Home | Join! | Help | Browse | Forums | NuWorld | NWF | PoPo   
:)

:) :) :) :) :) :)
and they won't suspect a thing at all!
Thursday. 4.2.09 12:22 pm
Took a hiatus from Ben for a weekish.
Good times, drank my sorrows away with some of the best friends I've ever had.
Went to what used to be Galveston with my mom. Hung out in a hurricane wrecked/abandoned theme park.
Found pieces of myself.

Then snap. Back to reality. What the hell am I doing? Am I still wallowing in the pain of a heart broken 2 years ago? It's funny how the pain will change forms but somehow still affect me. It hasn't been like an intense longing pain, it was just this bruised, sore feeling that I could usually overlook but sometimes it got sensitive.

How is it someone can be hurt for this long over something that ended fairly and has been resolved. It astonishes me how much I loved him, Matt that is. What was I thinking? I visit him now and see nothing in him that I might have been attracted to, or in love with. Aside from familiarity.

Perhaps I prolonged the pain by making this initially rebound relationship with Ben last so long without taking any time for myself. But although Ben started as my rebound guy, he turned into something much more. He persuaded me to look outside of myself, and at him. And I'm glad he did. He is a fantastic guy. The perfect guy. I saw MANY redeeming qualities in him to which I SHOULD have been attracted but I felt nothing. Because my heart was bled dry, and I lost all perception of my self.

So I'm starting over with him. I wrote him a letter explaining all this in greater detail, and more eloquently. He's such a great find. I couldn't imagine anyone else more perfect for the role of companion to Ashley! I could easily see myself with him for years to come. He fits so snugly into my life.

I'm not going to abandon the promise of something so wonderful for a childish/fantastical illusion that as a twenty-something I need to live the crazy single college life. I can still be crazy, in college, and madly in love.

I'm happy about this.

Happy happy happy!

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

slow down, you're moving too fast.
Wednesday. 2.4.09 1:15 am
kiss me before you go, I'm goin' nowhere.

I really should be getting to sleep since I have an 8am class, but my mind is just teeming with thoughts. Same thoughts that always bug me it seems.

I really felt like it was a livejournal night tonight, but it's down for maintenance at the moment. So... Here I am. Hello nutang.

Things with Ben are going perfectly. So perfectly in fact that my inevitable tendency to sabotage it all is creeping up on me. Phrases like "moving in", and conversations containing our future plans for our lives involving one another are surfacing. I don't know if I'm scared because I've been here before, or if I'm hesitant because this is not what I want. I'm leaning towards the latter because I'm really not all that traumatized by the past anymore.

I feel like there is this special bond amongst single people my age that I am missing out on. Not only that, but I could really use a chance to solidify my life goals and educational ambitions etc., and being single seems to allow more time for these things.

The funniest part about the whole thing is that immediately before these feelings arose, I was feeling truly, madly, deeply in love with this Ben character. We went to a wedding in Oklahoma the weekend after Christmas. He was the best man and so we were part of the wedding party and it was just tons of fun. It was very... scene-out-of-a-movie-esque. Then we spent nearly the rest of winter break together and it was fantastic. I didn't mind at all. I was feeling great. I was on an emotional high.

Now I'm coming down. And I'm coming down to this? Again? Ugh...
I wish I knew what to do with myself during these times.

It doesn't help that I feel I have no one to unload all of this on to. My best friend at the moment is one of those damn boys himself and I have suspicions that during least at one point in our relationship he's had a thing for me. Not that the flirting wasn't reciprocated, but somehow that just seems to be how all of my male friendships begin. So because of this I feel uncomfortable talking about things like this with him. Although I'm sure he'd have a plethora of advice, probably good advice too. *SIGH*

Anyway. I'm going to surrender to sleep now...

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

but who are we to love at all?
Monday. 8.11.08 10:50 am
"I have to say this because I know you won't."

I won't. Because I don't want to say it. I don't want to tell you the truth. I don't want to cut your feet on my little truths like blades of grass swaying in a cold breeze, so don't walk any closer. The truths of my self. I don't want to show you, and I don't want to look. To turn around and look myself in the eye and see a screaming, dirty, unorganized mess with no purpose and no direction. A coward. A girl with cold blood, looking for someone else's sun to bask in. A lizard. A slinky, scaly, green lizard.

But it's time I do. It's time I accept the lizard I am and find out how to work with that, and turn it into something I can be as proud of as this fictional personality that I wear on the outside.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

i don't need anyone, you're not listening.
Sunday. 7.27.08 11:28 pm
I am suffocating myself. I'm drowning in my own filth.

Why do I have two cats, a dog, and soon to be a roommate in a two-bedroom apartment?
There's no room to breathe.

I haven't cleaned in at least a week or two.

I'm good at feigning happiness.

I'm good at being somewhere loud when my parents call to see what I'm up to.

I miss being thirteen, or seventeen or whatever age that was where I always felt so excited about life.

Now I just feel frantic. Pressured. Like time's moving too fast and I'm wasting all of mine.

I shouldn't be with Ben right now. I love him, but I don't know if I can handle it. He's great but he's a boyfriend you know? Relationships come with a whole new package of complications. I go on and off about this all of the time.

I can't figure out what the fuck to do about school. Can't figure it out to save my life. And I've had no inspiration lately to do so. You should see my schedule for this upcoming semester. It's hilarious. I don't even know why I signed up.

Sometimes I wonder if I need a therapist.


Comment! (1) | Recommend!

Undivided love.
Thursday. 7.17.08 9:48 am
All the music in my iTunes no longer reminds me of you.
Pictures of you and all our little artifacts, proof that we once were, have disappeared from my room.
The books I read, the places I go, the food I eat, the choices I make no longer reflect your input.

When you first left me I wrote you letter after letter. I remember I couldn't spend a single day without heaving and choking on tears.

Do we still mean anything to each other?
I still think of you. I still think of you and feel the strongest form of sadness I've yet to experience in my life so far.

I still think of you and think of what it might be like if one day, someday, we got back together. Even though I know that can't happen. Not with everything we've put each other through.

Why am I crying? I don't want to cry. No... I do. Because it's a release.

But I really do love someone else, now. And he's fantastic. I almost wish I would have met him before you so that I could love him with a whole heart. Not one with pieces missing. I guess I need to accept the fact that love will never feel the same after the first time. They make it look like it does in books and movies, but they're just stories.

Oh Ben... I'm so sorry I have these feelings. I'm so sorry that I cry for him when you're at work. So sorry. You deserve better. And I want to start giving you better. I think my heart may be healing. I know it's taking long, but it will be worth it in the end, I promise. My undivided love is the strongest and most powerful of all my attributes. And I'm going to give that to you.

*sigh* Nutang is good for emotional panic attacks. I already feel better.


Comment! (1) | Recommend!

Everything I'm not made me everything I am.
Thursday. 5.8.08 11:41 am
I don't even know what to write about you.

Lets live together someday.
Lets make some distant promises.
I love that stuff.

You're right. You're always right about me.
I compare you. I take you and put you up against my brutal standards.
The standards of my past, the standards of my future.
But you win every time. You fight your way down, back to reality. You fight your way away from my clinging grip and look at my eyes and tell me it's going to be OK, you tell me to relax. You don't let my tendency to lead things towards disaster get in your way.

I always go for the softies. Maybe because I'm a fighter and I have to win. You look the part, I could tell from the beginning you had your problems and you had your insecurities. But Fuck! You surprised me. Blew me out of the water with your strength, your incredible sense of self. Instead of inflating my own ego with the desire to help you with your problems, you've turned me inside out and I have been forced to look in at my own. And through that I'm helping both of us.

Who would have known? I don't think you knew either. We started this with our doubts. According to the facts, this shouldn't have worked out. But you've shown me I can't just let facts be my crutch.

This.

This is good.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14
of_your_mind's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

NuTang is the first web site to implement PPGY Technology. This page was generated in 0.006seconds.

  Send to a friend on AIM | Set as Homepage | Bookmark Home | NuTang Collage | Terms of Service & Privacy Policy | Link to Us | Monthly Top 10s
All content � Copyright 2003-2047 NuTang.com and respective members. Contact us at NuTang[AT]gmail.com.