You're pushing me back
But I pass right through you
I'm slippin' through your cracks
I wanna get close to you
But you just won't let me in
You're pullin' away
So my hands can't touch you
So you can't feel my pain
And there's no secrets
Between you and yesterday

I was lying on the floor, face down, breathing slowly in and out through the soft carpet fibers. I wasn't more than six or seven feet away from the computer, and the speakers were still humming their sweet songs of summer to me as I lie there, alone. The house was empty, empty enough to hear the pulses of the music echoing off the walls.
The plasticy smell of carpeting filled my lungs slowly, in and out. So repetitive. It was so repetitive I wished silently in that moment, for it to stop. And as soon as the tight clenching in my stomach grew tighter, one after another, tears fell from the corners of my eyes and collected in small pools of moisture.
I felt them leave me, and hesistated. Jumped a little, even.
But no one was home, it's okay. I forced myself to let them leave me.
Those tiny drops of liquid that belong to me, not to be seen or shown to anyone, I let them go. I let them seep into the carpet, and my body followed.

Then I imagined what it would be like. A hand across my waist. Maybe a whisper in my ear.

To be loved. Not to be loved when it was convienient. To be loved like this. like in the movies. Or even what it would be like to love. To put all of my heart and love. Love the imperfections.

Then I remembed how it's not true. and how it should be true. There are so many who deserve for it to be true.

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A combination of things have been weighing down my mind lately. I'm not quite sure how to deal with all of them, if I even can deal with all of them.

Like any sixteen year old girl would, I am secretly craving a relationsip for the summer. I won't lie to myself about this, and I have to admit that. But I think probable reasons for the strength in this desire are the other insecurities I have. This being a craving for a distraction, rather than an actual relationship.

There are just people, and personalities buzzing around my head right now, and I can't stop to look... Everything moves so fast.
Maybe I'm caught in a moment of insecurity...
but maybe my insecurties are truth.

I have always wanted to be strong all the way through, I have admiration for this trait... It is so hard for me to master.

---

I called Matt while I was at McDonalds, and he told me he wanted to reschedule for next week. I know it's not his fault, his mom is sick.

My head hurts, and my stomach is sour.

I just wanted to keep dreaming
I'm afraid of the real world.

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So all I ever write about in here is emotional stuff. Okay, so?
I want to.

Three days ago I flicked a bug that was on my moniter. It died, and stuck to the moniter.
To this minute... it is still on my moniter.
May all you future moniter-landing bugs learn an important lesson from your friend here.

Flick or be flicked, is what I always say.

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me (10:08:31 PM): you're a problem solver. and I'm a problem.
x bigtimepie x (10:08:37 PM): indeed
x bigtimepie x (10:08:40 PM): i'm workin on it.
me (10:08:54 PM): I don't want to be solved though.
x bigtimepie x (10:09:08 PM): doesn't matter what you want
x bigtimepie x (10:09:10 PM): you're the problem

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it was only yesterday, and quite a few days before then, when I looked in the mirror, and loved myself. Everything about myself, every flaw. It was all a part of me, each charactaristic solidly glued together to make one whole, living, breathing human being.

And now... after this. I look at how paper-thin it all was. How transparent of a mask. But the truth is, I haven't changed. I just lied to myself until I believed what I thought was true.

A soluable mask.
Well. I just stood under a waterfall.

I'm back to me. The me I was the whole time. Too bad I liked the lies better, they felt stronger.

Whatever. It's only been like, five minutes...

I'll be over it eventually. I'm more angry than sad.

Let's just hope that for every down, there's an up.

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I'm at Jamie's grandparents' house.

We were listening to Andre Rieu. and now Jamie is playing Tchaikovsky something or another. Those melodic notes will never let me be bored. it's kindof nice spending a night with the girls, something I haven't done in seriously too long. I don't stay up late too often, but I guess it's different when you're with your friends.

I like friends, friends are good for you.

I can't wait to try out for symphony. Finally no more of this non-varsity crap. Everyone will know their music, and grow from there, rather than from here.

wellp. I've decided to stop worring about silly things. I guess.
What is the use?

Hi Jon.You are my one friend.
lol.
<3 comment?

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