i have come to the conclusion that time goes by way too fast. her nutang, if you didn't read it already, was talking about how she can't believe it's been two years already since Ashley died, and I would have to agree. Two years ago would put us back in good ol' eighth grade, AKA - the best school year of my life. it was fantastic. so many rebellious times, but fun times too. it just doesn't seem possible that two years have went by already. back then, no one really cared about anything, no one harassed other people about stupid and gay stuff, and everyone was just.. happy. i think it's pretty odd how, the people in high school that are most immature and gay are those seniors who think they are so much better than everyone, when they aren't even close. (i.e. Nick May)

time for school

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haha, last night i had a dream and i really liked it, although it was weird. it went a little something like this:

i was shopping at this HUGE store with Amy, and we were shopping for sparkly shoes. Amy bought red sparkly shoes and was saying how she looked like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. I, on the other hand, bought silver sparkly shoes. they were beautiful. then we decided we were going to buy a book. I bought Johnny Appleseed, but I don't remember what Amy bought. Well, we went to the checkout and then we ran into *that boy*, and he, amy, and i ran away together to this very beautiful and rich mansion type thing, that had one of those ten-foot high bathtubs that was shaped like a champage glass. well, amy got drunk and she fell out of it, and then *that boy* and i put too many bubbles in it, and it flooded over.

that's all i remember, but it was great. i told that boy about it and he said it would be awesome if it were true. we decided that when we're 18, we're going to go on a vacation together and just have fun without worrying about anything. haha.

other than that, my day sucked. i kept wanting to take a nap so i could get that dream back, but it never happened. maybe tonight when i go to sleep.

shawn called me all weekend long and complained to me about tab, and although i feel sorry for him, there are ways in which i don't feel sorry for him. i don't think it's very fair of him to be calling me up and showing up at my house, just because it was HIS decision to go out with someone he can never see. yes, i feel bad for him even still, but i just don't think it's fair. sigh.

why do stars,
fall down from the sky,
everytime you walk by?
just like me,
they long to be,
close to you.

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and i'm going to miss it. so many great laughs in there, and so many tears. i cried when i read both of my pieces, and i cried during other people's pieces just because i know how it feels to have gone through what they did. it was really emotional, both in a sad and happy way. it was just an all-around great time. Pilar and her "SQUUUAAAAK". that was too good, Jess.

well, i decided i cannot be mad at Michael no matter how much I want to be. I just can't be mad at him. He's just impossible to be angry with. I am really hurt by what he did, and I want to be mad at him, but i just can't be. i sure do miss him though.

well, that other boy won't be home all weekend and i'm going to miss talking to him. yeah, it's only a weekend, but talking to him just makes me happy, and i just don't get where people think he's an asshole. he's not an asshole at all. at least not to me. he's actually one hell of an amazingly sweet person. i, for some reason, think it's very adorable how, when we're walking on opposite sides of the hall, and even if there are tons of people between us, he somehow always finds a way to grab my hand and smile. it's just cute.

"what's the use in tryin'?
all you get is pain.
when i needed sunshine,
i got rain."

EDIT --------->>> 7:53 PM

step-parents suck. my mom got changed to new hours and now, i don't get to see her at all before school, and she doesn't get home until around 6:30 or so in the evening. we were heading downtown to drop a deposit in the bank, pick up the pizza, and go to Jim's and stuff, and I said I wanted to go with mom since I never get to see her, but no, Jeff (my fucking step-dad) had to butt in and say, "no, i'll go." and i could've still gone, but being with mom when he's there too just isn't the same. so, i looked right at jeff, and said: "ya know what, FUCK YOU. you have to be right up mom's ass all the time, and I'M her daughter, and I think i deserve some fucking time with her too you prick" then mom got all pissed off. i shouldn't have told Jeff that, but he just doesn't GET IT. he's trying to shove me out of my mom's life and it's not going to happen. if only that boy was home to make me feel better.. but he won't be home until sunday evening sometime.

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kev read his english thing to the class and aw it was so cute to think about little kevin sticking his tongue to the lamp post in the winter time and getting it stuck. it was a really funny piece, i'm glad it made me laugh.

i held curtis's bear through the whole thing, it smelled so good. curtis sat on my feet to keep them warm since i didn't feel like wearing my shoes. he's so nice.

received our report cards today and i am very happy with mine. all of my grades are the same as Adam's and that's kind of weird, but i'm glad. I also got a 100 on the daily compound quizzes in Chem, and now I don't owe Keaton 20 bucks. you have to get seven tens, then you don't have to take them anymore, and the deal was, if Kyle got seven tens before i even got ONE, that i would give keaton 20 bucks, but now, i don't have to. i will also get a ten tomorrow, and the next five days and i will be done! yay

alright, i'm going to make applejack for English class tomorrow. yum.

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tonight was the first snow. it's offically sticking to the ground and looking very pretty. aw, i love it. my mom drug me outside thinking she could whoop my ass at a snow fight but yeah, she got hammered. it was fun.

other than that, my night has been pretty shitty. here's an overview: puke - sleep - puke - talk to amy - sleep - puke - sleep - talk to amy - phone - sleep - puke you get the idea. yeah it sucked. i don't even know what made me sick. i actually think it was from eating peanut butter cookies. they make me sick and i forgot because it's been so long since i've had them. dammit.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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