so whats been up since i last posted eh?
lots i'm sure.
you know the big thing going on in life right now is my lovelife. that's always been a top priority for me too.
i broke up with brian the other day. the reason i gave him was because i didn't think i could ever fall in love with him, that i didn't see a future for us.. is that a sucky thing to say to someone? its honest though... its good to be honest. thats true, but i'm sure it also has to do with me being confused at life. but even if i wasn't, it only seems fair to break it off with him. I don't see something, and i mean, something he said to me made sense and contradicted what i was saying.. but i dunno.. cuz i don't want a long term commitment right now, but i don't want to be with him because i don't see the potential for a long term commitment... and like.. it makes sense that he says i was contradicting myself, but i mean, it does make sense to me because i don't want long term commitment right now, but i also don't want to stop being idealistic, i don't want to stop looking for the right one for me. so i'm looking for the right person, i just don't want to be with them just yet. but i mean hey, maybe if i did find someone who made me feel amazing and alive and head over feet infatuated and crazy for them and that feeling stuck for more than 2 weeks, maybe i would want that, i don't know.
it also has to do with the fact that i just need to be single right now. i really do. i need time to deal with the nina thing and it's not fair to get involved with anyone else when there's so much crap going on there.
and the nina thing is just as confusing as ever. i told her today that i didn't love her as much as i used to.. boy did that suck to say. it'd never really come to those words before, not even in my head, but it just kind of came to me.. i'd never thought of it like that before, but when i said it i knew it was true. it kinda made me feel better because it explained why i was so confused, but it also didn't make me feel better because.. i think i'd like to love her like i used to, but i don't know if its possible. there's just been SO much shit! i'm a different person than i was two years ago. everything isnt rainbows and butterflies anymore. love is real, emotions are real, hurt is real. Things changed when she broke up with me over a hear ago (the first time) and nothing has been the same since. I've been hurt so much by her, and I've put up walls, I never want to hurt like that again, so I held myself back, I didn't let myself feel for her how I did before when we got back together, I didn't find out till after I'd cheated on her that she didn' know that, that she was giving me all of her heart, and i was only giving half. But it's been a long time. I tried to get over her but it didn't work all that well, and then we got back together but it wasn't anything i was thinking about as forever, and then things got screwy again, and then the stuff with brian happened really quickly, and i just don't know.
it's kind of weird though... because over xmas break it was so good.. thinking back, i was in love with her then wasn't i? not saying i'm not in love with her now, but not as much as i was. things are different now, i feel differently now. some of it has to do with the fact that i'm terrified of getting hurt again. and its not like i doubt how much she loves me, because i see that in the pain she's going through, i know she loves me, but i don't trust her decisions, i can't trust that she won't hurt me again.
but other things are different as well.. i don't know.. lately i just haven't been feeling it.. i don't feel as in love when i'm with her. I love spending time with her and hugging and holding her and smooching her.. but.. i don't really have too much wanting for more than that. I don't know, you know? It's just weird.
i don't want it to be weird, i don't want things to be different, but they ARE and there isn't anything i can do about it now, i can't just change things like that, i just need to see what happens. and i don't really think i'd want to be with her right now anyway, the whole thing i was saying about how i need to be single.. i think i just need to be single.. i need to figure out what i want and who i want and who i am, and i can't do that being committed to anyone. and i can't be with nina knowing that i don't love her as much as she loves me right now, that's just not fair. i can't pretend, and i can't be unhappy in a relationship and just hope it'll get better, that's just not going to happen.
i'd really like to have all the answers, that would be reeeeal nice. but i guess we'd all like to have all the answers though, huh? but noooo life just can't be that easy! growing up SUCKS! it sucks donkey balls!
blah, i got distracted watching good eats and i just realized that it's awful late.. i don't really feel like reading back up to what i was saying and babbling anymore, so i think im gonna go get me some more soda, watch a little more good eats and get my butt to bed. fun fun.
i'll update again someday, mmmkay?
*sigh* i'm sick of making the people around me unhappy. i really really hate it.

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» Raymon (109.227.244.196) on 2011-07-10 12:16:05

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