listening to: could it be you - *nsync
listening to: who needs shelter - jason mraz
mood: disappointed

where did i go wrong? where did i fuck up? i thought i was a good person, pure at heart, with the best of intentions, all that good stuff. what happened to that? i find myself repeatedly being someone whom i do not like. what do i do? how can i fix it? what happened to who i thought i was? was i at one time this person and i have changed? or was i mistaken and really i'm someone who isn't so great? i'm not sure. i want to feel like i'm a good person. i don't want to be selfish and inconsiderate and bitchy and mean. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to be tempted by "bad" things. i want to be good and innocent and pure. but i'm not. yes, i do want as close to perfection as necessary. there are some areas in my life which i want perfection, some areas of myself which are important and which are not (obviously i dont strive for perfection in my looks - that was never a morally high importance to me).
though i mean, obviously there is something about me, something that makes it so the people i've been with just can't seem to let go. i can't honestly say its not flattering. it's great to know that you're liked and you matter to someone.
and its good to know i'm liked and i dont even think i'm good enough.
ugh, i don't know. i need to get back to doing some homework. i'm just disgruntled with myself. i want to feel good about myself. i wanna be happy with who i am. i know i can't be perfect, believe me, i know.. i just.. i want to be better than this. i don't ever want to hear a friend say "i'd never date you" again. i want to be perfect for somebody, and i can't do that by being bitchy, can I? I mean, everybody's allowed to have bitchy days but.. *sigh* i dunno. i just feel like i'm an evil bitch sometimes, and i dont like it. i have good intentions and then i end up fucking it up in the end. *sigh* i dont know...
i just want something to make sense to me and to be right and to be good and just.. i dont know.
i wanna be happier with how i handle things.
i dunno if i'll ever get this live thing right.
i wish like was like a dot to dot puzzle. you've got the dots set out for you and you just go from one to the other and the numbers tell you which one to go to next and when youre done you've got a pretty picture and it makes sense even though its a little rough around the edges. i want a dot with a number to tell me where to go next!!!
fucking life.
i quit.

maybe you expect to much of yourself ... or maybe your just trying to hard .... maybe you should just be for a while without worrying about what kind of person you are or going to become. your not a bad person, really, your not. just because you're tempted by bad things doesn't make you bad ... everyone gets tempted by stuff ... its how you handle it that shows what kind of person you are.
» (4.17.168.162) on 2004-03-23 11:59:14

and i handle stuff sucky and i treat people like shit. and you know it. tell me i couldnt have been better with peoples feelings...
» lavenderblues on 2004-03-23 01:24:42

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