The sadness and acceptance of what I do not understand
is slowly blackening into anger.
But something in me wards off this evil reaction...
Strength is nessecary. Crucial.
And the strength that has presented itself
from my gut
has proven to be stronger, so far, than the expectations of my head.
The quiet wisdom in the heart of my essence
whispers gently to my tearing capillaries
such words I did not know were within me
such words of stamina
patience
and most importantly
love.

You see the nature of love is unexpected.
There is no formula or calculation
to predict the outcome.
There is no refuge
from the agony of ruin.
There is no lyric, script or song that can be used to describe
the workings of love.

There is only hope.
There is only time.
There is only truth.
and there is only reality.

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It really hurt to cancel our vacation reservations. The girl on the phone asked me if I wanted to just change the date, or cancel for sure. And when I said I just needed to cancel it altogether I almost cried.

Don't tell anyone but I drove by his house on the nights he said he'd call me. And he wasn't home. I know where he was. He was probably at Paul and Donnie's house.

I've never liked them. They do crack.
They're also boring as hell. Every time I'd go over there we would just sit and watch tv and smoke pot.

Now that I think about it. All of his friends are losers.. I'm not saying they're "bad" people.. they're just losers.

Why can't he just meet some inspired, motivated people? I think that would affect him positively.

He is an ambitious person on the inside, but he has become lazy, and honestly I think it is his friends.

And as much as I want to put the blame for this on his friends... I doubt it's them alone that made him do this.

I am too much. I am too emotional. I am too crazy, and I've been hurting him without even thinking about it.

And that pressure put him from my emotions, and his friends constantly telling him that he doesn't need me. That I only do bad things for him...
I think that combined is what did it.

There's nothing I can do now but wait.
And try to change the parts of me that I've always wanted to improve, but have been too lazy to.
and wait some more.

Maybe cut off my hair.

and just wait.

and hope...

that our hearts will grow
and sometime re-unite.

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oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung
beore the takeover, the sweeping insensitivity
of this still life

--

Life is weird as hell.

It's hard to know where I'm going, and even harder to know where I'm coming from.
Have things truely lost the beauty, the poetry they once held?
or
Have my eyes been blurred by the criss-crossed grid of expectations, and worldly pressures in my line of vision?

I used to sweep through my days with such quiet observation. I used to set my ego aside and breathe in the air as it is.
I used to speak such sweet whispers of understanding.
People used to be curious of me.
I used to have a secret universe of passion and wonder behind my eyes...
and I used to share that with anyone who inquired about it.

Where have I gone?

I want it back not just for the people that will just simply pass by me.
I want it back for the people who have changed ME.

For one person in particular. One person that I love the deepest...

yeah. I go deeper...

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this apartment shit is stresssssing me out!

I could live with the lamest people ever in a pretty nice place for good money. And their parents pay all their shit for them so I won't have to worry about skipping out on rent etc. But they want to make a desicion like... NOW.

or I could ditch them and hang on the hope of rooming with one of my best friends who is still unsure of her finatial ability to move out.

OR there is this awesome girl I know who is getting a place in May, and she invited me like... months ago. plus she is 22. helll yeah.
but I have to go home to fill some requirements at the community college there.
she DID however tell me to keep in touch because she needs someone in August.

OR (and this is the least preferable) I could be stuck in the dorms for another year if I don't fucking make up my mind.

WHAT DO I DO???

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park by the fence away from suspicion
in our coat pockets cans of liquid
walk along the air is cold and thin
when will we get there?
don't fall of the cliff
then
crouching in a circle, six
us, in a crude hut of sticks twigs and
plastic lining the walls to keep the wind
modern poverty
tragedy as beauty?
sky as dark and full as our pupils
pinpoint stars were the cities on a map
rusty old camping grill hot with ash
blow a little harder feed the passion
speak quietly
the woods are shallow
choking now on suburban cleanliness
synthetic air smells so numb
breathe in smoke swirling
fantastic forms floating by
trying to connect
to worlds now dead
a hopeless plight?
I thought it might

be.

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I don't know what I'm doing in college. That fact makes me laugh sometimes.

I like that I feel somewhat on my own, and that my choices about how to live are limitless at this point.
but with each choice the number of following choices divides in half... and it dwindles on down the line until I'm stuck somewhere. And I've gotta hope that where I end up is where I will be happy.

It's a gamble.

I am either going to switch my major to film, or minor in it. Depending on how my portfolio review this spring goes.

I think it will be good to have a background in graphic design in the film industry. A lot of the same concepts are applicable.

I haven't told my parents yet because they want me to minor in something usefull like Business or Advertising.
But that sounds so boring. I may take a class or two in business... but I dont want to minor in it. Such an excuse for a mundane life, I think.

My biggest problem is caring. it's hard for me to care about school.
And something like business is NOT going to help that happen. I need to stimulate myself.

And I need something MORE than these basic drawing and design classes I'm in right now. The people I've met through it are cool... but I hardly ever feel inspired.

I think I understand the basic priciples of gestalt, and the components of a good composition. that's why I'm here. I understand the science of it and I enjoy it...
now let me APPlY it.

so that's my school rant.

My social life is improving lately. I enjoy my friends in class but our relationships don't seem to extend past that. I don't mind much, though.

That is all probably cause to my social efforts all being aimed at Matthew. But honestly I am getting better. I think we are finally getting over the addiction stage... and into something much more... freeing.
Honestly I thought my moving an hour away would cause this to happen months ago... but we're just both such addictive personalities.

Well, I have plenty to do...
so I will bid you adieu, nutang.

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