things accomplished not by simply praying, but by believing that I have those capabilities within me now, and that I have the resources from others around me to help. I know I have patience tucked away in Keith, and strength in the core of my mother, and kindness can always be found in my father. Those are the things I pray for... the other things that most people pray for like winning the lottery or saving someone's life who is ill.... I save that for wishing on shooting stars, because who said that they too aren't sparks of light to guide our way?

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thoughts from a wastebasket
Wednesday. 3.16.06 00:51am
The subject title is the same as a poem my brother wrote when he was 16 and won tons of awards for and was published, if u want u can probably google it. It seems fitting for this next entry.

I realized that unless i ask or unless i force my way into a conversation with krista kate and these two girls kim and krystian who i have been hanging out with i am neither heard nor noticed nor cared about... dodds steve said that he is sorry to hear that cuz he is the only one who is online right now and so am i cuz i shouldve realized it sooner.

Today was not a good day and now here I am, with the room key while Kate and Krista are probably in Kims room drinking or something trying to be tough asses. I just finished reading Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult and there are days I wish I could disappear like she did and not remember what came before. The story had some predictable twists like the mother's boyfriend sexually abusing her and them kowing it from the medical records... I guessed it before they even brought it up.

But the really interesting thing was the memory concept and how it can change how we can make it what we want it to be and we can see what we want to see or what we believe so much is really happening. I have been thinking about my own life a lot lately about my memories, if there are ones I have represed to save myself, of why I hated going to my grandparents house and why I still hate it. Why I cant look my grandfather in the eye and why I get a sick gut feeling around my parents friends Bob. Recently on this trip I have had that sick gut feeling almot every morning. Also, why do I associate the new car smell with death or... well there are a million and one things I could think are squirky and they could or could not have a logical reason to them.

Now I am talking to Dodds Steve about God, probably one of the few times the subject has come up with a friend... once with caitlin Holland and once with Keith, but that is about it. How can I believe in the reincarnation of a soul and not believe in God, steve asks. He said hed be very glad if I went to Campus Crusade with him, which is the second offer I have had in my life. First was Caitlin, she even sent me a Bible two years ago for xmas in hopes that I would read it and find some answers. Matt is also online and I know he has found comfort in God too in past recent years... one of those things that has never left him in hard times. For me what I rely on is my family and my closest friends, which right now is no one but Keith and Amanda I guess would be next but she is not around enough.

I once studied with the Mormans, not really by my choice but Tim was studying with them and wanted moral support one summer, so as a good friend I went. I gained a lot out of it and learned a lot about the religion, but by the time they got to the purpose of life and the afterlife which is better than life on earth and the real living u do, I couldnt believe anymore and never went back. I cant undermine my life and purpose here to help others and influence the world we have created as much as the religious folks want us to. I just cant.

"A Funny thing time."... it is. I wish it would slow down. I wish I could stop growing older, that I woulnt be so afraid to die sooner than I want, that I wasnt going to be 20 years old when I feel like I should only be 17.

What is my favorite color? It has changed throughout my life... when I was little it was purple by far, then changed to blue, then burgundy, now i think tho if i were to look at a color wheel it would be either forrest green like deep emeralds or majesticly royal purple.

What is ur idea guy? dodds steve asks... I think he must be filling out some survey on me or something. haha. I answer him.
Christs Legion: what's your ideal guy?
meggyo86: keith
Christs Legion: what about him makes him ideal?
meggyo86: he loves me more than i love myself, hes been thru the best and worst of my life, i can talk to him about anything, although he doesnt express himself very much hes trying to get better at it, he thinks of others , he doesnt judge ppl, he is my calmer half, hes everything i am not

MMMM TEA. Alcohol doesnt even taste good and the pros definitely in my mind do not outweigh the cons. To drink enough to get drunk means u have to drink stuff that doesnt taste good, and cuz I dont have patience or the bladder to wait for 20 drinks to go down... I would have to drink things that tasted like a hair salon as kate said her daquari tasted like today and like nail polish remover which I thought vodka tasted like... tea is better for me anyway.

This is nice, writing a blog, talking to people about stuff, especially people who I normally wouldnt be like San San from MD, dodds steve, and matt, while drinking cups of tea, listening to people chat in german... all in my americorps fleece and pajama pants. This may have been what I needed.,...quiet me time.

I talked to my cousin who I have never met who goes to Duquesne... random but I was lonely. We talked about traveling and homeless people.

I should probably head on up soon so that kate or krista dont have to wake up to let me into the room... or just stay up till 10am but i doubt I can do that. That three hour nap this afternoon screwed me up tho.

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here in germany
Sunday. 3.12.06 22:32 hours
ive been watching the echo awards on the tv in the hotel room and american music is so huge here. the whole experience has been good so far, although i am feeling kinda sick tonight... maybe the chips and salsa i had for dinner... lots of snow today. we visited the concentration camps of Dachau and so far have taken 50 pictures. Tomorrow early morning we leave for Hartheim )the castle that Disney copied cinderellas castle off of) Austria, Lindz and then Mauthhaussen and Gusen, a slave labour camp and a death camp. Tomorrow night after the castle we get to wander around the center of Lindz so hopefully I can find chocolate and coffee. I have been reading in my spare time too. Just finished packing for our three hour drive in this huge bus that has 53 seats even tho there are only 14 of us. So far it has been a good experience... I realiyed i am kinda a loner tho.. i am not nearly as sociable as kate and krista are with coming up with questions and talking to german people. I just kinda listen. My throat really hurts... and I guess last night i sounded like Darth Vador breathing really heavy and hard. The food here is good for the most part as long as u know what u are getting. Breakfast is my favorite. Pineapple, bacon, bread or pretzels, oranges, kiwi, nutella mmmmm.

The people here are wonderful... they mostly can all speak english and those that dont speak at least two other languages. the other day at thsi ice cream place i had to speak spanish to the waitress. they are very intelligent and kind about giving directions and showing us how to get to places. riding the Ubon is so much fun too! I wish the US had a public transportation system. Also, they go on the honor code, so they dont check tickets for the ubon each time just sporadically but if u get caught without a ticket u get fined 40 euros which is about 55 dollars. things are expensive here too so i havent bought any of the cute clothes or purses we saw. we went into gucci and places like that the other day and i have never felt so profiled.. clerks were trying to spy on us and get us out of there. My right fingers hurt for some reason. I have been writing in my journal each day but it is very scattered (kinda like this entry) because I keep forgettting things.

So far I have talked to Rachelle, Court, Tim, David W, Casey, Matt and my brother online. Not for very long... everything on the internet is in german so it took me a while to figure this stuff out. Bethany and Rachelle will be in Ohio next weekend, I hope they come visit for a while. Did u know that Shakira is 4 foot 11? I have a new idol now. haha. Oh Germany has American Idol but it is called SuperStar.. I think we stole the idea from them tho, but the musi and the judges are pretty much the same. They sing very well and all american songs for the most part. Two of the finalists today were married or something and the guy sang You are so Beautiful and dedicated it to her before he started.

Everything is quite quaint here... but alas like PA many ppl smoke and ppl can drink at the age of 16 so ppl start aorund 13 the clerk Michael said. PS Vodka and Red Bull is highly disgusting. I hate red bull anyway and I dont know they would mix the two most repulsive drinks together. The caffiene cant be good mixed with the depressor alcohol. I got spray on tatoos Friday night and they are still there... I am seriously considering getting a real one someday but i have to be sure I know what i want. I have spent about 120 dollars so far on food and stuff.... gotta cut back for the rest of the trip. I signed up for frequent flier miles in Philly so hopefully between the trip here and back that will earn me half a ticket to cali.

I miss talking to people on the phone like Keith and my parents... I really cant wait to get back. I have also been thinking how I am going to scrapboook it all. I think black paper would be fitting... and a silver metalic pen, I have to get that when I gt back as well as spend about 100 bucks developing all the pictures.

I dont know what else to say, my knuckle is bothering me too much. I wil be gone starting at 7am tomorrow which will be 1am eastern time and not return till tues night around 6pm. I will have plenty of time to miss people during the bus ride... SIGH. I love u.

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time...
Thursday. 2.9.06 8:06 am
So here I am at my office hours "wasting time" however if you think about it, if I am not mentally sound then this might actually be more important than calling a bunch of places, plus I can do that after. Well, I've been working on the whole, not talking about people's situations to people minus my parents (well I was bored so I figured I'd give you a call Pops), and I've been working on the "picking your battles" and I've been working on the "giving you space" and the end result has eqaulled something like "All I want is you but all I can do is push away cuz it hurts less that way somehow, staying busy helps too and I get engrossly involved in some "project" of mine whether that is hw, knitting or whatever, it distracts me long enough to pretend I forget about what happened and move on" There's this constant battle where my old self comes out more often than is probably good for me, but again, it's how I used to solve everything... I just don't talk. Not like I used to be a mute or anything but I never expressed myself through words, just movement or just in silent thought. Growing up I never felt comfortable enough talking, then as I got older, moved to PA... it got easier and easier, until now when I am afraid to talk again cuz when I do, if it is about something that is really bothering me, it just gets turned around into "Meghan you're an idiot and here are all the reasons why, here's why you're being irrational and here's why you have no point to prove or any reason to be upset" Not to say that people can't disagree with me, my parents do it all the time, but to take a feeling and turn it into facts and dates and specific examples demeans that emotions are at all relevant. Sorry I am not like some people who just live their lives too afraid to feel anything so they dont understand why people show what they feel. Maybe it's a girl thing, but I think not. So yea... I dont necessarily like the person I have become in regards to confrontations and such... just makes me overall unhappy cuz things never get resolved, and then there is the old age problem that we've been fighting for ever... something gets brought up, discussed, resolved, works for a week, then one part of the party forgets the discussion and resolution and goes right back to how they were before hand. But of course I can't bring it back up cuz jeeez Meghan let me remind you as to how you have no logic in your argument, you're an idiot! At least that is how it makes me feel.

Last night was rough, but so are many other nights and it's interesting how my friends I don't even see are the ones that know about them more than anyone here does. It's cuz they are around and here they aren't. *~* doodling, silence, screaming/crying into my pillow, mad at myself, me, I, Meghan, pizza n cookies, getting engrossed in one of my "projects" till it was done, running till my lungs gave out which wasn't very long but damn it was fast, dissappointed in me and who I have become, shower, reading with the Bachelor in the background (what a demeaning show), try to sleep, dream, weird, wake up, routine... *~* My parents have this gift of hearing and knowing what is about to come before I know. Inspite of their words of hearing something wrong in my voice I always have this positive outlook like I'll prove them wrong, and then shit hits the fan no later than an hour after I hang up and a day later I realize I should've known.

Well there is nothing like pretending ur happy while talking to strangers than to temporarily lift your mind off of things. I just called a bunch of places for service, however they only need like 2 or 3 volunteers. Oh well that is the Greek people's problem then finding who can go. It is probably better that way anyway. I am looking foward to hearing back from the VA Hospital.

Class soon... gotta go pick up Eric. lata.

My lips are chapped and my stuff is in the other bag from running last night, so damn, gotta use this rasberry lotion that tastes bad but smells good.

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While you were out...
Tuesday. 1.10.06 10:10 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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a year in review
Sunday. 1.8.06 12:53 pm
So I feel kinda ill... and bored, so why not write an entry that might get me into a great mood eh? Well, I figured one was due, since it is this very blog that started everything for me to be able to celebrate a one year anniversary with Keith. Mm that's right, this freakin blog that my first friend in Hershey made me try out cuz we were bored one summer day. I remember exactly how it started too, I was over at her house where the computer is in this cubby hole at the top of the stairs and I couldn't get the whole html thing before they put in those links that do it for you. Yes, we were some of the first fellows who wrote on this thing and since we were the babies we of course were able to read EVERYONE's blogs if we were bored enough. So, I read this dude's and this other dude's and eventually commented on a dude's who in turn commented on mine. I could probbaly find those comments if I looked back far enough.

So anyway, then we started talking online, and I know, I've told this story like a million times but there might come a day when I forget and will need someone to read it back to me like in the Notebook. BUt yea, I left a message on his buddy profile thing even before we really talked and one day he "randomly imed me". THat year was senior year in high school for me and Keith had jsut turned 18. He was going to AACC and I Hershey High. Everyday I would come home on the BUS! and go to my mom's room before she got home from wherever she was, and was always greeted by this im the moment I signed online, which, to say the least, always made my day :). I remember our first conversation even, and how we exchanged basics like our family situation, and names of brothers. Then one day we were the only ones online so I gave Keith my phone number and he called... and that voice for the first time, how little did I know that soon I'd get to hear it everyday. I remember one embarassing moment when we were playing some question game, or maybe he just asked if he could ask a question, and it was along the lines of, "How far have you gone with a guy?" and I totally screwed up the answer, then of course apologized for lying online. But more than that I remember talking everynight when I went to the Beach with Courtney the summer after senior year, and being told I had "too many guys" cuz David A and Tim were calling too, due to boredom of course. More than that even, I remember the changes I went thru that senior year of high school.

I became more outgoing, had more self confidence and had someone to share all my problems with. In that way maybe I was able to trust and become closer with someone who I never had even met, which made what we have now. I remember talking about my trials and tribulations with the "boy problems" and eventually those became "keith issues" and thennn, "us discussions". Everyone in Hershey somehow had found out about Keith, and some still have yet to meet him. As much as I have grown, I think Keith has grown equally much. I will always recall the day we first met, and the strings I pulled to get me to Maryland. There were two more visits that I relied on friends to get me there rather than revealing to my parents the truth, until one night when I was at the beach and keith called my parents by accident and that dreaded ride home from Dewey Beach when I knew my dad was waiting for me to probably want to kill me. I think he handled it better than my mom tho, which was one of the few times I cried at that point in my life. That was the first time I broke my parents trust... and since then I have been trying to not only gain it back for myself but for the people I love too.

I remember the conversation my parents and I had when I boldly asked the question, " So what do you think of Keith" after we had picked him up from his house one day and he stayed over the night to meet my parents, then dropped him off. "If I could see you marrying someone, it would be someone like keith" my mom shocked the hell outta me with that one and even though she stays skeptical for my own protection, at least I still believe it. The terms "son in law" and "parents in law" started to come up during the holidays this past year, my sophomore year in college, and to everyone, those terms felt comfortable, although I dont think I ever shared that with Keith oops.

The in between stuff consisted of the Aquarium/cheesecake factory/first hand hold... and for people who think that the first kiss is the determinant for the future of the relationship, I always thought that the hand hold was, and to say the least I nervous as shit. There was then time for me to go off to college at Slippery ROCK which would be not 100 miles from Keith, but 250 miles or so. Everynight I looked foward to 9pm, and it was no longer saying goodbye online at 9pm for him to go call "the ball and chain" (god I hate that term), but to say hello cuz he was calling me. Amanda my awesome roomie always laughed at me and one night I started hooking Keith onto Everwood Tuesday nights when I had to watch it at 9pm with Ashlei. There was a visit to see him at his house one weekend which the memories consisted of watching airplanes... and other things which although still ingrained in my mind as if I just performed them, I doubt I will ever reiterate or say outloud again due to the feelings that followed afterward made those memories shameful and hurtful. When he drove me home after such a visit I remember distinctly sitting on the couch and his phone ringing. He was to my left, and he answered. It was Mike, and the side of the conversation that I actually heard was more muffled than the side that I could hear just as clearly... keith: Hello? Mike: hey what's going on? Keith: I'm in PA Mike: oh that must suck. Keith: yea, it doessss. mike: when are you going to be home? me: is that mike, tell him I say hi! keith: umm, sometime tonight (completely ignoring me).... etc etc etc. We went to Neato Burrito after that with Tom and David and Court prolly and I got one to go, all the time asking this boy who was sitting next to me on a corner, "what's wrong" as he sat in this thinking, confused face. I knew then, but of course I ignored it cuz it was easier.

I remember laying in my bed maybe taking a nap when I got an im from some screen name I did not know, and before I could respond they signed off. How differently I would've handled the news had I actually talked to Desi before Keith that day. I remember standing in Rocky's after going to the gym perhaps that night when I got Keith's phone call and he wouldn;t say a word till I was inside my dorm building and sitting down in the study lounge on the second floor away from the windows facing the front of the building on the right side of the couch. I sat speechless, and suprisingly not suprised at the news. I couldn't yell or cry or be angry even, just dullingly hurt and knowing that my instincts had been right all along. After getting off the phone, I threw it at my bed and went to the bathroom while Amanda sat still waiting to hear why I just said, "what an asshole". I remember trying to act upset more than I really felt like I was, because more I think I was mad at myself. I sat hunched on my bottom bunk that Amanda and I had decided like we were two halves of the same whole that I would be bottom and she would top. I told her two sentences of what happened and she offered exactly the support I needed. Kara and Kate came down later, and Katie found out too. The night was completed with the spilling of two broken hearts over aim between me and a girl I had only heard about. How similar we were in some ways and realized why it was us and not two other people. I remember songs that she mentioned were special to her and to this day I hate listening to them which is a shame cuz they really were beautiful songs. I have tried to associate other things and feelings with them, and my friends have helped me do so. I think the way I reacted to such a thing would be similar to how I would handle the death of my child, or shocking news that someone I know is a murderer (I am currently reading THE PACT and these issues are delt with in the book). My brain wouldn't know what to do but be calm, too calm, too calm to think or know what to say or ask. I spent that night up reading magazines Kate brought down to the room for me after Amanda had gone to sleep, such as Cosmo and Seventeen. She said to "look at the hot boys" and forget things. I tried, but it was so superficial I needed something real. So I called David W and we went for a walk with me on the phone trying not to get caught by the police who were sitting in their cars wondering why anyone would be out at 3am walking around campus in the rain. It is a wonder that my phone didn't die. I went back to the study lounge and said goodbye at 6am. Went to my room to find Amanda up getting ready for waterpolo practice. She left and I sat up waiting for my 9am class to start. I wasn't tired until the minute I sttepped into that class and had to be held awake my Diana who sat behind me watching my head drop off every minute or so. I think I might've gone to sleep after that. (wow that could be a chapter in some novel, damn)

So anyways, the next time I saw Keith was when him and Mike came to Hershey to visit and because my parents didn't want me to see him at all (after spending 30 minutes outside Friendlys crying hysteriaclly while Tom came out to give me his coat, I talked my mom into letting keith come to the HOUSE). However, I met them at Indian Echo Caverns and we went to Harbour coffeehouse where Mike ate almost the entire choc bar I gave him for xmas and I tried to look Keith, with his new glasses in the eye. We went back to my house and that evening the guys headed out to Philly to meet some chic Mike was acquainted with. The next time I saw Keith had to have been around January 7th, and I gave him his Christmas present then just cuz I had it from before. A beanie that he doesn't have anymore and a mug that is in the cupboard in his house. Everyone told me to not see Keith that early after, and I probably shouldn't have, but I did and that is how January 7th became our anniversary. We had been broken up for a month, but I gave in.

Since then there was revealing the fact that I thought SRU would be a good school for Keith and he applied, and got accepted, after getting accepted to Towson too, which I received the call for when I was in the Marketplace with the girls and I danced around screaming making myself look like an idiot. Wouldn't be the last time I'd do that either. There was Valetines Day which I still have the email from with a 300 question survey or some such attached. There were cards sent and something that never ended were the 9pm phone calls. Eventually what we talked about was what we did, and after a summer of festivities including 6 flags, hershey park, 4th of july, keith's birthday, my birthday, cheeseburger paradise my bday again, loaded questions and scattagories... I had met almost everyone and enjoyed going to maryland more than I did being home. I would take days off work to leave after work and get back before work started up again, I would work and leave Keith home to go to Gettysburgh with my dad, and somehow we saw each other almost once every other week.

Then it was move in time to SRU and the first time I saw him on campus was when he walked to North Hall where I was helping Freshmen move in, him wearing his blue mesh shorts, white beater and blue/purpleish hoodie I had given him that was mine but I never wore, complete with his awesome red and black flip flops that were necessary for any college student. At college we did most of the things we had talked about: laundry, learned how and played pool, slept in maybe once, ate breakfast and late nights, did take out Boozel, went to lectures and comedians, walked each other to class, and were just steps away instead of hundreds of miles. We found Cicis, went to movies, played cranium, and got harassed by his floormates. He found a job at the first store we went to, which the application to was filled out on a book about some football thing in the back of the store. I called Mike to see if he could be used as a reference. I started doing office hours really early in the morning cuz Keith had to work and so we did breakfast at 7:30am. There were wake up calls, sandwiches made for break, and the famous waffles. Keith found game night and I had Americorps. $5 pizza nights were always fun too. Although it was everything we had wished for, the adjustments made me love him more and dislike myself. Eventually I got rid of the chemicals which, although kept me from getting pregnant, made me lose my sense of self and mind to the point where I pulled myself away from everyone I ever really wanted in my life, including Keith, Cindy and my friends. The only people who really knew me or talked to me most of the semester were my parents who when I called, would get on the phone line jointly cuz neither of them by themselves could handle my problems. Not to mention that seeing someone who had taken away a lot of my self confidence and even self worth everyday didnt make me recover any easier. Had Keith not been there at SRu with me he wouldn't have been yelled at or felt like everytime he looked at me I was upset with him. But had he not been there I wouldn't have had anyone who could physically hug me when I fell down.

My brother doesn't have much care for material things it seems. When he moves from place to place, he leaves his mess and many belongings there. The only thing he is sure to take is his computer. I think I am the opposite. As long as I have my things, and a few people who I could get hold of if I wanted to, I discard people more. I haven't had to desire or need to call anyone of my friends this whole break. When I am at school I don't make any effort to talk to anyone from Hershey, and even while here except for boredom and maybe two people who I actually like to spend time with, I don't make the effort to call anyone here either. I go through sets of friends every two years, at least I have ever since the first switch of schools in 8th grade. Since then, every two years I have moved onto different friends and I don't doubt that next year, my friends will once again change, maybe because they have to. So what about Keith? We just celebrated our one year anniversary, but I've known him for 2.45 years, in person for 1.75 years.

They say that after a few years you get tired of the person, and that the person you don't get tired of is the one you can stand to marry. There have been moments when I have fallen in love with Keith all over, and yet I have realized that when you are closer in location, for some reason those moments became sparse. Maybe it is because people just stop appreciating the little things or maybe because normal life moves too fast and we don't take a moment to breath and do those "falling in love" things. I think though that when life is too fast, it is MOST important to do those things, or you just get lose in the wind. There has to be some kind of spark to keep a marriage that lasts a lifetime going... the hard part is making the effort or finding the key to make that spark happen. I guess that is what soulmates can do.

It wasn't about money or gifts, it was about heart and thought that made me fall in love again yesturday, that ignited that spark. From the start of the day till the end, like a bell curve, the peak was in the middle. Going to a candy store and getting one of my favorite childhood candies, to looking for and finding a watch which I have been in search of all week, to going to a store I discovered last spring break in erie and always enjoy looking at, to being shocked outta my socks when I got to pick out the softest bear there was, have Keith's wish be placed on its heart and not be ashamed of feeling like a little kid again, complete with a "world's greatest lover" sweater, to seeing a movie I greatly anticipated, to eating at a new place for both of us with no napkins, to topping it off with a combination of white chocolate ice cream, heath bar and cookie dough that was even better than imagined. I think maybe that is how the best of our days go, we plan something we think will be good and it turns out even better. To renting a movie that most people would laugh at the suggestion of but was truely heartwarming (the march of the penguines) to going to sleep by the only person I ever enjoyed sharing a bed with even though it was 85 degrees in the house.

I didn't want to come home, and the first two weeks were hardly vacation-like, and perhaps the reason was not that I wasn't relaxed or having fun, but because it wasn't complete, and I wasn't with the person who I could really call a week of doing nothing a vacation. If I can spend a week of doing almost nothing with someone, then I think I am cut out to spend a lifetime of doing almost everything with him too.

[started at 1:53 and it is now 3:11pm]

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