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Sunday. 3.28.04 10:44 pm my geekiness is sexy, don't fight it Wednesday. 3.24.04 12:32 am listening to: drowning - stabbing westward mood: geeky I'm such a dork. An INFP webring *grin* if you're not up to speed with how much of a dork I am, you need to check out my LiveJournal. 8,000,000 quizzes and a lot of stuff lately on Myers-Briggs/Jung/Keirsey etc type stuff. I'm an INFP and proud damnit *grin* check it out: INFP Baby! Harry Potter INFP (hehe) and below: Keirsey INFP description good stuff good stuff! now i'm off to be more of a geek and not get some more homework done :-D Comment! (0) | Recommend! "maybe im just taking it for granted that it does" Tuesday. 3.23.04 1:52 am listening to: heavy - tegan & sara mood: pensive i'm such an unappreciative bitch! i was with someone who wonderful and loved me to death and i loved and i screwed it up with someone who probably only wanted me for just then. and then i was with someone else and i took that for granted, and screwed up something with another great person who liked me for me. and then there's the first person who is still madly in love me and wants me back and i'm sitting here bitching about how i dont know what i want when i have great people wanting to be with me. whats wrong with me? so many people can't find anyone, and i'm sitting here bitching and complaining because my guy calls me too much. and bitching and complaining about how i dont want to get hurt again. well i'm gonna miss out and it's going to be my own damn fault. i need to stop taking things for granted. Comment! (2) | Recommend! you're not who you think you are Tuesday. 3.23.04 1:16 am listening to: could it be you - *nsync listening to: who needs shelter - jason mraz mood: disappointed where did i go wrong? where did i fuck up? i thought i was a good person, pure at heart, with the best of intentions, all that good stuff. what happened to that? i find myself repeatedly being someone whom i do not like. what do i do? how can i fix it? what happened to who i thought i was? was i at one time this person and i have changed? or was i mistaken and really i'm someone who isn't so great? i'm not sure. i want to feel like i'm a good person. i don't want to be selfish and inconsiderate and bitchy and mean. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to be tempted by "bad" things. i want to be good and innocent and pure. but i'm not. yes, i do want as close to perfection as necessary. there are some areas in my life which i want perfection, some areas of myself which are important and which are not (obviously i dont strive for perfection in my looks - that was never a morally high importance to me). though i mean, obviously there is something about me, something that makes it so the people i've been with just can't seem to let go. i can't honestly say its not flattering. it's great to know that you're liked and you matter to someone. and its good to know i'm liked and i dont even think i'm good enough. ugh, i don't know. i need to get back to doing some homework. i'm just disgruntled with myself. i want to feel good about myself. i wanna be happy with who i am. i know i can't be perfect, believe me, i know.. i just.. i want to be better than this. i don't ever want to hear a friend say "i'd never date you" again. i want to be perfect for somebody, and i can't do that by being bitchy, can I? I mean, everybody's allowed to have bitchy days but.. *sigh* i dunno. i just feel like i'm an evil bitch sometimes, and i dont like it. i have good intentions and then i end up fucking it up in the end. *sigh* i dont know... i just want something to make sense to me and to be right and to be good and just.. i dont know. i wanna be happier with how i handle things. i dunno if i'll ever get this live thing right. i wish like was like a dot to dot puzzle. you've got the dots set out for you and you just go from one to the other and the numbers tell you which one to go to next and when youre done you've got a pretty picture and it makes sense even though its a little rough around the edges. i want a dot with a number to tell me where to go next!!! fucking life. i quit. Comment! (2) | Recommend! meh Saturday. 3.20.04 3:55 am listening to: breathing - yellowcard mood: sleeeeeepy so i know i should be in bed by now.. i gotta get up and get my hair dyed and see mommy before she goes to be cuz she's working tomorrow night.. and to think about it.. i dunno if im gonna see her after that cuz im leaving sunday she she wont be up like ususal :-/ the week has gone by too fast! and i've just spent the week being a total headcase! *sigh* stupid life! at least i've had a week off of school so that i can be a total headcase and not worry about getting through work too. nina told me to be in bed by 2.. 2:30.. 3 uhhhh.. hows 4? meep! i need to stop my urge to babble and go to sleep! oooh forgot to check out movies tonight.. must do that in the morning.. tempted to look up Yellowcard lyrics but I am resisting! i'm kinda talking to Brian right now about stuff so i feel bad about just up and going to bed, so I may as well babble a little more and see what happens in this conversation. I was talking to him about Myers-Briggs stuff tonight (cuz i'm a big dork, check out the LJ) and he's an ESTJ and i'm INFP.. COMPLETE OPPOSITES! No wonder I thought we were too different for it to last. I need some more fruit punch soda, i have for ages now.. but i've been to lazy to get off my bum and get it. i stink. lalala what else was i gonna say? not so sure. haven't really done too much over break... went to the Mahar play tonight.. Abby mostly talked to Casey, Andy was too cool for us and Nina got sick and we bailed at intermission (i'm sure we weren't missed). Yeah so that was exciting. Haven't done much else over the week.. chillin with nina.. reading.. interneting.. getting attacked by my cat, made slut barbies, played lots of cards... just your average boring week, lol, but it's been good. i don't wanna go back :-p *blinks* i'm sleeeeepy! i've been sleeeeepy for a while. *snores* *yawns* i wonder why i like quizzes and junk so much.. i like to analyze myself and figure out who i am i guess.. i like to see how accurately things say who i am.. i'm really interested in the indepth stuff... like.. does it just tell me things i already know? does it help me to understand myself? is it self-centered of me to wanna read that stuff and post it for other people to read? do i just want people to learn about me, do i want to be understood? i dunno.. but i know its an addiction, its an interest, a hobby.. its good stuff. *shrugs*. my bed is calling my name, its getting louder and louder and louder! its taunting me! teasing me! it's calling for me! it loves me! beeeeeed.. i looooved beeeed. ooooh im so gonna forget to get mom to wash Mary tomorrow.. the poor girl is disgusting. don't wanna trust throwing her in a pillowcase and into the washer on gentle.. she'd probably fall apart with doing that! she's almost 17, she's got holes in both her armpits.. she's staying together pretty well! she's very loved :) (if you don't know, Mary is the teddy bear I've had since i was 3 1/2. My grandmother gave her to me after our house burned down. i've slept with her just about every night since -- including now) OOOH OOOH OOOH! BED TIME!! NIGHT NIGHT!! *rushes off to bed* Comment! (0) | Recommend! that thing called life Thursday. 3.18.04 3:25 am so whats been up since i last posted eh? lots i'm sure. you know the big thing going on in life right now is my lovelife. that's always been a top priority for me too. i broke up with brian the other day. the reason i gave him was because i didn't think i could ever fall in love with him, that i didn't see a future for us.. is that a sucky thing to say to someone? its honest though... its good to be honest. thats true, but i'm sure it also has to do with me being confused at life. but even if i wasn't, it only seems fair to break it off with him. I don't see something, and i mean, something he said to me made sense and contradicted what i was saying.. but i dunno.. cuz i don't want a long term commitment right now, but i don't want to be with him because i don't see the potential for a long term commitment... and like.. it makes sense that he says i was contradicting myself, but i mean, it does make sense to me because i don't want long term commitment right now, but i also don't want to stop being idealistic, i don't want to stop looking for the right one for me. so i'm looking for the right person, i just don't want to be with them just yet. but i mean hey, maybe if i did find someone who made me feel amazing and alive and head over feet infatuated and crazy for them and that feeling stuck for more than 2 weeks, maybe i would want that, i don't know. it also has to do with the fact that i just need to be single right now. i really do. i need time to deal with the nina thing and it's not fair to get involved with anyone else when there's so much crap going on there. and the nina thing is just as confusing as ever. i told her today that i didn't love her as much as i used to.. boy did that suck to say. it'd never really come to those words before, not even in my head, but it just kind of came to me.. i'd never thought of it like that before, but when i said it i knew it was true. it kinda made me feel better because it explained why i was so confused, but it also didn't make me feel better because.. i think i'd like to love her like i used to, but i don't know if its possible. there's just been SO much shit! i'm a different person than i was two years ago. everything isnt rainbows and butterflies anymore. love is real, emotions are real, hurt is real. Things changed when she broke up with me over a hear ago (the first time) and nothing has been the same since. I've been hurt so much by her, and I've put up walls, I never want to hurt like that again, so I held myself back, I didn't let myself feel for her how I did before when we got back together, I didn't find out till after I'd cheated on her that she didn' know that, that she was giving me all of her heart, and i was only giving half. But it's been a long time. I tried to get over her but it didn't work all that well, and then we got back together but it wasn't anything i was thinking about as forever, and then things got screwy again, and then the stuff with brian happened really quickly, and i just don't know. it's kind of weird though... because over xmas break it was so good.. thinking back, i was in love with her then wasn't i? not saying i'm not in love with her now, but not as much as i was. things are different now, i feel differently now. some of it has to do with the fact that i'm terrified of getting hurt again. and its not like i doubt how much she loves me, because i see that in the pain she's going through, i know she loves me, but i don't trust her decisions, i can't trust that she won't hurt me again. but other things are different as well.. i don't know.. lately i just haven't been feeling it.. i don't feel as in love when i'm with her. I love spending time with her and hugging and holding her and smooching her.. but.. i don't really have too much wanting for more than that. I don't know, you know? It's just weird. i don't want it to be weird, i don't want things to be different, but they ARE and there isn't anything i can do about it now, i can't just change things like that, i just need to see what happens. and i don't really think i'd want to be with her right now anyway, the whole thing i was saying about how i need to be single.. i think i just need to be single.. i need to figure out what i want and who i want and who i am, and i can't do that being committed to anyone. and i can't be with nina knowing that i don't love her as much as she loves me right now, that's just not fair. i can't pretend, and i can't be unhappy in a relationship and just hope it'll get better, that's just not going to happen. i'd really like to have all the answers, that would be reeeeal nice. but i guess we'd all like to have all the answers though, huh? but noooo life just can't be that easy! growing up SUCKS! it sucks donkey balls! blah, i got distracted watching good eats and i just realized that it's awful late.. i don't really feel like reading back up to what i was saying and babbling anymore, so i think im gonna go get me some more soda, watch a little more good eats and get my butt to bed. fun fun. i'll update again someday, mmmkay? *sigh* i'm sick of making the people around me unhappy. i really really hate it. 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