I'm a mess.
A total wreck.

And I just keep on doing it to myself.

I am not slowing it down with Ben. I even told him I wanted to slow down. But then I just ignored the fact that I wanted to. And so did he, of course.

Last night I had a dream about Matt. He came over to see how I was doing. Ben was over and he was carrying this kid. It wasn't his kid, but he was carrying a kid.
Matt loves kids, and he acted like is typical self, going crazy over the little kid.
I just watched. Laughed a little.
Ben seemed annoyed. Matt seemed to ignore the fact that Ben was there.
I told Matt I needed to talk to him.
We stepped outside, just me and him.
I told him I was still in love with him,
and he told me he wasn't. And he started leaving.
I wanted to cry and scream and run after him... but I didn't because I didn't want leaving me to be too hard on him. "He's gone through enough" I thought.

I don't know what it means, but when I woke up I was feeling really weird. Then I checked my e-mail and I see that I have a myspace comment from Matt.
"how are you doing, Miss Ashley? just been thinkin' 'bout ya.."

This is all tearing me to pieces.

I just want to run away.

I am still totally in love with Matt. As much as I want to say I have been getting over it, and getting better, happier... It's just an excuse so that I don't feel pathetic. I haven't gone a day yet without thinking about him a little.

I am afraid we can't start talking again, I am afraid I will break down and spill my heart all over him.

You know it's not like it is in the movies,
When you're still in love with someone who left you, And they're leaving on a plane
So you go to the airport and chase them and spill your guts to them, you bleed out your heart for them, and they pick you up
hug you
and put all the pieces back together.

Sometimes you're still in love with someone...
And you'll never know if they love you back. You secretly hope that they do, but there's nothing that proves it one way or another.

It's not like in the movies where you can be at your worst... and they'll love you anyway.

You've just gotta fake your best and hope that one day you will start to fool yourself.

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I don't know anymore. I thought this could work but I'm having doubts.

I don't think I'm really going to tell anyone about this mess... It hurts to even think about.

But I gotta get it out.
I was at Ben's place tonight... we had a good time earlier in the day, went to the book store, and walked around arlington highlands a bit. It was nice. Relaxing, sweet. Then later at his place we started making out and one thing led to another.

And at one point I looked up at him and saw his eyes and the only words that were in my mind was something Matt said last time we spoke.
"My one hope for you is that you remember your body is sacred, and that you don't just let any guy have it."

And here I am. Doing exactly that. Don't get me wrong I don't think Ben is just "any guy"... I like him a lot. But I don't think we were ready for that. At least I wasn't. I don't even love him yet.

I'm starting to wonder if I even want to love again.

To add to the confusing array of feelings... after it was over, Ben tells me that he just lost his virginity to me. Fuuucckckkk.... I am a terrible terrible terrible horrible fucking evil person.

I knew I was moving way too fast with Ben. Way too fast. I'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry... I'm being a dumbass about everything and justifying it. Telling myself that other people are much worse about these things.

But I'm starting to realize that that's not what matters. What matters is how I feel. What I need. Regardless of other people.

Ugh I'm just so confused. I don't really want advice either. That just makes me feel more frustrated. I need to learn from my own mistakes.

Right now, at this very moment. I just want to confess my weaknesses.

I miss Matt. I miss him and it makes me want to cry.

On top of that I feel terrible about Ben. What I'm doing to the poor guy. He's falling for me and I am having these other feelings behind his back. I've already misled him once before.

I keep trying to tell myself that it's over between Matt and I. That I need to move on. But it's hard as hell. We had some good times. That boy and I... And we went through some hard times together as well. I miss his mannerisms. I miss his body. I miss his heart...

But then I think about how he's probably happier now. Focusing on his life, getting things together, rediscovering himself.
And that's all worth it. It's worth letting him go.
I want him to live the best life he can make for himself.

And I'll be fine in the long run.
It's just really hard right now.

and part of me just wants to die and get it all over with.

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Wow.

So yesterday I spent the day with Ben. I've been going into these things with my mind at a relaxed mindset. I'm not trying to impress him, I'm not trying to attract him, I've just been acting normal and feeling normal. Being myself... because it feels hella good to be myself.

We went to a park near his house and took a nice long walk. It was really hot out but... Nice. I don't even remember what all we talked about. Talking to him is wonderful, because we're already friends... we already know quite a bit about each other. We talk like we've known each other for years.

Well... I guess we HAVE known each other for a little over a year. But.. I guess I've never gone into a relationship with someone I was already friends with. Not without the intention of being more than friends anyway. It's really nice. I recommend it.

Anyway after the park we went back to his house and his parents were out by the pool. I said hello and stuff, and they invited me to stay and watch the basketball game with them. So I did. It was crazy. I've never actually sat and watched a basketball game before. It moves really fast. I like it. My family watches baseball.

Anyway I really like their family. I didn't get to meet his little sister though because she was away at camp.
So they turned the game off and we all watched the movie I brought over. Breach.

After the movie his parents went to sleep and Ben and I went back to his room. ;)
Lol...
I don't want to compare. but. Well. I won't compare...
Ben is just so sweet and gentleaksldkfajlsd.
That sounds like it was more than it was... It wasn't...
lets just say I am getting frustrated.
in a good way.
He looks at me with these EYES. It makes me lower my defenses... That's hard to do to me with just a look. I am not easily seduced.
It blows my mind how sweet and careful and intuitive he is. You don't see that on the outside.
He's also quiet and he thinks a lot. Which really gets my curiosity going. I probe him. I get very little. I think it's going to come down to letting my own thoughts out. Because I am the same way. I am slow to let go of my thoughts.

Every once in a while I get a twitch that this is wrong.
But I don't think it is.

Because most of the time when I am with him it feels right. It feels right like it's been sitting there, waiting to happen for a long while. And now it finally is.

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Well. Now what?
I sent Matt a text message last night (the first attempt at communication since we broke up). He owes me $40 in late fees on my account at the video store.
Here's how it went:

me: You owe $40 in late fees @ Hollywood. I can't have that on my account. I work there again, please go in and pay it. I'm off wed and thurs so that's a good time.

him: I can't pay it until next thursday, Andrew got me in some debt with his stupid habit, is that ok?

me: That's fine thanks.

*at this point I feel really bad for being a dick*

him: You are still up? How are you doin?

me: The text woke me up, heh. I'm good. I started at Hollywood today, I am taking math at TCC summer II, I got an apartment with Jose we move out Aug22. You?

him: I've been working a lot more, and spending a little more time with my uncle phil, I also go to feilder road baptist but am far from being a true protestant that believes in the new and old testament, and Andrew is still an idiot but I still love him. Oh and I stopped smoking... EVERYTHING

me: Wow, good for you. Life is crazy eh. Do you go to church with your uncle? I'm the same old me, more ambitious feeling perhaps. I want to thank you for being so smart about all this, I don't think I had the emotional balls, if you know what I mean.

Him: No I just got invited once and I liked it, I've always liked the feeling I get at church until they start pissing me off. Andrew, Matt and Steven all moved out a couple of weeks ago I decided not to move out with them, and I still take care of them. I know I shouldn't tell you this, but I miss you. And 40$? do I get the two movies that were late back?

me: lol, nope. If you would have kept em then we'd have something to work with. Although corp. already thinks I'm an asshole employee.

Him: They think that just because of $40? They can kiss your ass.

me: lol yeah. So why are you up this early?

Him: I'm taking Andrew to work, It's all part of the consequences of his bad habit

me: what's this bad habit?

Him: Well, let's just say that Andrew isn't drinking anymore.

me: Well shit, coke? worse? I'm assuming something happened to his car. sucks. Nikki got caught stealing. a $400 ticket.

*he sent this next one at the same time I replied with the above*

Him: Anyway, I'll let you get back to sleep, it was nice hearing from you.

me: you too.

*30 minutes later*

him: Blah! Stop being so weird, ashley!

me: how am I being weird?

him: I have a confession to make I could never remember which was your middle name, ann, or anne, so I rarely used it which I think worked out for you anyway because you never really liked it in the first place so nevermind.

me: you ARE being weird lol

him: you aren't. It's early I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to be somewhat weird. So chew on that... maybe spit it out and then put it back in your mouth and chew on it again.

me: lol well I'm runnin on 4 hours of sleep and I have a placement test at 12 for tcc. AND it just occured to my stomach I might be hungover :( chew on THAT

him: been drinkin huh?

me: unfortunately, my stomach is regretting it. lol

him: have you found another?
*a second later*
wait.
it's none of my business.

me: I am enjoying the summer for what it is.

him: you don't have to listen to this but my wish for you is that you know that your body is sacred and you don't let just any guy have you.

me: trust me I know these things.

him: that's why I still love you

me: what about you?

him:Just making new friends from work, Ashley to tell you the truth whenever I think about you my stomach turns because I know you aren't mine anymore. I guess I'm still not ready to talk to you yet.

me: I will always belong to myself and you can count on that.

him: yeah. Did you think I was a good boyfriend? be honest.

me: there is no such thing as a bad bf or gf. only bad relationships. it takes two. Ours was not bad at all. You learned a lot too right?

him: of course I loved it. And I believe in bad boyfriends and girlfriends

me: lol well what about the person staying with someone that doesn't make them happy. that's bad.

him: blah blah blah life is funny and crazy, Ashley, I really hope that in the very near future we become friends.

me: We will. I am really excited about life lately. Dunno what my major will be but I am loving school.

him: you are the only smart person I know.

me: haha thanks.

him: know what I wanna do? live in another state like new york, Richie a friend of mine came back from there for the summer and asked me if I wanted to go.

me: it would be a great experience. I would do it if I had the resources.

him: well the thing is he told me at first I would not need anything just a plane ticket and some clothes but I'm not sure, the cost of living is expensive there, and I would not know which books to bring.

me: lol yeah. I might go out there and work there for a summer some time and stay with my aunt. She has offered. next summer is Europe though.

him: whatcha doin there?

me: family vacation.

him: Lucky, Ashley, you will never stray too far from my heart and mind, I'll talk to you later

me: You too. Call me some time when you are ready and we will get lunch and catch up, kay?

him: sounds good.



WElllllllll. now what? haha. I don't know what to think about him missing me.
I don't want him back.
At least I don't think so.
I'll have to sit on that one for a little while.
What drastic things to hear. He quit smoking everything that he was smoking before, he goes to church now, and his brother has a drug problem, lost his car, and moved out with a couple of losers.
I think I just want to be single for the summer. Then go back to school and get my life in order. Where he'll fit in that scheme, I don't know yet.
And Ben... well, again, I just think I need to be single. I have been talking to him. Warning him. But I think I just need to stop talking to him altogether soon.
Well I am going back to bed I only got 4 hours of sleep so far.

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I am very bad at NOT sending mixed signals.
I feel kind of guilty about seeing this new guy, Ben. But at the same time I really like what's going on. It's been good.

The talking is good, and even a little making out has been good.
But when the moment moves from playfully joking around and having fun, to serious eye contact and what seems to be a moment of deeper introspection...

I just feel confused.
I like him as a person. A whole lot, he's a very cool guy. We connect on more than just an external level, I think... It's just..
I've only ever looked at one person like he looks at me.

And it's really hard for me to see that without wanting to tear up.

I don't want to fall in love right now. I also don't need to be doing that to myself or anyone else any time soon.

I need to tell him how I feel.
Letting him know could do good for the both of us... it's just...

really

really

hard.

:(

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It's been about a month and a half since I've last talked to, or heard from Matt. That's the longest we've ever been apart since we met 3 years ago.

Some days have been going by where I hardly think of him at all anymore. The days have been good, I have been happy. I have been strong.

But I have been going through all my old stuff recently because I am moving soon, and all these little things just keep reminding me of "us". Pictures, and concert tickets... 3 years worth of stuff.
He got back on my mind and the question occurred to me; if he were to call me up and ask for me back... what would I say?

I think, "If I have been able to be okay with the idea of never being with him again for the past few weeks, I can totally get over this. I am strong enough." But with that said, what if it's not about how strong my willpower is... Have I really thought hard enough about whether or not I still love him? I do still love him. It's a kind of love strong enough to let go, because that's what he wants. Perhaps even what he needs.

On another note:

I have been talking to an old coworker that I almost had a fling with a while back.

A few nights ago he asked me about Matt and how I feel about everything. I told him that I don't know if I'm completely over it, but that I'm trying. I also told him I really didn't want to get into anything serious for a while. But also that I really like him, and I don't want to hurt him either.

He seemed to understand.

The thing is, I really do like him. You know, not just 'cause he's nice and comforting to me and I'm in a weak state right now. He's a pretty interesting guy we always seem to have plenty to talk about, and on top of that there is definitely some physical chemistry when I am with him.

I know it's gonna end in disaster if I'm not careful, and take enough space for myself. It's delicate. I am fragile right now.

So I am trying to be as healthy in all this as possible.


I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
you can speak of anger and doubts, your fears and freakouts and I'll hold it
you can share your so called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
you can ask for space for yourself and only yourself, and I'll grant it
you can ask for freedom as well or time to travel, and you'll have it
you can ask to live by yourself or love someone else, and I'll support it
you can ask for anything you want anything at all, and I'll understand it
you can express your deepest of truths and even if it means I'll loose you, and I'll hear it
you can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
you can say that you'll have to skip town to chase your passion and I'll hear it
you can even hit rock bottom have a mid life crisis, and I'll hold it
and there are no strings attached
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return.
I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it, that there really is.

I just hope that the next person who I let hold my heart in their hands...
will take advantage of the incredible quality of love that I give.

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