Time is no longer a continuous stable dimension to me.

It is fluid, changing, and uncontrolable. Yet, it is healthy and balanced.

As I've gotten older I've become more aware of this.

Some people I've encountered believe in fate, or destiny, or God.
Others believe in chaos, coincodence, and spontaneity.

I used to trust in God, and it wasn't enough.
I used to trust in science and logic, and it wasn't enough.

I'm not sure if I believe in the absolute certianty of either destiny or chaos...

All I know is what I have experienced, and how life cannot be recorded on a linear time line.

When I am HERE, and more importantly, around him enough... I begin to feel less like a drone, and more like a conscious human being with a soul and thoughts.

When I am THERE, and far from him I fall into this mindlessness. the people around me are either mindless or caught up in their vices, their selves, their acheivements, what they have to show...
to who?
to no one.
no one is listening to them, and they are not listening to each other... because all they can hear are themselves.
and it is sad.
and I can't say anything or help anyone...
because I do it too.

I'm not sure if being there is what I need. Or what I want.
but what I do need, and want is somewhere to start.
An outlet.
a direction.
And in that sense, I believe I am doing the right thing by being there.
Once I figure out my path
I will then decide what is nessicary and carry out my decision.

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I think I visit home too much. I am here nearly every weekend.
I miss just being in this house.
People asking how my day was.
playing with my dog...

I am not ready to grow up. I am in denial. I have important things to worry about like credit card bills and loans. Like the direction of my career, and my living situation.

I haven't even established a sturdy social standing. When I am in Denton all I do is my schoolwork, watch TV and sleep.
Truely a lonely existance.

I retreat back here to my parents house, and ignore it all. It's so easy to do. I need to get into my car and go back to denton right now. I have so much to do. But I don't want to.

And of course, my parents say it's okay.
but they would.

I want it to be Christmas.

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running out of money.

i am going to see Regina Spektor with a few good friends, and that will be the last of it.

no eating on the weekends for a while.

I am having a serious problem creating a work ethic.
Mother says college is just a means to an end... and I can't hear her, all I see are her lips moving up and down
nothing comes out but air.

I wish I cared more about the politics of this all. I should have voted last weekend. I can't now because I'm not registered here in Denton. Although, I doubt I would have voted for Kinky Friedman. His "why the hell not" slogan just puts me off a little too much. I may be somewhat liberal. but the key word is somewhat. I would have probably voted tor Chris Bell. buttt... I think the military has enough money as it is, and he just wants to give em more.
Yeah.. this is why I'm not voting.

I have at least 6-10 hours of work left to do for tonight,
double that for tomorrow.

and I just can't get out of this chair. The more I realize I need to, the more comfortable it gets. and the less I care.

It's funny you'd think I would. it's gonna be twice as hard to pay off these loans when I get out of here.
but somehow...
I just want to sleep.

I live for the weekends now a days.

I need someone to trust.

I love the Mountain Goats. if you haven't heard of them... download the song "Dilauded" or if you're a true cynic "No Children"
I just love the hurt in his voice at the end of Dilauded

I am a good person. I'm just kinda unorganized.

I've got the strangest urge to watch the last 15 minutes of Crash and have a cold beer by myeslf.

I know. I'll make a dvd of the really sad parts of a bunch of movies. Like when bambi wakes up in the cave and his mom isn't there but his dad is... but he doesn't say anything. Or that scene in Eternal Sunshine where he is sitting in the car right after Clementine left him. Actually, I'll just put Eternal Sunshine on there, in it's entirity. Or how about i am sam? Holy hell that has got to be the most heartwrenching movie I've ever seen...
no wait.
The Green Mile...

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I just bought a car.
2 grand. cash money.



'94 VW Jetta.
157,000 miles.
but it gets 30 mpg!



drivers side door lock is broken, but my dad is going to fix that.
all windows work. All doors work. engine is good. tires are good. brakes are okay.
runs good, kinda rough when it idles.
automatic.
am/fm radio, cassette deck
6 speakers, 2 on the dash.. all of em work.
few interior things broken... but nothing too terribly functional.

lol.

now I'm broke as hell. but I have a car!

I think I have a bank balance of like... $50.

but I have a car.

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Come ride with me
Through the veins of history
I'll show you how god
Falls asleep on the job

And how can we win
When fools can be kings
Don't waste your time
Or time will waste you.

--

I always approach a work of art (be it a movie, song or physical work) as if I have never approached a piece of art before in my life.

But that's just my perspective.

some of you may argue that you have experienced life, and are entitled to bais.
Leaving you dissatisfied with many of the works you are exposed to
save only a few that fit your preconcieved notions of "good"

be it wrong, or right... I'll just tell you one thing.

I enjoy being alive
Because of art.

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It's a strange feeling to be standing in a place where everything that was once taller than you is flattening out, and you can see over the top. It makes my heart drop a little further into the cushion of my stomach.

Since when does everything look so real?

Where are my homely illusions? There's nothing familliar left to grasp... it's all sliding through my fingers... leaving only a sticky residue.

I want to hold on to you. But I just can't reach.

The best I can do for myself (and you) is walk around and pretend I know what I'm doing. Pretend that I know what I'm feeling.

Where is my fantasy? I have struggled to get to this place... and I cannot find it here. Only a lifeless and barren field of nothingness.

And in the process I have left you so far behind... I forgot to grab hold of your hand as I sped off, and now I am feeling the repercussions. The dust in your face, you are spitting it at me and it burns.

If only you were here to feel this with me, it would at least be a bit more bearable.

I just want to look at you like I used to, and know that everything is going to be
o
k
a
y.

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