dragon queen yeah yeah yeahs its blitz. yes.

I don't like how exposing facebook feels. I dont know why blogs don't feel as exposing. maybe because I have control in the moment of what I express. I dunno. Also my parents, relatives, coworkers and past/present classmates all have access to my facebook. I feel like the internet isn't a special place where I want to be anymore. It's like TV. When it first came out it was amazing to everyone and families would schedule events together to sit and watch TV, and now 80 years later it alienates families. Granted the internet has only been around for like 10, but time also moves faster now. When the internet came out it was amazing because it became a venue for fast uncensored unbias free communication. Its not so much like that anymore. The FCC needs to get it together. srsly.

my pets are adorable. I can't stop thinking that/telling everyone about it. I am going to be awful when I have kids. I tell everyone that I am never going to have kids. I am lying. I wonder why I do that.

It's bills season. suck city.

I am in a social mood tonight but I have to get up way early. hate it when that happens.

I am sweepy.

red house painters.

I am going to make a point from now on when blogging here or elsewhere to mention my current jamz.

LOVE this new house. Pretty much just getting reacquainted with what it's like to live in a house as opposed to an apartment. and I love it. New landlord is the chillest ever. I think the landlord kinda makes or breaks the living arrangement. Well and room mates. But I love my room mates. I thought it would make me hate Aaron at first but I don't at all. Love that guy. And John is pretty cool. He's never around though. Always have one of those I guess.

anyway I really am sweepy.

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IT IS CALLED FEAR AND IT'S SEEING A GREAT RENAISSANCE

This level of happiness really is beyond my comprehension.

I've been through so much emotional trauma recently, yet I'm coming out of this depression that I've been stuck in for about a year and a half. Maybe that's what it takes? Although I think that if it wasn't for Doug I'd be even worse off at this point.

I love him. I more than love him. It feels so fresh, new, real. And he hasn't really done anything directly to change me except to love me back, which is perhaps the purest way to be a catalyst for change. Sure, Ben loved me back... but not in the ways that I needed. He loved me because I was his first love.

This kind of love is nothing like love has ever been for me in the past. NOT that I would ever denigrate any of my past loves, they all mean so much to me and have shaped me into who I am today... But this love is a kind of love I wasn't even aware existed until it started happening. It feels adult. That's the best way I could describe it. As if this is what real, honest, mature love is supposed to feel like. Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that I was always the first love for the others. But I am ready to move on from that, because the distinction between first love and true love is probably an important one to make.

I have also been a lot stronger of a person in recent months than I ever have been. I have forced myself to look inwards and make important changes in my life, and honesty just makes everything feel better... more authentic. Adult.

Dealing with the abortion has been tumultuous. I had to make that decision so quickly and be confident that it was the right one. But I have little regret about it. Other than that of my own irresponsibility in preventing myself from having to go through that decision making process. I was fairly confident in my political stance on that issue, and now my actions as they turned out in such a reactionary mode have confirmed it.

When I found out, I went to Meredith first. She was the perfect person to go to because of her amazing ability to unbiasly present all sides of an argument (although Meredith and I tend to butt heads as room mates, intellectually we get along like no other). Doug was the only other person I told before making my decision. Because I, of course, felt that he should have been able to be involved in the decision making process. Although I was already leaning towards abortion, together we decided it would be the best thing for both our futures.

I really am OK now. More than OK. Very optimistic about my new future, and new found passion for being ALIVE!

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I had a panic attack/almost a seizure the other night. I made Meredith stay up with me for a few hours, we almost went to the hospital. It happened twice. I was shaking so bad I couldn't speak or walk or hold a glass of water. I was sweating and my chest was tightening up, then every once in a while these cold, sharp waves of pain shot through my body. My body hates me. I didn't cry.

I'm alone in these crowded places. Even my apartment is crowded now. It's nice to know so many people love you, but when you know they don't really know you that well, it's hard to feel as good.

Someday I'll learn how to let go and be myself.

Doug might still be in love with his ex. That's OK with me. I think. They dated for 2 years, then were off and on for another year which ended in May. That's not that long ago. Oh well. I don't ask about it because it's not my business.

I do want to be loved, though. Ben loved me. But I didn't love him. That's always how it works, unfortunately. Love is fickle. Or it can be if you don't know how to do it right...

I think I can see how to do it right, but I can also see how hard that is to do.

I don't believe in marriage. And commitment at this point is just unrealistic, too young. Too restless. Too unstable, too incredibly unstable. Young love is sweet because it's naive, but I imagine a love where two people truly learn to understand and coexist with one another is way way better. Ben and I came close to that at times, in the beginning. But you know... he wanted to settle down and although some weird instinct in me went along with that, but really... I don't. It will be quite a while before any settling occurs.

I'm still a little baby. I'm still never satisfied. And I won't give that up until it's the right time. Repressing feelings is never the way to go.

But, goddamnit Doug, call me back and give me some satisfaction, will ya???? I'm going loco here.

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I worry about whether or not this is a bad idea.

I suppose it doesn't matter. Everything is a grey area. I stay when I want to stay and I go home when I want to go home. That's perfect, right? He doesn't seem to mind, I don't seem to mind. We don't need to call it anything. Hell, it's summer.

People put way too much stock into the definitions of relationships. Living with Meredith has taught me to lay back and just let things be as they are. Granted we are both learning that lesson concurrently, but somehow being around her makes me realize and appreciate the way I am, or the way I am when I'm truly happy.

I'm 21. I'm a lost college kid. I'm not looking for another serious relationship, I've got much bigger ambitions to nurture. Not looking to get my heart broken, or break anyone else's. I don't want heart. Not yet. Been there, done that... twice. My heart is tired. It can't move. Paralyzed. Really, literally, exhausted.

And as far as him? He's in the same place. He's been there and done that too. So I don't need to walk on eggshells.
THANK GOD

Ben is a fantastic guy and our relationship was a deep well of emotion, and a great time... but he wore me out. He was intense. Dramatic. Wound tight... so I untied myself and was free.

I chit chatted with him on facebook the other night. Nothing serious at all, just giving him an update, told him about my wreck and just some trivial things about my dog and room mate. He called me immediately after, upset, saying "how dare you talk to me?"
I told him I was just trying to be friendly.
I said I didn't want to fight and he asked, "Why not?"
I sighed and said, "I just don't want to fight. It's not what I do. I'm done fighting you."

To him, if I wasn't intensely debating every aspect of our relationship it meant I didn't care. To me, the feelings I did have were diluted with these arguments, and there was so much pressure everywhere that it's no wonder I cracked. If there was any sort of lingering heartache over him, it's gone now. That conversation summed up exactly why I was done with that relationship.

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Now that you got everybody you consider sharp
all alone together in the dark
leave it all up in the air.

Internet works better at night. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Maybe the fact my room mate is gone and I'm the only one on it? New apartment rules. It's nice having an upstairs, and Meredith is a cool chick. We are different in a great many ways, however that is something I am OK with.

Been different since my last post (which I just read over). Ben and I are no more. I broke it off. It's sad, tragic, awful... but a long time coming. I don't want to talk about it.

I have felt broken. Unable to love, unable to even crush on anyone. I have been sorta dating this guy for a couple of weeks but got disenchanted. Because I can't feel anything anymore. The "relationship" thing is just second nature to me at this point... with no real meaning behind it, just habitual. But I've spent the last few days in this blur induced by marijuana, caffeine, alcohol and friends and in that blur tonight I felt was the epitome... or close to it at least. I just. I saw our friend Hunter and his boyfriend Michael on the couch at April's while we were all in a circle talking about zionists or something (I wasn't paying attention honestly) and they were just casually leaning on one another. Not cuddling obnoxiously, or making out.. just... being together. Subtly enjoying one another's company. It was so sweet. And perfect. I want that. I want someone who can do that. But I'm still not ready.

This guy I'm "dating" (if that's what you'll call it) is pretty awesome, though. He's attractive and smart and all that.. blah blah blah. I honestly don't know him that well yet. We'll see. We started too strong and I actually broke down about it (among other things) a week agoish. I had to drive down to my parents house to relax. ugh. sad times. BUT. Anyway, his name is Doug. He will come up again, probably.

Weird entry probably. CAUSE I'm drunk/have been drinking since 7pm and what is it... 3? Yeah. I did the same thing last night... and the night before... and the night before...

and the night before.

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Nutang has the online chat thing too now? Silly. SILLY!

I start Dominoes tomorrow. Usually I get kinda nervous about new jobs but I'm strangely apathetic about this one, although I'm sure that's a pretty wise approach. At least it's a source of income.

They cut my hours AGAIN at the clinic. Fuck 'em. Know a guy who works at a place that needs techs. I'm not really trained but I could convince them I'm competent I bet. I'll go up there sometime this week and talk to them. I would be ecstatic if I could get a tech job. I'd do that full time, or as close to it as possible and take some night classes to finish my bachelors.

Some people are supposed to start "life" with college. Some people aren't. Of all my friends I always thought I'd be one of the first ones with a degree and some sort of sense of success. Turns out I'm toiling away at who knows what, who knows where, working shit jobs in the mean time and getting high/drunk three days of the week. But what is success?

Is success a bachelors degree? a masters? PhD? happiness? I can't answer that. I have no idea. I feel I am happy but I do not feel successful. Not in the least. I mean I suppose I am away at school but who isn't? That to me is not a big accomplishment. Neither is a bachelors degree. Honestly! Aside from it being expensive, I think a monkey could get a bachelors. I went into college with delusions of professors being these god-like super beings with an infinite wisdom to pass along down a road of intellectually privileged individuals. Hah! Who was I kidding? A four-year university program is just high school round 2. Maybe it's different at hoity toity private schools but I doubt it, aside from the fact that everyone there is probably an opulent dick.

Anyway the summary of that is, I'd like to be a Vet Tech because that's a real job. It's nothing that will pay off my student loans, but something in me says that if I actually cared about my work, I might actually care about my school in order to advance further.

My apartment looks depressing. It's made of boxes. I was supposed to start moving this weekend but of course it didn't happen. I'm nowhere near done packing. I underestimated the amount of junk that two years of somewhat solitary living would accumulate.

Ben was over this weekend and we've been bickering about stupid shit a lot lately. When he stays with me I get territorial. It pisses me off when he sleeps in, and I am also touchy about my food. I was just writhing with ANGER as I saw him reach into my refrigerator for some of MY fried chicken leftovers. Ridiculous?

Yeah, These are stupid things. And they mean nothing. However I fear my "crazy" is finally starting to surface. It's been what, 2 years? Yeah, sounds about right. Hopefully I'll never get as bad as I once was... No.. I won't. There are some mistakes you don't learn from, but there are some you do. I love Ben And I'm not going to fuck this up. THIS IS PULLING SHIT TOGETHER TIME, not break it apart time! =)

I need to learn to breathe deeper and take walks. I have a dog for god's sake, I should at least be taking walks! Cesar Milan is right, the answer to all your problems is just to take walks, and practice calm dominant behavior.

SHHT!

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