You whispered to me, more than once, to never leave you. I stayed.
You told me later, that what you needed, was for me to be stronger. But what I didn't realize until it was too late, was that I needed to do that without you, and you needed to do this without me.

Now I have been pushing myself past boundaries of strength I never thought I could.

I have been living each day by my own principles. I have been seeing the beauty of the world through my own eyes and it makes me smile. It makes me smile from somewhere in me that belongs only to me, and I will never let that die.

What we were was important.
But what we will become is even more so...

It began longer ago than I would like to admit.

It was in an honest attempt to reach the real thing, something that we both still have faith exists. I know that. Something more than the tragedy of both sides straining so hard to meet a center that was not reachable. Something so climactic, Something that neither of us could imagine, but wanted so much for each other. The only way to get closer to what we both want, is to learn to let go. Let go...

The beauty of each moment will never grow ugly in my head.
The sanctity of what was, will never be voided. By either my words or my thoughts.


Silence.


Silence can hurt, but this pain is a kind of dignified pain that will lead to growth. I believe this is the silence of respect. And I am thankful for such a quiet strength to prevail.

I hope in the future, my words will not cloud my vision. I hope that I will learn to be honest, most importantly, with myself.

At this point in my life, this was the best thing you could have done for me, whether you knew it or not.

"I was happy in my harbor when you cut me loose
floating on an ocean and confused.
Winds are whipping waves up like skyscrapers
and the harder they hit me, the less I seem to bruise.
And then when I find the controls
I'll go where I like
I'll know where I want to be
but maybe for now I'll stay right here
on a silent sea."

I hope you are doing as well out there as me.

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blow out the candle I will burn again tomorrow
no man on earth can stand between my loving arms
and no matter how you hurt me, I will love you till I die

I keep trying to tell myself that I'm strong. I'll get over this.
I will be able to live a life without him.

It's hard. It's a kind of hard that I have never experienced in my life. It is the ultimate test of strength.

But no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I don't need him, that it was time to say goodbye... I just can't accept it.

Maybe that part just comes in time.

But I am not crying the hard, violent tears anymore. At least that is an improvement. But there are still tears.
Tears in the quiet moments that appear throughout the day.
These tears almost hurt worse.

Instead of missing the sweet tender look in his eyes, the way we slept with our backs touching under the covers, naked. Instead of missing the stupid faces he made to cheer me up. Instead of missing the sex...

I am now missing the way he loved. I am missing the masked intensity of his passion. I am greiving for the loss of the way his mind works.

I want to run to his house and look in his eyes and say I am sorry for all of the things I've ever said to him that hurt his pride.
I want to grab his face and tell him that this love may be my first love, but I want it to be my last.
I want to hold his hands in mine and tell him that I love every flaw in his character, every blemish on his soul. Everything I complained about in petty annoyance. I want him to know I REALLY love him.

But I can't.
And that feeling creates a soreness in my throat, tightens the muscles in my tear ducts.

If he feels the same

he will come back to me.

All I can do is try to move on.

inside and out,
backwards and forwards
with my heart hanging out
I love no other way

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It's Over.

Maybe it's the right thing
Maybe it's the best thing

Either way. It is what it is. Regardless of what I want it to be.

There's nothing I can do but be strong.

Be myself.
Either way I need a chance to be myself.

And by hanging onto hopes of what might be, what might have been... that's not going to get me anywhere.
I need to do what I've always needed to do. Let go.

But I can't look at him.
I can't hear his voice.
It all tears this gaping hole in my chest.
Rips apart the muscles beneath my eyes.

He really is one of the best friends I've ever made... but just not right now. I can't handle it.

And that's no one's fault. Not even mine.
It's just the nature of things. It's just how these things happen.

One thing I've always known about myself was that I am dependant. I hate admitting it. But this desertion brought it to my attention. I always need an obsession in my life.
I am stubborn and I don't get go of things easily.
I have engulfed myself in him. Too much. There is a point when you lose yourself and become just an appendage to someone else.
And now that he is gone...

I simply feel like a limb torn from the warm body that it was once part of.

Useless. Purposeless.

But I am smarter than to stay like that.
I am stronger than that. I have more dignity than that.

And it is this time that I will use to discover my own missing body.

I will miss what it was. Because in all honesty I loved it. I loved it so much.
I could have went on and on and on and on.
But it would have never been amazing.

And that's what we both deserve.
And maybe he's the stronger one for being able to admit that it never was what we both wanted. Needed.

Now I believe, at this point anyway, that it had the potential to be amazing. It needed work. And I believe we could have worked on it had we accepted it's flaws openly.
But who knows. Maybe we would have never done that.

One thing I think I will learn from this is not only a stronger sense of self-respect, but a stronger sense of respect for other people.
Because that is what I believe pushed it off the edge on the outside. I was a... brat. For lack of a better description. I was a bitch when I didn't get what I wanted.
That's a personality trait I will be glad to see go.
Trust me.
I hate it as much as he did.

I heard my room mate tell me something one of her friends said once...
That when you go through things... it's not so much that you're losing yourself, it's more like you're finding yourself. Finding out who you really are.
I like that.
I think it's true.

We'll see.

EDIT:

I sent him a copy of this post.
He replied:

You are beautiful, Ashley. I can't wait to see what you become in 10 years, 5 years, even a year from now... you have so much potential, as do I... this is just one of those things I think will help us grow as human beings. You couldn't have put it better in this post, and I couldn't have come close. So be strong, I'm sorry I haven't talked to you yet, and it's only because I feel like it isn't time. We need to be apart, and when we finally do meet again, let's try being friends. I would like that. But for now, stay amazing. Chin up, and smile, for yourself. Goodbye.

Matthew

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I know HOW to do this, it's just the actual act of doing it is what makes it hard.

I am not afraid he will not come back to me anymore.
It's just this waiting that is killing me.

I know he needs to spend a decent amount of time reflecting on himself, and also enjoying time alone and without me. And I totally support that. I agree that he needs it. He's been pretty wound up lately. I think it's his quarter-life-crisis.
He said he has a lot of things he needs to do. He's mentioned quitting cigarettes. He's also mentioned that he doesn't need pot anymore, that it's a childish phase of the past. And I know if I give him this time without interruption he will find his own inner strength, and follow through on what he wants.

But pour moi, mes amis, c'est tres difficile.

I am a woman. And as such, I cannot stop thinking about sinking back down in his arms and just enjoying each other's simple company and the level of comfortability we have achieved in our relationship.

It's not about the deep connection, or the butterflies when we get intimate.
We've done all that. We have all that.
There is no need to wonder about weather it's there or not, because it is, and it was established a long time ago.

It's been 3 years. 3 years exactly this month.

I just miss him. Plain and simple.

And I suppose I will take this time to enjoy the company of my own friends. Continue to live my life in the mean time.

It's all I can do, really.

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The sadness and acceptance of what I do not understand
is slowly blackening into anger.
But something in me wards off this evil reaction...
Strength is nessecary. Crucial.
And the strength that has presented itself
from my gut
has proven to be stronger, so far, than the expectations of my head.
The quiet wisdom in the heart of my essence
whispers gently to my tearing capillaries
such words I did not know were within me
such words of stamina
patience
and most importantly
love.

You see the nature of love is unexpected.
There is no formula or calculation
to predict the outcome.
There is no refuge
from the agony of ruin.
There is no lyric, script or song that can be used to describe
the workings of love.

There is only hope.
There is only time.
There is only truth.
and there is only reality.

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It really hurt to cancel our vacation reservations. The girl on the phone asked me if I wanted to just change the date, or cancel for sure. And when I said I just needed to cancel it altogether I almost cried.

Don't tell anyone but I drove by his house on the nights he said he'd call me. And he wasn't home. I know where he was. He was probably at Paul and Donnie's house.

I've never liked them. They do crack.
They're also boring as hell. Every time I'd go over there we would just sit and watch tv and smoke pot.

Now that I think about it. All of his friends are losers.. I'm not saying they're "bad" people.. they're just losers.

Why can't he just meet some inspired, motivated people? I think that would affect him positively.

He is an ambitious person on the inside, but he has become lazy, and honestly I think it is his friends.

And as much as I want to put the blame for this on his friends... I doubt it's them alone that made him do this.

I am too much. I am too emotional. I am too crazy, and I've been hurting him without even thinking about it.

And that pressure put him from my emotions, and his friends constantly telling him that he doesn't need me. That I only do bad things for him...
I think that combined is what did it.

There's nothing I can do now but wait.
And try to change the parts of me that I've always wanted to improve, but have been too lazy to.
and wait some more.

Maybe cut off my hair.

and just wait.

and hope...

that our hearts will grow
and sometime re-unite.

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