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The Invitation- Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
What you need to know
Name: Meggyo
Status: in a relationship
Occupation: student at Slippery Rock Unviersity
Majors: exercise science and enlgish lit
Location: Hershey PA for now
Who I am: a ridiculous short girl who is trying to live the most now while looking so eagerly foward to the rest of her life
Where I wish I was: in his arms
Current question: should I stop wishing for things to go back to how they used to be?
Song of the day: ps. if this is austin by Brad Paisley
The Dance- OMD
I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don’t jump up and shout, “Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!”
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiraling down into the ache within the ache,
and I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, every day.

Don’t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
and see who I am in the stories I live.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly okay with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving
those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance,
the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul’s desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs
you want our children’s children to remember.
And I will show you how I struggle not to change the world,
but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging.
Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words,
holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind,
dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale
of the breath that is breathing us all into being,
not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don’t say, “Yes!”
Just take my hand and dance with me.
Monday. 4.14.08 11:23 am
So, I think... I think I just lost my mojo. My hardcore, excited, enthusiastic, nothing can stand in my way mojo for the future. Dunno why really, maybe it's just the cycle of things, maybe I'm due for this mid early life crisis once again. I guess I haven't had one in a while, all year really, so yes, I've been doing a lot better, but I guess I couldn't avoid never having another one again.

I guess it is true that women in relationships act in cycles: cycles of need and cycles of comfort.

Maybe this whole not going out and exploring the world thing is something I wanted more than I let myself believe, and maybe I'm just feeling a bit stiffled. So I settled for a different change, a dog, in an apartment, but no, that was too much change for Keith. It's like having enough energy for an atomic bomb but you're told you can only make a sparkler. I think it's just one thing ontop of another ontop of another, that I'm not able to do... and I don't want to become one of those people who regrets not living the way they want to. I guess in the end we might compromise each other. We wouldn't ever do anything out of the daily schedule if it weren't for me, and we might be eating rice and beans for the next ten years if it weren't for Keith. It's not that I'm not worried about financial stability, I am, but I'm also worried about wasting these years when we can actually do things not mainstream, not just go to work 40 hours a week for the rest of our lives starting now... why does it have to start already? Or if it starts already why can't there be more in store than JUST working? Why not meet new people, do new things, I like schedules, but not to the effect that you do the same thing every week with the same people. I need a schedule to motivate me, but when it comes to my time, I want new experiences.

Oh well, class time. Why do I just feel like crying

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It's a very lonely year
Saturday. 9.15.07 2:01 pm
Well, this is the end of week three. A lot has happened, a lot is going on and a lot has still yet to occur.

After a lot of ups and downs, I have boiled it all down to one cause of unhappiness... loneliness. It's not the being busy from 7am-9pm and it's not the stress caused spats with friends or co-workers, and it's not the never ending extra things that need to be fit into my schedule or the waking up at 6:30am to go to the gym... that I actually enjoy because it's the one time of my day that I can breath and enjoy just being by myself. It's the disconnectedness from friends, from people, from loved ones. It's the fact that after three years on this campus I have already met pretty much everyone I will ever meet, and that I have run out of "could be friends". It's the fact that all of the people I relied on, enjoyed spending time with, have become too busy themselves and that no one really has the initiative to plan time out to spend together. So that is what I did this morning while procrastinating a paper I have to write. I called up three people and left messages telling them when I was available and that I really wanted to spend time with them next week.

I need that. I need that connection. I think I've lost part of myself, part of that respectable, level headed person I am always trying to become. I feel extremely fragil, like I will break at any moment, give in, fail to be the person I could be, fail to find good things out of unfavorable circumstances. The only thing that keeps me going is the eye on the future, that this IS worth something.

I think coffee, caffeine more specifically acts as an anti-depressant for me. That and exercise. It really does, and I'm surprised people haven't made this connection, or perhaps they have and it just never went anywhere. It's a stimulant and a stimulant awakens your overall awareness, reduces pain perception and increases blood flow. Perhaps that fake feeling of energy, of attentiveness, is enough to change one's perceived mood. Don't we often associate the lack of energy, of being able to concentrate or pain with it being a bad thing, something to do with our mood and not just a state of bodily functioning? Maybe we over generalize these things.

I really like having a fish here on my desk. I can always look over at it to know that someone is keeping my company. He is so active most of the time too, he doesn't just float around but flirts perpetually with my frog figurine that my parents got me two years ago to remind me to relax. I couldn't imagine what the fish must think of it's existance, and I feel bad at times for keeping it in such a bowl. I know that it keeps doing laps to figure out why it can see things outside of it, distorted images by the glass and the water, but why, on the other side, there are things it can't touch. That must be a very frustrating existance... kind of how I feel at these days though-- there is so much just over the glass pane that I feel like I will never be able to touch.

Well I'm off to check out the town Village Fest. Then back to study Drugs and Behavior, and then hopefully finish this paper.

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changes a comin'
Monday. 9.3.07 7:32 pm
I got a fish. His name is Chispa Roja meaning Red Spark in spanish... ChiChi for short. He's my meditative escape, my company, my connection to living beings when I'm stuck in my room.

I would get plants for my room too if I had the money or the room.

I think I've reached that point in my life when I now can be called an adult. I get fish and I want plants.

This past weekend was what a weekend SHOULD be. Friday afternoon I gathered with friends from all different groups here at school and traveled almost two hours south to the Rascal Flatts concert. I wish I could've enjoyed the music a bit more, but the people connections and conversations I guess made up for the money lost in not listening all of the time. I was impressed by their singing though, and they do put on a great concert. THe lawn is fun. Then Keith came up for a visit, spent the two days lounging, cooking, and just being in bliss. Then today came and I went out shopping with Becca, went for a long walk in the sun, and did mindless housework.

Welp, gotta go talk to my babe.

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Two and a half years
Saturday. 7.7.07 2:03 pm
Dun dun dun... the past two and a half years seem like an eternity and at the same time seem like less than one. What really amazes me is the amount of change and growth for the both of us that has occured within the past two and a half years, the multiple obstacles, flaws, screw ups, mistakes, challenges... two and a half years of them and here we are finally, in a place that I believe we both are content with, perhaps even the happiest we have ever been. I can easily see how most couples break up before they reach such a longevity. I wouldn't even say that we are the same people, or that we even have the same relationship we had a year ago, let alone two and a half. But we made it, and because we did not come to each other this way to begin with, I think that makes us stronger, because instead of showing up complementary to each other as we are today, we had to work at it, understand each other deeper, and fight for us. In that way, I hope that we prove to be able to beat anything.

Funny that an anniversary would land on such a gold mine of a date. I hear that tons of people are choosing 7707 for their lottery ticket numbers. I wonder why 7 was designated a lucky number, and not three or six.

There's so many open doors for our future now as well. Optimally, Keith would get a job offer teaching near home this coming year, he would emergency teach meaning they would let him teach but he'd have to complete his exams and stuff before the end of the year, and then they would be like, yea sure, go to Spain to earn your masters... here's some money while you're at it. Then we'd go to Spain for a year, I'd do houskeeping about 30 hours a week and tutoring English for 15 hours a week, while Keith earned his masters and taught english to kiddies. Then we'd come back to the US, I'd go to grad school, Keith would go back to teaching, and bam... done. Other options include, just going to Spain next year after substitute teaching and after I graduate. Coming back, finding a teaching job and maybe me a job and/or grad school depending upon the location of his job. Or, he gets a job offer this year, I graduate, we stay in Maryland and I go to grad school while he teaches, and go to Spain for a honeymoon instead.

About grad school, I really am unsettled about what I want to go for, which is why Spain presented such an awesome opportunity because it would give me time to do "other stuff" learn more about myself and hopefully find a passion. However, as of this moment, I am content with this program I found at UMBC funny enough. I'd looked at it before but never agreed that it would be a great combo, although I am not sure as to the ultimate job at the end, but it would leave a lot of options open. It is called Human Services Psychology. It combines, clinical psych, behavioral medicine, and social-community psychology. Perfect really. It would take about 6 or 7 years to complete the PhD, one year is out in the field, and two years I think are doing research along with a few classes. Chances are good Keith could find a job in Maryland, so maybe... just maybe we could move in together at some point. Plus it'd put off my parents thinking about moving for 8 more years, until I'm really settled, it's close to both homes, there are tons of opportunities in and around Baltimore including John Hopkins and the Krieder Institute, and even though I do not like the humidity of Maryland, I would like to finally be close geographically to Keith.

So yes. two and a half years marks quite a remarkable journey so far. I can't even imagine what the next two and a half years could hold.

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quote of the week
Wednesday. 6.20.07 10:19 pm
Is that an occupational hazard of soulmates? One's not much without the other?- What Dreams May Come

I'm slightly jealous. I'm a little bit sad. I'm kind of perturbed. I'm always tired. I'm also anxious. I'm minutely fearful.

I'm slightly jealous, no make that really jealous that these people I have never met or will ever meet get to witness the multitude of attributes that I love about you, that I am not a part of over there. I am a little bit sad, just for the sake of not being completely happy, not feeling completely whole or fulfilled. I'm kind of perturbed at the ignorance and rudeness of some people, including my own. I'm always tired.. unless I am really awake and energized. I'm also anxious about driving, the rest of the summer, being with you again, next year--- being away from you again. I'm minutely fearful of what could happen at any given point that might sweep away all my dreams. The uncertainty of life is both invigorating and suffocating.

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to live
Friday. 5.18.07 4:37 pm
Whoever said that there is not some biological clock ticking inside of each and every one of us for when we are ready for life to occur has never opened themselves up enough to really live. There are things we feel that we can always ignore, justify as to why the timing is not right, or just try to shove off onto some other cause. If we try hard enough we can do these things to everything and anything we feel. If we try hard enough, sooner or later it will all come tumbling down to remind us from what we are running away.. because like I said, it's inevitable. Someone has had a bigger plan from day one, we just choose to ignore it.

For all the reasons I could list and for all of those same reasons it will never happen, motherhood is not in the cards for my life quite yet... according to society, and according to life plans and according to the simple fact that this is not the time in one's life to even think of settling down and doing the mommy thing, there seems to be no fooling mother nature.

Something in women tells them when it's time to be a mother, but in our culture we dress this feeling up as wanting a pet, as being preoccupied in a career oriented goal, as wrestless leg syndrome, anything! not our hidden wish to have something to love us back, to take care of, to do what species do-- procreate. According to everything anyone taught us women in society, settling down does not happen until school is over with, career is in place and house is bought. Unfortunately that does not happen until one hits the prime age of 30 these days, and sometimes none of those things ever happen.

So when exactly IS the right time? When do we stop living our lives according to plans that people in general feel are the most appropriate for the calculated predictive success and start living according to how we FEEL? I doubt those days will ever see the sunlight.

There are so many things that I wish I could just step away from my life right now and go do. I want to have a dog that I go rescue people with, I want a job working with kids in the hospital, I want to teach adolescents how to protect themselves from STIs and believe in themselves to have better than they think is possible, I want to teach senior citizens the importance of eating well and getting exercise, I want to be a house parent at some private school until I can afford to get my own place.

I want drive freely without fear, I want to live each moment to the fullest and not continually feel like I will look back on these days and think, "woman, you wasted life right there"., I want to give and yet there is no one willing to take, I want to thrive, and life... circumstances... rules... are just getting in the way of that.

That's what I've been feeling lately, mostly because I have time to think about it, and time to feel how useless I am right now. People tell me over and over that I should enjoy the down time, that I will be looking back wishing I embraced it more when in a few months I will be tearing my hair out with classes and training and eating and meetings and work. But in reality, none of that is comforting, because I LIKE being busy. I FEEl like a useful person. I NEED to be doing SOMETHING and not just sitting around on MY ass all day serving no one, doing absolutely nothing! I am not bettering the world, or my family or my friends by any stretch. I am contributing absolutely zero to the betterment of society or to anyone's sanity. This is who I am. I have tried to change that person many times, I have tried to embrace moments that others would do many ridiculous things for, but I just can't. I know exactly who I am, and I am someone who needs people, who needs to learn, who needs to feel useful, and who absolutely crumbles when she isn't allowed to be that person.

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