I feel like writing, yet... I don't. Know what I mean?

Matt has been coming by my apartment frequently lately, so finally on Tuesday I told him quite literally that it's over and he has no chance with me.
He got teary-eyed and left, I sent him off with a hug and a CD I thought he would like.

I still feel like a cold hearted bitch. It's hard... this stuff.

On the other hand my feelings for Ben are getting stronger all the time, yet his anxiety keeps him from being able to see me. Which is frustrating to say the least. I am not a patient person, but I'm trying.

School is going OK, as always. My grades are in the B range so... that's acceptable I guess. The only classes I actually like are physical anth, and cultural geography. The rest are boring.

Money still sucks I'm having the hardest time finding a job out here. Since it's a college town I'm not the only one out there searching so the competition is rough. This weekend sometime I think I am going to go out to some of the smaller towns around Denton and apply at random places there. My loans still haven't come in and things are getting really tight. I really hope this all works out.

And in my abundance of free time (since potential employers keep evading me) I have been watching TV, playing with my new kitten, reading poetry books from the library, and eating ramen noodles wishing they were a 3 course steak dinner.

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I had always wondered why we spent so much time in high school english class making sure everyone knew what "irony" meant. Now I reminisce back to the days when irony was just a literary device, and nothing more.

You say, "I'm sorry I know this is selfish but I don't care I'm going to be selfish anyway, I miss you and I love you."

And I want to say, "Ah yes. Love - always selfish, twisted and unkind. I have always loved you and missed you. Yeah I know, you thought you were doing this for me. And really, it did change me, and it did change me for the better, but not in the ways you thought you were helping. I changed myself for the better. I didn't have to do it without you. It was on my agenda of things to do. Honest."

I want to say, "I had cried for you thicker tears than you could imagine, and look here you are... five months later at my doorstep telling me you're sorry for all the wrong things. And you know, honestly, I would like nothing better than a picture perfect ending. I've fantasized about it. This night. Your return. But you know, in those five months I grew far more than either of us had anticipated; I learned that maybe these storybook endings didn't exist in one form or another. Maybe to get happiness we have to experience tragedy, maybe we have to work hard for just a little payoff. Maybe in the end the beauty of the story doesn't matter at all, maybe just the honesty."

I wanted to say those things, I really did.
But all I could gather together from the air particles floating around my mouth was,
"Well, it's getting late. I'm gonna go to sleep here in a bit, so I'll talk to you later."

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I was at a party being a social recluse as always, and while the rowdy kids in the living room were dancing around in strobe light and waving their glow sticks, I sat alone on a small white couch perpendicular to the kitchen. This wasn't really my kind of crowd. Trying not to mope too much, I make small talk with a few of the people stumbling in and out of the kitchen to get more drinks. In between strangers my phone buzzes. I take it out and look at the name above the little animated phone on the LCD screen.
I shiver.
It's Matt.

I sigh a little and then answer. He's got nothing out of the ordinary to say, as usual, but he's been thinking about me lately and wants to visit me this Friday. I say OK. And really, the only thing I am not OK with is the lack of discussion that has gone on about... well... anything regarding our relationship and why is it exactly that we haven't talked in a few months. Oh well I guess I'll see what's up on Friday. I have no idea what he's been thinking about, and really he has no idea what I've been up to either. It's so strange not being involved in his life, but I have let myself go ahead and accept that. Not sure there was much more to it except that I wasn't going to sit there and cry over him any longer.

I talk Ben about all this sometimes and he's totally understanding. Which amazes me, maybe because I'm just not used to that kind of acceptance. Or perhaps he's just naive? Whatever it is, I'm glad it doesn't bother him... because it doesn't need to.

In all honesty I have mixed feelings about seeing him Friday. I'm kind of excited, kind of dreading it.

We'll see.

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I live across the street from a cemetery, it's a big one too. Every morning on my way to the bus stop I walk right next to it, usually with headphones on (I'm not a big fan of the loud traffic noise that accompanies busy streets). You'd think such scenery would sink me down into a feeling of pity, sadness and whatever it else is that normal people feel when observing this symbolism of death. But what I feel is a little different. It's a reflective feeling, no doubt, but a cemetery is actually a very soothing style of landscaping if you really think about it. A wide open field with no interruptions save for these small, somewhat uniform, stones protruding from the surface. I look at it and as the breeze rushes by me in just the right direction, and I feel no sadness or grief, but I let out a great sigh of relief. I'm not too sure why I react this way but it's such a pleasant, peaceful part of my morning walk.

What I like about the bus is that there are always so many people, and most of them look just as sleepy as I do. 7:30am, It's one of the few times of day where so many 20-somethings can congregate together and be so silent. I often wonder what living in a college town is like if you are not a student, or not of the typical college age. Probably awkward, you probably feel like such an outsider. I even feel like a little bit of an outsider sometimes. Then again, who doesn't? Life is intimidating.

Once I'm on campus I've still got quite a way to walk to get to my first class. And since it's a little bit of a walk I have time to reflect for a little while. This morning I must have been glowing as much on the outside as I had felt like I was inside because every stranger I passed seemed to be smiling, and once I realized that, I realized I was smiling too. Everything has been going just right, and I suppose that's what they say happens after everything goes wrong. But who believes that stuff until it actually happens... really?

Creating a life for yourself is quite an undertaking I've learned, but worth every bit of effort. My ambition is widening, and I don't feel trapped by my circumstances in any way. I feel liberated. I have the freedom to do whatever I want, in all reality. The only drawback to the things I want is money... but I have decided that it's okay to spend money... even money that is borrowed, because money is not real, it does not exist in the wide scheme of what really matters. The things that I want to experience belong to no one. I belong to no one, and material wealth belongs to no one. If giving in to this game of money is what it takes to get me there because that's how everyone else believes things should work, then so be it. Because money really means little to me. Simply paper dollars and metal coins that can do nothing but be exchanged. Money cannot stifle the excitement and ambition I have about this life I'm living.

Instead of lecturing about Geography, this morning my professor told us about a trip he is taking this summer and is inviting 12 students to accompany him. They are going to the British Isles for about 2 weeks and studying the cultural/economic geography of the land. It's about $3,500. It's not the first time an opportunity like this has come up in school. Not this one, but I would like to take one of these trips sometime. And if I continue to feel the way I do about Physical Anthropology at the end of this semester, perhaps even more opportunities will arise there.

For right now I live in a small apartment complex that looks pretty shabby on the outside, but we made a nice little place for ourselves inside. It's the kind of place where no one ever has their blinds open because the view is nothing to brag about, it's the kind of place where you don't quite trust the deadbolt lock on the front door because sometimes it opens anyway even when it is locked, but this is the place where I live, and I like it. My room mate is a gay guy I met in creative writing class during high school 2 years ago. We were never really friends much and only started talking again at the end of last year, but we get along incredibly well. I'm broke and jobless at the moment, and the loan I took out to help me with this has not arrived yet so I'm at a stalemate as far as money. But I like it, it's a means of living and most importantly: I chose this.

I chose this life, and the feeling I get from the freedom of being able to continue making decisions that make me happy is just incredible. Beyond words.

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There is more to a successful relationship than being in love.
And if you don't agree with that, you've never been in a committed relationship.

It takes a lot of time and effort to call an ex an "ex" with confidence, at least for me. But I think now I can finally say it and feel alright about it. Reading over my past posts I think about the progress I've made. I think I have done a pretty good job. I can see the confusion, but I think I knew all along the end result of this; It's amazing how powerful denial and habit can be.

What I realize now is that it was not love, or lack of love that broke Matt and I apart. It was simply that we both wanted different things from life. We both wanted to move in different directions. I still love him, and I believe pretty securely that he still loves me, it's just that we didn't work out. The confusing part was differentiating those two ideas. I had always thought one didn't come without the other. However, I know now that that's not true at all. Our love was strong, incredibly strong, and I realize that that's what made all this so hard. But despite our love sometimes we just did not get along, and became so frustrated with one another because what each of us wanted out of life was very different.

When I think about our relationship and everything that it was I still get a little fog in my eyes, but it's no longer a yearning or a desperation. Just simple sadness. But I know everything is going to be okay. Everything IS okay.

My advice to anyone in a similar situation would be just to hold on to yourself. You KNOW yourself, and you know that you are strong, so be strong. Also, you have to let go of the situation. There is no instant cure for emotional pain. There is only time and you've got to trust that. And trust yourself. Like I said, you KNOW yourself more than you think you do, trust yourself.

----

On a somewhat related and unrelated note, I am in another relationship and I AM calling it a relationship now. Admittedly it was too soon to ever start anything when we got started, and it probably DID start as a rebound. Luckily the guy I'm with is fantastically understanding about everything. All I have to do is explain my worries to him and he just seems to know what to do. It's starting to get serious and that makes me feel two things. Excited, and Scared. But that's normal, right? Haha... I guess that's what anyone feels when something gets started... but I just feel a little more excited and scared than I thought I would. It's scary. Letting someone else in like that. But it's fun, and he's awesome and I'm happy about the whole thing. We'll see where it goes from here.

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Alright so here it is, the truth. I'm gonna lay it all down. It's a very long story but I needed to lay it all out. Mostly for myself.

*sigh*

So, three years ago I met my first love (and lovER) Matthew. I was what... 16? And he was 17. Wow, now that I think about it we were SO young. We are still, I suppose. Of course I didn't realize then that we were going to fall in love or even less that we would be lovers. It took a year for us to open up to each other sexually (which I'm glad of because my first was so personal and ideal). I don't remember at what point exactly that we fell in love, but I do know that it was a great thing, and something I don't regret.

But one thing I've learned through all this that what goes up must come down. Hell, I've learned that a lot of scientific laws can be applied to relationships. It's that basic. It's that complicated. About a year and a half into it I think... perhaps maybe two years into it is when the fighting started. Such petty fighting. Stupid, silly and immature fighting. Fights about what we were going to eat for lunch, or whether or not we were going to go out or stay in at night. I felt myself reverting back to a child whenever we fought. Kicking and screaming. Crying. Calling each other names. I don't know at this point whether or not the fighting is really relevant. But I feel the need to mention that it was a significant component of our relationship. I should also mention that the fighting wasn't really that big of a deal until the end of the last year or so. All of a sudden I just found myself getting frustrated at every little thing he did. I don't know why. I don't really even know if I paid attention enough to notice if he got fed up with me too.

During this time I was working at Hollywood Video. This may seem an irrelevant fact, but oh how it is not. At work I developed a little bit of a crush on one of my coworkers, Ben. It was nothing serious, I kept myself from acting on it. It was just casual flirting at work. At least that's what I intended it to be... But over time it just began to grow. We'd have fun at work. Then I quit in August because it was time for me to move to Denton for school. I got his AIM screen name and phone number so we could keep in contact. All the while I have been telling Matt very little about all this because I knew how upset he would be. Ben and I ended up talking quite a bit on chat and eventually the phone while I was away at school. Towards the end of August that year I was severely confused. No doubt, I put myself in that position.. but still I felt lost. Were there other people out there? Were there other things to see? To learn? And at the same time, Matt and I were fighting quite a bit. So I made the decision to break up with him.

A week went by. I had one date (I guess it was a date) with Ben during that weekend while I was home. We saw Crank, and went to a party afterwards. I didn't kiss him or even hold his hand. I cried when I got home. I felt incredibly guilty and nervous and strange.

A few days later I called Matt, apologized, and he never fully forgave me for that but I didn't blame him and things did get better. And for a while after that the fighting wasn't so bad. Things were getting better, and I started feeling pretty good about us. That things were taking a turn for the better. We went on seeing each other at least once a week while I was away at school and things were good and back to normal.

Then as this last school year was coming to a close we decided we'd go on a vacation. We had been talking about this vacation since before spring but now we were finally going to do it. Camping in Colorado. We planned for it to be the week after school got out.
It was the weekend before final exams that we had a fight I'll never forget (for no reason other than it was the tipping point for what was to come). We had planned to go to the movies that friday night for the midnight showing of Spiderman 3. He forgot about it and a friend of his from out of town was having a party. Accidentally double booked. So he decided to go to the party instead of the movie, and I overreacted and started picking for a fight. Then I asked if I could just go to the party with him instead of the movie, and he told me he didn't want to expose me to the people he was going to be around that night. He was always doing shit like that... being protective. I don't like that. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Although he was probably right to keep me from going because I have a feeling there would be harder drugs than I'm used to being around at that party. ANYWAY! I digress. We had a fight.

I call him the next day- no answer.

A few days later I finally get a hold of him and he tells me he wants to talk.
Not talking for a few days was a pretty big deal for us and I was worried and anticipated what was coming.

So he breaks up with me. Said it was because he wasn't ready, needed to clear his head etc. The same thing anyone ever says when they break up.

I take it hard (understandably) and break down at his house that morning. For the first like 10 minutes he was talking to me I didn't even believe him. Then I just let it all out. I cried harder than I think I ever have. I tried to leave his house, then I came back and cried some more. He held me a little. It calmed me, but then I just imagined that this skin so familiar to me would soon become foreign. That when I look at his face I will no longer see what I see now. To become strangers. My mind goes crazy in moments of stress and vividly imagines things like this. It is not good for me.

The month to follow that terrible morning is only a blur in my memory now. A single moment that lasted for many days, during which each second stretched out like hours. Time is a hard thing to understand. Especially when looked back upon.

Eventually I pulled myself out of bed, got my old job back at Hollywood video, and tried to communicate with other people again. I started hanging out with my friends which was an IMMENSE help. I started telling everyone bits and pieces about my pain to get the reaction I needed. That sympathetic hug. That angry, mean comment about Matt. It all felt good to me. I started learning how to feel awake again.

I also rekindled my friendship with Ben at this time. I had indeed missed him, even if only as a friend, and genuinely wanted to get back to talking to him again.

Now here's when it really starts to get complicated. I don't even know if I remember it all right, or in the right order... but this is what I can reacall:

Ben and I decide to start something. This lasts about a week or so and I get scared of what I'm doing. I think at this point things just hit me. What the hell has been happening? Is this a rebound? I don't know what to do.
So I tell Ben I didn't know what I wanted and had to leave him alone for a while.

Then during that weekish that I wasn't talking to Ben, Matt wanted to hang out and get lunch one day. I went. We ate at Schlotzkeys and went to Half-Price Books. It was totally un-constructive. I cried... a lot. I Gave him a CD I made. And his little girlfriend was text messaging him the whole time which put this disgusting feeling in my stomach each time his phone buzzed. Which in turn made me cry more. I realized he just came to give me closure. And maybe I came to get more? I don't even know.

A few days after THAT I call Ben back up. Don't remember why. Just felt like talking to him. At this point I have left and come back to him too many times. I don't even know what exactly happened that night on the phone. But I remember it was bad. And that throughout the entire conversation I was on the website for this movie Sunshine, and was watching the solar flares of this animated sun.

Then some more time went by and I saw Matt again. Just briefly. We were going to watch a movie. During the movie he kept looking at his watch. Apparently he had more important things to do, so about 30 minutes into it I told him I could just go if he wanted me to. He didn't even protest, or say sorry. So I left. More crying.

THEN a few days after that. I called Ben up again and I was like OK. For real this time. And I meant it. He's such a cool guy and we have fun together so why not? I'm truly single now, there are no repercussions.

And since then Ben and I have been doing great. I enjoy it a lot.

Right now I am on vacation in Chicago with my family and yesterday I get bombarded with text messages on my phone. It's Matt. He's found himself. He wants me back. etc. I knew this was coming and I thought I was prepared for it.. but... ??? I dont know anymore.

What gets me is.. no apology or anything.

So I call him to talk about it. He asks me if I'm still with Ben. I say yes.
Asks me if I've had sex with him.
Yes.
Asks me if he was a better lover.
I said I don't know...
Asks me if I love him.
No. But I like him a lot and it wasn't a mistake.

Then he's got the nerve to tell me that now he's not so sure he wants to get back together with me.

I wish I would have responded to that with something strong, something smart. But all I could say when he said he needed time to think about it was "OK"

I am an idiot.

And right now.
I don't even know. I don't know if I want him back. I have been telling myself lately that I don't. We fought too much. He's selfish. Ben is great. Things are fine. I have been doing okay without him. I don't need him.

But then the "what if's" settle in. What if we can fix it. Sometimes a break is what you need to make things right. I believe that. What if he is what I need... his sense of logic helps me, his strength enforces me, and his dedication inspires me. The essence of him is what should matter... right? Not the petty things that can be fixed.

I just don't know.

And a hard part of it is Ben. After all I've put him through, how do I tell him I need time to think again? Can I get away with clearing my mind of things without telling him until I have to?

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