Hey, everybody! I just opened up a new e-mail account! My new e-mail address is thehigherthebetter@hotmail.com so e-mail me and let me know how everyone's doing!

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To get to the point, I'm going to try to name off everything that has happened since my last entry:
I'm now dating Scott, who I also live with at his mom's trailer.
I graduated from high school.
I have 2 kittens; their names are Rabbit and Muffin.
I smoke.
I'm planning to move in with Scott and Zach (and possibly Wiggles) when Zach gets his uncle Arthur's trailor in October.
All in all, a lot has happened, but I'm not sure how to say it all. Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed the outline of my so-called life...

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Last night and early this morning, Matt and I got in a fight over him not caring about me. Sometimes, I really don't think that he does... I mean, Matt can be nice sometimes (but it's the overall effort that counts). For instance, Matt never seems to console me anymore when I'm upset about something. He usually ends up telling me to be quiet, yelling, or threatening to leave. When I'm in a good mood, then he usually is too; it's just that I can't be expected to be happy 24/7! I keep telling Matt that I want him to change (not into a totally different person, just into the guy I knew before he became like this), but he keeps telling me that I need to change too. By this, he means that he wants the "happy Samantha" back. However, a lot has changed in my life; Matt can't expect me to act the same as I used to after all I've been through. Besides, I can't come close to being happy if Matt is going to be a jerk to me when I'm sad about something; that's when I really need him there to comfort me. I have to give Matt credit, though; he eventually did rub my back until I went to sleep...

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Where do I start? Obviously, there has been a lot of shit going on since Christmas... However, I'm not going to try to touch on every single thing that has happened; I guess I'll just start writing, and I'll explain things if they happen to come up... I'll just deal with current issues... Right now, Matt is at work (from 11-3, since he only gets about one day a week and about four hours now). After work, he's going to Kim's to get transmission fluid for his car and put it in it. Then, he's going to come here to watch the Super Bowl. I guess he's spending the night too. It'll be nice to wake up tomorrow morning and get ready for school with him here, not to mention how he's stayed the night since Friday! After school tomorrow, I think I'm going to go to Cody's so that he can put new speakers in my car. My neon is going to be bangin'!

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Well, Christmas is over. I got through it so I'm fairly happy (I figured Matt and I would battle the entire time, but it wasn't that bad). I got a car care kit, an umbrella, two picture frames, magnetic cat tracks, a heating blanket, a trac fone, an ornament, jumper cables, a digital camera, candy, socks, pajamas, a robe, shoes, a shirt, a sweater, two scarves, three cds, Hungry Hungry Hippos, minutes for my trac fone, an orgasm keychain, two bears, a pillow, a rug, slippers, underwear, a coat, a stocking, a raffle ticket, two movie tickets, brushes, a necklace, shower gel, bath beads, bath crystals, body spray, lotion, bubble bath, two rings, perfume, a license plate, a car decal, and probably a bunch of other things that I'm forgetting... I spent the night at Matt's last night, which would have been fun if the "crew" (Samantha, Sabrina, and Mike) wasn't there...

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I write to keep myself happy, but to remain sad as well. So, is writing satanic, or is it godly? Should I really write, or should I hold all this in-- this thing that eats me up inside every moment of every day? After these questions, my friends, I have come to somewhat of a conclusion: Matt is the devil. Or, is it our relationship? I'm not really sure about that one, but I do know that the situation I am in is only bringing me down. At first, the ups and downs were fun; they were almost to the point of delightful, like a roller coaster that never stopped. At first, the roller coaster is fun; I love the thrills and spills, and begin to find joy in knowing every hill and turn. Eventually, however, I get sick. I love this roller coaster; it's my favorite, but I also know that I should have gotten off the ride a lot sooner before I was stuck there. God, what am I saying? I wish I didn't feel like this; I really do, but I can't help how I feel-- no matter how much I love Matt. Right now, I don't even know where he is. I wouldn't mind it so much if I wasn't so scared; I'm terrified that Matt's going to figure out that I'm not the person he's thought me to be (well, how he used to picture me; God only knows how he sees me now)... I tried to call him at Subway (while he was supposed to be at Kim's), and there was no answer so Cody, Nate, and me decided to go and "tissue" (using tissues instead of toilet paper) the Bushs' house. I left a message on Kim's machine to tell him exactly what I was doing and when I would be home. However, when we got to the Bushs', Dusty's car just happened to be there (when Matt just happened to not be at Kim's). I tried calling him when I got back home, but there is no answer still. Therefore, I am left sitting here with about every bad thought possible going through my mind... Welcome to my life...

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