Alright so here it is, the truth. I'm gonna lay it all down. It's a very long story but I needed to lay it all out. Mostly for myself.

*sigh*

So, three years ago I met my first love (and lovER) Matthew. I was what... 16? And he was 17. Wow, now that I think about it we were SO young. We are still, I suppose. Of course I didn't realize then that we were going to fall in love or even less that we would be lovers. It took a year for us to open up to each other sexually (which I'm glad of because my first was so personal and ideal). I don't remember at what point exactly that we fell in love, but I do know that it was a great thing, and something I don't regret.

But one thing I've learned through all this that what goes up must come down. Hell, I've learned that a lot of scientific laws can be applied to relationships. It's that basic. It's that complicated. About a year and a half into it I think... perhaps maybe two years into it is when the fighting started. Such petty fighting. Stupid, silly and immature fighting. Fights about what we were going to eat for lunch, or whether or not we were going to go out or stay in at night. I felt myself reverting back to a child whenever we fought. Kicking and screaming. Crying. Calling each other names. I don't know at this point whether or not the fighting is really relevant. But I feel the need to mention that it was a significant component of our relationship. I should also mention that the fighting wasn't really that big of a deal until the end of the last year or so. All of a sudden I just found myself getting frustrated at every little thing he did. I don't know why. I don't really even know if I paid attention enough to notice if he got fed up with me too.

During this time I was working at Hollywood Video. This may seem an irrelevant fact, but oh how it is not. At work I developed a little bit of a crush on one of my coworkers, Ben. It was nothing serious, I kept myself from acting on it. It was just casual flirting at work. At least that's what I intended it to be... But over time it just began to grow. We'd have fun at work. Then I quit in August because it was time for me to move to Denton for school. I got his AIM screen name and phone number so we could keep in contact. All the while I have been telling Matt very little about all this because I knew how upset he would be. Ben and I ended up talking quite a bit on chat and eventually the phone while I was away at school. Towards the end of August that year I was severely confused. No doubt, I put myself in that position.. but still I felt lost. Were there other people out there? Were there other things to see? To learn? And at the same time, Matt and I were fighting quite a bit. So I made the decision to break up with him.

A week went by. I had one date (I guess it was a date) with Ben during that weekend while I was home. We saw Crank, and went to a party afterwards. I didn't kiss him or even hold his hand. I cried when I got home. I felt incredibly guilty and nervous and strange.

A few days later I called Matt, apologized, and he never fully forgave me for that but I didn't blame him and things did get better. And for a while after that the fighting wasn't so bad. Things were getting better, and I started feeling pretty good about us. That things were taking a turn for the better. We went on seeing each other at least once a week while I was away at school and things were good and back to normal.

Then as this last school year was coming to a close we decided we'd go on a vacation. We had been talking about this vacation since before spring but now we were finally going to do it. Camping in Colorado. We planned for it to be the week after school got out.
It was the weekend before final exams that we had a fight I'll never forget (for no reason other than it was the tipping point for what was to come). We had planned to go to the movies that friday night for the midnight showing of Spiderman 3. He forgot about it and a friend of his from out of town was having a party. Accidentally double booked. So he decided to go to the party instead of the movie, and I overreacted and started picking for a fight. Then I asked if I could just go to the party with him instead of the movie, and he told me he didn't want to expose me to the people he was going to be around that night. He was always doing shit like that... being protective. I don't like that. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Although he was probably right to keep me from going because I have a feeling there would be harder drugs than I'm used to being around at that party. ANYWAY! I digress. We had a fight.

I call him the next day- no answer.

A few days later I finally get a hold of him and he tells me he wants to talk.
Not talking for a few days was a pretty big deal for us and I was worried and anticipated what was coming.

So he breaks up with me. Said it was because he wasn't ready, needed to clear his head etc. The same thing anyone ever says when they break up.

I take it hard (understandably) and break down at his house that morning. For the first like 10 minutes he was talking to me I didn't even believe him. Then I just let it all out. I cried harder than I think I ever have. I tried to leave his house, then I came back and cried some more. He held me a little. It calmed me, but then I just imagined that this skin so familiar to me would soon become foreign. That when I look at his face I will no longer see what I see now. To become strangers. My mind goes crazy in moments of stress and vividly imagines things like this. It is not good for me.

The month to follow that terrible morning is only a blur in my memory now. A single moment that lasted for many days, during which each second stretched out like hours. Time is a hard thing to understand. Especially when looked back upon.

Eventually I pulled myself out of bed, got my old job back at Hollywood video, and tried to communicate with other people again. I started hanging out with my friends which was an IMMENSE help. I started telling everyone bits and pieces about my pain to get the reaction I needed. That sympathetic hug. That angry, mean comment about Matt. It all felt good to me. I started learning how to feel awake again.

I also rekindled my friendship with Ben at this time. I had indeed missed him, even if only as a friend, and genuinely wanted to get back to talking to him again.

Now here's when it really starts to get complicated. I don't even know if I remember it all right, or in the right order... but this is what I can reacall:

Ben and I decide to start something. This lasts about a week or so and I get scared of what I'm doing. I think at this point things just hit me. What the hell has been happening? Is this a rebound? I don't know what to do.
So I tell Ben I didn't know what I wanted and had to leave him alone for a while.

Then during that weekish that I wasn't talking to Ben, Matt wanted to hang out and get lunch one day. I went. We ate at Schlotzkeys and went to Half-Price Books. It was totally un-constructive. I cried... a lot. I Gave him a CD I made. And his little girlfriend was text messaging him the whole time which put this disgusting feeling in my stomach each time his phone buzzed. Which in turn made me cry more. I realized he just came to give me closure. And maybe I came to get more? I don't even know.

A few days after THAT I call Ben back up. Don't remember why. Just felt like talking to him. At this point I have left and come back to him too many times. I don't even know what exactly happened that night on the phone. But I remember it was bad. And that throughout the entire conversation I was on the website for this movie Sunshine, and was watching the solar flares of this animated sun.

Then some more time went by and I saw Matt again. Just briefly. We were going to watch a movie. During the movie he kept looking at his watch. Apparently he had more important things to do, so about 30 minutes into it I told him I could just go if he wanted me to. He didn't even protest, or say sorry. So I left. More crying.

THEN a few days after that. I called Ben up again and I was like OK. For real this time. And I meant it. He's such a cool guy and we have fun together so why not? I'm truly single now, there are no repercussions.

And since then Ben and I have been doing great. I enjoy it a lot.

Right now I am on vacation in Chicago with my family and yesterday I get bombarded with text messages on my phone. It's Matt. He's found himself. He wants me back. etc. I knew this was coming and I thought I was prepared for it.. but... ??? I dont know anymore.

What gets me is.. no apology or anything.

So I call him to talk about it. He asks me if I'm still with Ben. I say yes.
Asks me if I've had sex with him.
Yes.
Asks me if he was a better lover.
I said I don't know...
Asks me if I love him.
No. But I like him a lot and it wasn't a mistake.

Then he's got the nerve to tell me that now he's not so sure he wants to get back together with me.

I wish I would have responded to that with something strong, something smart. But all I could say when he said he needed time to think about it was "OK"

I am an idiot.

And right now.
I don't even know. I don't know if I want him back. I have been telling myself lately that I don't. We fought too much. He's selfish. Ben is great. Things are fine. I have been doing okay without him. I don't need him.

But then the "what if's" settle in. What if we can fix it. Sometimes a break is what you need to make things right. I believe that. What if he is what I need... his sense of logic helps me, his strength enforces me, and his dedication inspires me. The essence of him is what should matter... right? Not the petty things that can be fixed.

I just don't know.

And a hard part of it is Ben. After all I've put him through, how do I tell him I need time to think again? Can I get away with clearing my mind of things without telling him until I have to?

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I'm a mess.
A total wreck.

And I just keep on doing it to myself.

I am not slowing it down with Ben. I even told him I wanted to slow down. But then I just ignored the fact that I wanted to. And so did he, of course.

Last night I had a dream about Matt. He came over to see how I was doing. Ben was over and he was carrying this kid. It wasn't his kid, but he was carrying a kid.
Matt loves kids, and he acted like is typical self, going crazy over the little kid.
I just watched. Laughed a little.
Ben seemed annoyed. Matt seemed to ignore the fact that Ben was there.
I told Matt I needed to talk to him.
We stepped outside, just me and him.
I told him I was still in love with him,
and he told me he wasn't. And he started leaving.
I wanted to cry and scream and run after him... but I didn't because I didn't want leaving me to be too hard on him. "He's gone through enough" I thought.

I don't know what it means, but when I woke up I was feeling really weird. Then I checked my e-mail and I see that I have a myspace comment from Matt.
"how are you doing, Miss Ashley? just been thinkin' 'bout ya.."

This is all tearing me to pieces.

I just want to run away.

I am still totally in love with Matt. As much as I want to say I have been getting over it, and getting better, happier... It's just an excuse so that I don't feel pathetic. I haven't gone a day yet without thinking about him a little.

I am afraid we can't start talking again, I am afraid I will break down and spill my heart all over him.

You know it's not like it is in the movies,
When you're still in love with someone who left you, And they're leaving on a plane
So you go to the airport and chase them and spill your guts to them, you bleed out your heart for them, and they pick you up
hug you
and put all the pieces back together.

Sometimes you're still in love with someone...
And you'll never know if they love you back. You secretly hope that they do, but there's nothing that proves it one way or another.

It's not like in the movies where you can be at your worst... and they'll love you anyway.

You've just gotta fake your best and hope that one day you will start to fool yourself.

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I don't know anymore. I thought this could work but I'm having doubts.

I don't think I'm really going to tell anyone about this mess... It hurts to even think about.

But I gotta get it out.
I was at Ben's place tonight... we had a good time earlier in the day, went to the book store, and walked around arlington highlands a bit. It was nice. Relaxing, sweet. Then later at his place we started making out and one thing led to another.

And at one point I looked up at him and saw his eyes and the only words that were in my mind was something Matt said last time we spoke.
"My one hope for you is that you remember your body is sacred, and that you don't just let any guy have it."

And here I am. Doing exactly that. Don't get me wrong I don't think Ben is just "any guy"... I like him a lot. But I don't think we were ready for that. At least I wasn't. I don't even love him yet.

I'm starting to wonder if I even want to love again.

To add to the confusing array of feelings... after it was over, Ben tells me that he just lost his virginity to me. Fuuucckckkk.... I am a terrible terrible terrible horrible fucking evil person.

I knew I was moving way too fast with Ben. Way too fast. I'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry... I'm being a dumbass about everything and justifying it. Telling myself that other people are much worse about these things.

But I'm starting to realize that that's not what matters. What matters is how I feel. What I need. Regardless of other people.

Ugh I'm just so confused. I don't really want advice either. That just makes me feel more frustrated. I need to learn from my own mistakes.

Right now, at this very moment. I just want to confess my weaknesses.

I miss Matt. I miss him and it makes me want to cry.

On top of that I feel terrible about Ben. What I'm doing to the poor guy. He's falling for me and I am having these other feelings behind his back. I've already misled him once before.

I keep trying to tell myself that it's over between Matt and I. That I need to move on. But it's hard as hell. We had some good times. That boy and I... And we went through some hard times together as well. I miss his mannerisms. I miss his body. I miss his heart...

But then I think about how he's probably happier now. Focusing on his life, getting things together, rediscovering himself.
And that's all worth it. It's worth letting him go.
I want him to live the best life he can make for himself.

And I'll be fine in the long run.
It's just really hard right now.

and part of me just wants to die and get it all over with.

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Wow.

So yesterday I spent the day with Ben. I've been going into these things with my mind at a relaxed mindset. I'm not trying to impress him, I'm not trying to attract him, I've just been acting normal and feeling normal. Being myself... because it feels hella good to be myself.

We went to a park near his house and took a nice long walk. It was really hot out but... Nice. I don't even remember what all we talked about. Talking to him is wonderful, because we're already friends... we already know quite a bit about each other. We talk like we've known each other for years.

Well... I guess we HAVE known each other for a little over a year. But.. I guess I've never gone into a relationship with someone I was already friends with. Not without the intention of being more than friends anyway. It's really nice. I recommend it.

Anyway after the park we went back to his house and his parents were out by the pool. I said hello and stuff, and they invited me to stay and watch the basketball game with them. So I did. It was crazy. I've never actually sat and watched a basketball game before. It moves really fast. I like it. My family watches baseball.

Anyway I really like their family. I didn't get to meet his little sister though because she was away at camp.
So they turned the game off and we all watched the movie I brought over. Breach.

After the movie his parents went to sleep and Ben and I went back to his room. ;)
Lol...
I don't want to compare. but. Well. I won't compare...
Ben is just so sweet and gentleaksldkfajlsd.
That sounds like it was more than it was... It wasn't...
lets just say I am getting frustrated.
in a good way.
He looks at me with these EYES. It makes me lower my defenses... That's hard to do to me with just a look. I am not easily seduced.
It blows my mind how sweet and careful and intuitive he is. You don't see that on the outside.
He's also quiet and he thinks a lot. Which really gets my curiosity going. I probe him. I get very little. I think it's going to come down to letting my own thoughts out. Because I am the same way. I am slow to let go of my thoughts.

Every once in a while I get a twitch that this is wrong.
But I don't think it is.

Because most of the time when I am with him it feels right. It feels right like it's been sitting there, waiting to happen for a long while. And now it finally is.

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Well. Now what?
I sent Matt a text message last night (the first attempt at communication since we broke up). He owes me $40 in late fees on my account at the video store.
Here's how it went:

me: You owe $40 in late fees @ Hollywood. I can't have that on my account. I work there again, please go in and pay it. I'm off wed and thurs so that's a good time.

him: I can't pay it until next thursday, Andrew got me in some debt with his stupid habit, is that ok?

me: That's fine thanks.

*at this point I feel really bad for being a dick*

him: You are still up? How are you doin?

me: The text woke me up, heh. I'm good. I started at Hollywood today, I am taking math at TCC summer II, I got an apartment with Jose we move out Aug22. You?

him: I've been working a lot more, and spending a little more time with my uncle phil, I also go to feilder road baptist but am far from being a true protestant that believes in the new and old testament, and Andrew is still an idiot but I still love him. Oh and I stopped smoking... EVERYTHING

me: Wow, good for you. Life is crazy eh. Do you go to church with your uncle? I'm the same old me, more ambitious feeling perhaps. I want to thank you for being so smart about all this, I don't think I had the emotional balls, if you know what I mean.

Him: No I just got invited once and I liked it, I've always liked the feeling I get at church until they start pissing me off. Andrew, Matt and Steven all moved out a couple of weeks ago I decided not to move out with them, and I still take care of them. I know I shouldn't tell you this, but I miss you. And 40$? do I get the two movies that were late back?

me: lol, nope. If you would have kept em then we'd have something to work with. Although corp. already thinks I'm an asshole employee.

Him: They think that just because of $40? They can kiss your ass.

me: lol yeah. So why are you up this early?

Him: I'm taking Andrew to work, It's all part of the consequences of his bad habit

me: what's this bad habit?

Him: Well, let's just say that Andrew isn't drinking anymore.

me: Well shit, coke? worse? I'm assuming something happened to his car. sucks. Nikki got caught stealing. a $400 ticket.

*he sent this next one at the same time I replied with the above*

Him: Anyway, I'll let you get back to sleep, it was nice hearing from you.

me: you too.

*30 minutes later*

him: Blah! Stop being so weird, ashley!

me: how am I being weird?

him: I have a confession to make I could never remember which was your middle name, ann, or anne, so I rarely used it which I think worked out for you anyway because you never really liked it in the first place so nevermind.

me: you ARE being weird lol

him: you aren't. It's early I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to be somewhat weird. So chew on that... maybe spit it out and then put it back in your mouth and chew on it again.

me: lol well I'm runnin on 4 hours of sleep and I have a placement test at 12 for tcc. AND it just occured to my stomach I might be hungover :( chew on THAT

him: been drinkin huh?

me: unfortunately, my stomach is regretting it. lol

him: have you found another?
*a second later*
wait.
it's none of my business.

me: I am enjoying the summer for what it is.

him: you don't have to listen to this but my wish for you is that you know that your body is sacred and you don't let just any guy have you.

me: trust me I know these things.

him: that's why I still love you

me: what about you?

him:Just making new friends from work, Ashley to tell you the truth whenever I think about you my stomach turns because I know you aren't mine anymore. I guess I'm still not ready to talk to you yet.

me: I will always belong to myself and you can count on that.

him: yeah. Did you think I was a good boyfriend? be honest.

me: there is no such thing as a bad bf or gf. only bad relationships. it takes two. Ours was not bad at all. You learned a lot too right?

him: of course I loved it. And I believe in bad boyfriends and girlfriends

me: lol well what about the person staying with someone that doesn't make them happy. that's bad.

him: blah blah blah life is funny and crazy, Ashley, I really hope that in the very near future we become friends.

me: We will. I am really excited about life lately. Dunno what my major will be but I am loving school.

him: you are the only smart person I know.

me: haha thanks.

him: know what I wanna do? live in another state like new york, Richie a friend of mine came back from there for the summer and asked me if I wanted to go.

me: it would be a great experience. I would do it if I had the resources.

him: well the thing is he told me at first I would not need anything just a plane ticket and some clothes but I'm not sure, the cost of living is expensive there, and I would not know which books to bring.

me: lol yeah. I might go out there and work there for a summer some time and stay with my aunt. She has offered. next summer is Europe though.

him: whatcha doin there?

me: family vacation.

him: Lucky, Ashley, you will never stray too far from my heart and mind, I'll talk to you later

me: You too. Call me some time when you are ready and we will get lunch and catch up, kay?

him: sounds good.



WElllllllll. now what? haha. I don't know what to think about him missing me.
I don't want him back.
At least I don't think so.
I'll have to sit on that one for a little while.
What drastic things to hear. He quit smoking everything that he was smoking before, he goes to church now, and his brother has a drug problem, lost his car, and moved out with a couple of losers.
I think I just want to be single for the summer. Then go back to school and get my life in order. Where he'll fit in that scheme, I don't know yet.
And Ben... well, again, I just think I need to be single. I have been talking to him. Warning him. But I think I just need to stop talking to him altogether soon.
Well I am going back to bed I only got 4 hours of sleep so far.

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I am very bad at NOT sending mixed signals.
I feel kind of guilty about seeing this new guy, Ben. But at the same time I really like what's going on. It's been good.

The talking is good, and even a little making out has been good.
But when the moment moves from playfully joking around and having fun, to serious eye contact and what seems to be a moment of deeper introspection...

I just feel confused.
I like him as a person. A whole lot, he's a very cool guy. We connect on more than just an external level, I think... It's just..
I've only ever looked at one person like he looks at me.

And it's really hard for me to see that without wanting to tear up.

I don't want to fall in love right now. I also don't need to be doing that to myself or anyone else any time soon.

I need to tell him how I feel.
Letting him know could do good for the both of us... it's just...

really

really

hard.

:(

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