So you're in lecture, assuming nothing will go wrong for the day. You're caught up and where you need to be. You're sitting near the back in the lecture hall quietly reading your texbook as the proffesor is yammering on about boring nonsense. Then you hear a bunch of rustling paper and whispering students, indicating that it is almost time to leave. Your professor announces that she is going to be taking down the still life tomorrow. At first you don't hear it right. The still life?? TOMORROW??!! Your still life contour drawing is DUE on thursday and you assumed you'd have time to finish it in your studio class.
you
haven't
even
started!

No time to panic, though. It's 1:58 and you have a class accross campus at 2.

You akwardly waddle to class. (your messenger bag weighs a ton because you stuffed in all your art supplies at the last minute becase you weren't sure exactly what to bring)

You get to class and luckily your TA isn't there yet, so you're not late. You brought everything and are prepared to work for the whole two hours on your value reduction study. You've finished two of the four projects due on Wed. for this class, so you're in good shape... right?

Your TA starts talking about this new project due in two weeks. Blah blah blah... and THEN she says
This new project...
the estimated cumulative time you will spend working on it
is
forty
to fifty
HOURS.

Hours?
yes.
Hours.

You spend the rest of class staring at your value reduction study. The clock reads 3:59.

you throw it away.

You mope back to your dorm room
and commit

suicide.

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I am older than I once was, and younger than Ill be, thats not unusual
No it isnt strange, after changes upon changes, we are more or less the same....

I like campus at night.
it's eerie here on the weekend. It's like a living breathing creature during the week that dies on the weekend.

Made some new friends last night.
School pride is a forigen concept to me, however I am beginning to understand it.

Things I learned yesterday:
UNT won the football game.
I suck at beer pong,
I am an expert at drunken darts.
I hate merlot.

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okay so I'm a little under the influence right now, but hell.

I've got something to say.

Fuck what anyone says about anything thats going on right now.

I love Matthew. Matthew Ralph Good. My Matthew. And honestly, I think I'll love him forever. there's nothing that can tear that love away from me. I will chase it until the end of time.

I've been spending too much of my time trying to see what other people think about this whole thing and isn't it what I think that matters most?

I love Matthew.

Fuck all of this other twisted shit.

fuck it all.

I'm fucking up. I'm fucking up hardcore and i'm going to have to face it.
but I will love him forever. I will.

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Ever feel like you wish you didn't know yourself?

If somehow, you could just avoid facing your flaws. Only needing to celebrate the elements of your being that make you an interesting and good person. That's what I've always done. It's what keeps me happy.

But now... Honestly, I don't even know what to say to myself. I know I need to say something... I'm falling into a black hole of ignorance.

I've said so many things I didn't mean
and meant so many things that I never said.

I knew all this lying would catch up to me eventually... but who knew it'd hurt so bad

This life, to me, has been some complex scheme built around my center. (but we are all the center of our own reality, right? I guess I won't hold that against myself) But what regard have I had for those centers of reality aroud me?

I don't know.

I've lost my flair of confidence. I feel no concrete backing to what I've just said above. I can account for none of it.

I don't know who I am.

or what the fuck to do.

I need some help.
and honestly... I have no idea where to turn.

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I miss my home.

Not really... I'm glad to be on my own.

It's just lonely here. Each day consists of classes, some aimless wandering outside, going to hear some people play jazz music in the evening... then going to bed in my room which is cold.

I miss matthew, too. Whenever anything gets too complicated I like to talk to him because he breaks it down and makes it seem alright. But he's so busy with working 45 + hours and going to school and seeing his friends. And I am an hour away from him.

I should stop whining.

Classes seem promising... they BETTER be because I just bought $300 worth of art supplies.
Lots of people in my classes seem ignorant about what art really is, but I'm hoping they'll either smarten up or quit. Hoping. Then again it probably will be like that because there are a bazillion people trying out for the program and only a few get in in the end. And I will be one of them.

My roomate Christina is pretty cool. She's laid back, sort of. Kinda like me. Well, maybe a little less laid back than me. She's really into church which is fine with me because she's smart about it, and she doesn't shove her beliefs down anyone's throat. She's from a small town and she's very attractive but I dont think she knows it (I love that). I think she'll do well in psychology because she seems to understand alot about people.

We've been getting along. She thinks I'm crazy but I won't hold that against her because I kinda am.

I've met a few other people so far. Kristina and Shawn. They're a fun couple, hanging out with them is a good time because they make me laugh. Kristina is a journalism major and Shawn is majoring in Jazz studies. He actually just poked me in the shoulder a minute ago to tell me he made it into one of UNT's top gutiar bands. They're from Kansas. Then there's Lucas. He's very nice, he's majoring in comm. design like me. He's a half black/half japanese guy (with dreds!) who is especially interested in japanese culture. And then Lauren. She's super nice... we have alot of classes together (also comm. design and double majoring in art history) and I first met her months ago at orientation. She's got good music taste and she's got street smarts. And lots of ambition.

I have homework but I already don't feel like doing it.
Bah. Go figure.

You know, my drawing TA was reiterating the point that college isn't for everyone and I'm afraid I'm starting to feel like I'm one of the 80% of Americans that it isn't for. I'll give it a fair chance though. Life might be better when i'm not stuck in the dorms with a constant flow of people around me all the time.

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Even though the soul feels this eternal burning strength...

the body does not last forever.



and only with modesty can one experience the dynamics of life to the greatest extent possible.



Don't misread this...

Life, indeed, is limitless



except by the line drawn by death.



And because we can only move closer to that line in our existance... We must observe that the ultimate life experience can best be appriciated through health and care of not only one's soul and mind... but one's body as well.


It's just a shame to see brilliance waste away through ignorance...

I hope everything ends up okay.

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