listening to: Only - RA
mood: still awake

i love this song, it's just awesome.


See i dont, know why, i liked you so much
I gave you all, of my trust
I told you, i loved you, now thats all down the drain
Ya put me through pain, i wanna let u know that i feel

Fuck what i said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses, it didnt mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, i dont want you back

Fuck what i said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses it didnt mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, i dont want you back

You thought, you could
Keep this shit from me, yeah
Ya burnt bitch, i heard the story
Ya played me, ya even gave him head
Now ya askin for me back
Ya just another hag, look elsewhere
Cuz ya done with me

Fuck what i said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses it didnt mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, i dont want you back

Fuck what i said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses it didnt mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, i dont want you back

Ya questioned, did i care
You could ask anyone, i even said
Ya were my great one
Now its, over, but i truly mean im sad
It hurt real bad, i cant sweat that, cuz i loved a hoe

Fuck what i said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses it didnt mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, i dont want you back

Fuck It - Eamon

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listening to: Bottom Of A Bottle - Smile Empty Soul
mood: awake... damnit!

so it's 4:30am.. i went to bed at 2. at 3:15 i was still laying there awake. i didn't feel tired anymore and i was getting pissed off not being able to sleep so i got up. too much stupid shit on my mind that i just didn't want to think about and it was keeping me awake. so now i've just been downloading some music and listening to a rock station on launch.com and yeah.. not sleeping. i have to get up in 5 1/2 hours, i have an exam at 1 and yeah... it's gonna be fun! i'm definately gonna be taking a nap or something tomorrow...

i wish i had cable so at least i could watch insomniac music theater on vh1... i love that show. i used to watch that every day over xmas break. good stuff.

anybody got the entire Three Days Grace album? (I Hate) Everything About You is an awesome song and i so want the rest of the album but i can't find it :-p no fun.

it's gonna suck big time waking up today... i'm not looking forward to it at all. and like i wasn't gonna suck enough on my stats exam, now i'm just screwed! lets see... its 13.6% of my grade, thats not that much, thats pretty good.. i can deal with that. i just so don't care enough, that class is rediculous. the guy is out of his mind, that lab assignment is nuts i tell you.. nuts! i'm just done, whatever, i don't care at this point, i just want this week to be over. fuck it.

ugh, geez.. so im listening to this station because i want to listen to new songs.. the only new ones i've heard are old ones! you can only skip so many songs and it just keeps giving me songs i have on my computer and i've heard 1800 times! eh.. at least the station is playing good music.. but still...

what else is there to do at 4:40am.......

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listening to: my "Good Rock Shit" playlist -- Living Rooms - Revis
mood: sick of work

so i'm still playing around with this thing. one good thing about using livejournal was that i could have an excuse for not having to make a nice looking layout. with this thing i can do anything i want, i can make it look as good as my website, and i mean, that's cool.. if i want to work on a layout i can, and i can use it, and it's all good. and i make layouts using a lot of css anyway. i wonder if i can format it and get my chester layout back up... well i'm sure i can. but i've used that one twice already, lol. i just need to have some free time and be in a creative mood and make a graphic that i'm actually going to like 5 minutes after i make it.

thats one thing i really wish i was better at, graphics. i really wish i was more creative. and i mean, theres only so much you can learn there's just stuff that you can do and you can't... i can't acquire artistic talent, and that's what it is. you have to have an eye for what looks good, and i just don't have that. i can tell what looks good when i see it already made by someone else, but i can't just make something that looks good, and i mean, yeah, if i knew how to do more graphics-wise i could make better graphics, but its also a skill thing.. a talent thing.. that i'm just never going to have. is that a cop-out? should i learn more but i dont cuz i say i'll never be good enough at it? maybe if i had more time i'd learn more.. or more than just paint shop.. i don't know... but i know that my graphic skills are pretty damn limited. anyone out there wanna hook me up with a hot ass layout? ;) that would be awesome.

i'm also kind of partial to keeping a journal here instead of livejournal because this thing had been up for like 5 minutes and someone already came and left me a comment, how rad is that! you rock :-D woohoo! good fun.

so i really should be doing something constructive... my stats lab meeting went sucky. i ended up doing just about everything of course, but even i didnt know what the hell we were supposed to be doing. it really is rediculous.. but yeah, i have an exam in that class and i really need to study for it... my hour between classes tomorrow just isn't going to cut it.. i need to study tonight before bed.. and i have to get up in 9 hours so i need to study now. but am i going to do it now? yeah, i doubt it. i still have other stuff i can play with! i'm such a procrastonator... its so bad.

i can't wait for this week to be over. ya know what? fuck it.. i'm kind of pissed i didnt get a position in PEN (Peer Education Network - a group I'm in at school) but yeah.. it'll just give me more time to concentrate on more important things, like the fact that I'm going to be president of the Gay/Straight Alliance and i'm pretty much going to have to build it from the group up again because this year just sucks. if only i had enough time right now to just bitch adn vent about all that crap.. but i won't. and i mean besides, the second post and i'm already bitching and venting?? eh.. it would just set the tone. that's what i do when i write stuff, i bitch and vent. probably because i'm a very easygoing laid back person who doesn't like confrontation and i'm pretty good at going with the flow and dealing with shit.. but yeah.. when i'm sitting down thinking about things and letting my thoughts and feelings out, its all the bitching that i usually only do with friends or whatever... or just with no one and it comes out when i'm writing stuff. venting is much easier when its just you and your keyboard and you can just go and there's no one there to tell you to shut the hell up and people can read it or they can not and it doesnt make any difference because it just feels better having said it. so what is this? i'm ranting about venting? whatever...

i'm so tempted to just browse around online for a picture to use that matches the cute cheesy girly color sheme i came up with for this thing that i can spend hours playing with to have it come out just okay to stick it on there. it would look kind of silly just sticking a picture on the page though, wouldn't it? i don't fucking know.. maybe i'll just hope there's someone rad out there reading random journals that says hey, i'm gonna hook this girl up with a layout! yeeeeah if only.

whatever. i feel kind of weird about doing that anyway, like there are those sites where you can get layouts.. i never use them.. or well, i did once cuz i didnt have anything else to use.. but it's like.. i dunno, all i can think of is its an insult to my manhood.. but i'm not a man.. and that doesnt make any sense.. i think an insult to my manhood would be a good thing since im a woman.. but maybe its an insult to my computer nerdiness. like.. i'm better than that, that would be admitting that i wasnt good enough and that i couldnt do it, using someone else's layout.

that just goes back to the whole thing i was posting earlier about in my livejournal (lavenderblues there too) about the fact that sometimes i just have a really hard time accepting that i'm not the best. really i don't think that happens all that often, because i know i'm not the best, and i'm a big slacker and i could do so much better, but there are just some certain things... maybe its just stuff that i'm actually interested in, i want to be the best, ya know?

i was talking to teresa earlier this week about the fact that i think i'm one of those people that things just come easily to. ya know there are most people who have to struggle to get good grades and to understand things.. i get things quickly.. i can't really ever picture myself having to struggle.. maybe when it comes to english, english i'm not so hot at ( i say that and people would disagree because my lowest grade is a B in english.. but that's low enough for me) but yeah.. i dont think i have as hard time understanding things as a lot of people do.. and sometimes that makes me mad at myself. i know that i could do better, i dont challenge myself. i think about how well i do when i don't push myself, when i dont work to my full potential and it makes me wonder where i could be, what i could be doing and accomplishing if i did challeng myself and see what i can do.

but i dont push myself.. i'm not even very good at getting done what i need to get done. hell, maybe i'm like one of those kids in elementary school that's just fucking around and its not because they're stupid, its because they're just bored. i don't want to get my work done... i put it off until the last moment. and most often when i try working on things early, i just can't, i need the pressure to get it done. maybe if i challenged myself more, i'd be better at getting things done. but i don't like challenge.. i like things that are easy and simple. like sitting around and doing nothing, thats easy and simple :) i'm a pretty damn lazy person... i dont like to have to work for things... probably because i was spoiled as a child.. hell.. i still am spoiled. even though i don't come from much at all, i'm spoiled. but it's not my fault i'm spoiled.. i mean, i could do something about it, i could not let myself be spoiled, but i like to be.

am i starting to sound arrogant or anything? i hope not...

it's not even like i'm saying how great i am... cuz really i'm just saying how i could be better, ya know? but i can imagine people would be saying i was taking advantage of what i have and stuff.. i don't know.. whatever. this is just my random babble, whatever is coming to my mind. and ya know, this is how i work, i start thinking about something and it just goes, it branches and that branches and i can talk about everything and anything. i can just keep going! i'm sure you never would have guess that though, since this is paragraph what, 11.

i still don't know how long i'm going to use this.. i may decide to stick with it, i may not.. i may just post in two places, three places, whatever, i don't really know. but yeah, if you're here and checking this out, i'd say also check out My Website and My LiveJournal. Also, you may as well check out my AIM SubProfile and IM me sometime at thegirl8306 ;). (i really dont expect that to happen.. just sounds like fun). and its late and i'm supposed to be doing work, so i can think of anything to talk about. i can be bored to death and there can be nothing to do, but if i'm supposed to be doing work, all of a sudden there's a lot to do :)

i really should go though.. i just spent the last 30 minutes babbling and i need to study and get my lazy ass to bed!

I CAN'T FOR THIS WEEK TO BE OVER!!

night night all

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listening to: deny - default
mood: lazy slacker

this place seems pretty awesome, a lot more fun than livejournal. pretty rad i must say *grin* i don't really have all that much to say at this very moment, i just wanted to post something and see what i can make stuff look like, i wanna see what this thing can do! woohoo!

i really should be studying, but i said screw it, i'll get enough studying done in a little bit when we work on out stats project.. which is gonna be in like 15 minutes... fuuuuuun.. i'm not looking foward to it.

life is awful confusing sometimes. sometimes i just wish other people could disappear. no matter how hard you try to make yourself happy, and no matter how much you tell yourself that other people don't matter, it can be the littlest thing that didn't even seem like it would be a big deal and it can totally fuck with your whole day, with all the stuff in your mind. you can be totally fine with life at one moment, you can be making yourself happy, and then someone can come along and just screw everything up. sometimes i wish that our happiness didn't depend on someone elses. i wish we didn't need people, i wish we could be fine on our own. i was i was as strong as i like to think that i am.

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