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There's chemicals in the clouds...
Saturday. 3.31.07 10:21 pm
oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung
beore the takeover, the sweeping insensitivity
of this still life

--

Life is weird as hell.

It's hard to know where I'm going, and even harder to know where I'm coming from.
Have things truely lost the beauty, the poetry they once held?
or
Have my eyes been blurred by the criss-crossed grid of expectations, and worldly pressures in my line of vision?

I used to sweep through my days with such quiet observation. I used to set my ego aside and breathe in the air as it is.
I used to speak such sweet whispers of understanding.
People used to be curious of me.
I used to have a secret universe of passion and wonder behind my eyes...
and I used to share that with anyone who inquired about it.

Where have I gone?

I want it back not just for the people that will just simply pass by me.
I want it back for the people who have changed ME.

For one person in particular. One person that I love the deepest...

yeah. I go deeper...

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nothing can beat denial...
Wednesday. 2.21.07 7:49 pm
this apartment shit is stresssssing me out!

I could live with the lamest people ever in a pretty nice place for good money. And their parents pay all their shit for them so I won't have to worry about skipping out on rent etc. But they want to make a desicion like... NOW.

or I could ditch them and hang on the hope of rooming with one of my best friends who is still unsure of her finatial ability to move out.

OR there is this awesome girl I know who is getting a place in May, and she invited me like... months ago. plus she is 22. helll yeah.
but I have to go home to fill some requirements at the community college there.
she DID however tell me to keep in touch because she needs someone in August.

OR (and this is the least preferable) I could be stuck in the dorms for another year if I don't fucking make up my mind.

WHAT DO I DO???

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wish that I was born a thousand years ago
Sunday. 2.18.07 4:45 pm
park by the fence away from suspicion
in our coat pockets cans of liquid
walk along the air is cold and thin
when will we get there?
don't fall of the cliff
then
crouching in a circle, six
us, in a crude hut of sticks twigs and
plastic lining the walls to keep the wind
modern poverty
tragedy as beauty?
sky as dark and full as our pupils
pinpoint stars were the cities on a map
rusty old camping grill hot with ash
blow a little harder feed the passion
speak quietly
the woods are shallow
choking now on suburban cleanliness
synthetic air smells so numb
breathe in smoke swirling
fantastic forms floating by
trying to connect
to worlds now dead
a hopeless plight?
I thought it might

be.

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further than the river
Friday. 2.2.07 11:15 am
I don't know what I'm doing in college. That fact makes me laugh sometimes.

I like that I feel somewhat on my own, and that my choices about how to live are limitless at this point.
but with each choice the number of following choices divides in half... and it dwindles on down the line until I'm stuck somewhere. And I've gotta hope that where I end up is where I will be happy.

It's a gamble.

I am either going to switch my major to film, or minor in it. Depending on how my portfolio review this spring goes.

I think it will be good to have a background in graphic design in the film industry. A lot of the same concepts are applicable.

I haven't told my parents yet because they want me to minor in something usefull like Business or Advertising.
But that sounds so boring. I may take a class or two in business... but I dont want to minor in it. Such an excuse for a mundane life, I think.

My biggest problem is caring. it's hard for me to care about school.
And something like business is NOT going to help that happen. I need to stimulate myself.

And I need something MORE than these basic drawing and design classes I'm in right now. The people I've met through it are cool... but I hardly ever feel inspired.

I think I understand the basic priciples of gestalt, and the components of a good composition. that's why I'm here. I understand the science of it and I enjoy it...
now let me APPlY it.

so that's my school rant.

My social life is improving lately. I enjoy my friends in class but our relationships don't seem to extend past that. I don't mind much, though.

That is all probably cause to my social efforts all being aimed at Matthew. But honestly I am getting better. I think we are finally getting over the addiction stage... and into something much more... freeing.
Honestly I thought my moving an hour away would cause this to happen months ago... but we're just both such addictive personalities.

Well, I have plenty to do...
so I will bid you adieu, nutang.

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grow up and blow away...
Thursday. 1.25.07 9:23 pm
If she weren't writing in blood
She'd bring him her jokes, a new liver,
And a shovel for the mud.
If he were not knee-deep in mud,
He'd bring her his drugs,
He'd get her a typewriter.

I like Metric... I like any kind of music that relaxes me now a days... it's so hard to find time to do that... relax.

I also like this journal. Because no one I know in real life reads it 'cept Jon. Hi Jon. Jon is like my source for unbaised perspective.

I had a strange nightmare two nights ago. I was a prostitute. And I was in this room with a guy and he was... gettin nudie on me. And I was going with it until the last second. I started crying and I was saying, "I can't do this, I can't do this!" The guy was pissed but he left me... and then the head of the department I worked for was having a "chat" with me (you know the kind of uncomfortable boss chats that are always them scolding you).. she was saying " you know, I dont know what your problem is, we are a clean facility... we screen all customers for STD's and use condoms. Plus you are on birth control." And I was crying still... "No. no, that's not it" and then some other prostitute looked at me and was like, "do you have a husband?" I just stood there, drenched in tears, and said Yes.
I wasn't sad while I was crying either. I was just... crying.

what does that mean?

got me.

aside from that.
My relationship with Matt has been a long one... and serious too. but over the past yearish we kinda just fell into this... routine based thing. Where we just hang out all the time and mostly watch TV, movies, sometimes we even GO to the movies, and have mindblowingly awesome sex. But we don't talk much... And I will admit that it was fun just being goofy and mindless together.. but I'm ready to start talking again. And I think it's getting there. I get upset at him sometimes because he's always tired and just WANTS to do mindless activities... and I guess I need to take into account that he IS always tired because he works 45-50 hours a week, goes to school full time, and hangs out with me, and hangs out with his brother and their friends... and he has to do all this for no one to get upset at him. *sigh*

Soon I will be busy too. What with portfolio review coming up, the increasingly pressing need for a job. I won't be able to afford my housing payment here in march.
I think I am going to start pulling the phone numbers off of those flyers about "someone take over my lease for $X" Not only do I hate it here, and is it a shit hole... but it is too expensive for what it's worth.

Anyway. that was a nice lengthy rant but I needed it. thanks nutang.

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please...
Monday. 1.8.07 11:36 pm

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