Never let Matt Putnam deceive you; he may seem nice at times, but when he isn't he's not worth giving the time of day for. I have went round and round with the kid, only to discover that his interior layer is filled with aggression and stabs in the back. In fact, I can supply proof for this through his usage of my feelings as a homeground for his own personal enjoyment. I have asked him over and over to try to stay away from alcohol. Not only is he supposed to watch his alcohol intake for the Air Force, but the boy has been drinking at least since he was 15 years old. At one point, he realized it was time to stop. However, I found out for myself that he was still intent on drinking a couple of nights ago when I was talking to him on AIM. I realized this because he told me he was "drinking a couple of beers and going to bed". I flipped out on him and told him he needed to stop. But, as usual, he played the "I didn't do anything wrong" and "It was only a couple" bit. I tried telling Matt that the group of people he hangs out with don't help and tried to persuade him to go more with his old friends, like Cory, Taylor, and Ray. He then played the "I'll do anything for you" and "I'll change" speech, which didn't even change things. After that was a series of arguments pertaining to him going to my old houses and hanging out with my family; him talking to Alissa Lee, some girl that flirts with everyone and I know will break Matt's heart; and him lying about everything. This argument led to me feeling horrible that I even fell for this shit again; I don't understand how the guy I fell madly in love with years ago was just an asshole underneath, scheming for all he was worth. I'm going to start my life over without him; let him have his unstable life...I've got mine to worry about...

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I was really sick today; I think it was because of the terrible heat and the factor that I was in an un-airconditioned trailer all day while Scott was doing a job for his uncles at C.A.F. All day long (before Scott arrived) I only ate crackers and tapioca pudding. When Scott got home, he realized how sick I was but tried to get me to eat the pizza that his mom, Penny, insisted on ordering for everyone. I got about a half of a piece down and couldn't eat anymore because I felt so sick. I layed back down and began to cry so Scott told me that everything would be okay, and we were going to go to Barb's so I could get feeling better (with her abundance of food and air conditioned house). By the time we got there, I felt like I was going to die. Apparently, my face was all red and I felt extremely heated to the touch. Once I layed down, Barb quickly covered me in cool, wet wash cloths and made me a dinner of cooked vegetables. As if this was not enough, she poured me a glass of juice and drew a jacuzzi for me! I guess Scott and I are staying here tonight so I can continue to feel okay...

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I don't know why there's been so much hurt between us lately, but it seems to be the same as when we were together... This is not what I want, nor what I need. I imagine that this does not come with your good graces either. We both said some horrible things to each other on AIM. I would not ever dream of wishing for anyone to die, especially not you. The thing is, you know that. You also know that I don't hate you; for some reason, I can't. However, I don't think that either of us should go through this again. I just stopped talking to you again on AIM. You did the usual round of apologizing, but I won't forgive you this time, not for the things you said about Scott and me. You just got back online, and you'll probably try to talk again...I was right. You're so set on death that I'm supposed to believe you'll kill yourself. Right now, though, I'm numb. I don't care what happens right now. I want all this to be over...all the fighting. Sabrina started all this, you know. You signed off again. This is probably supposed to make me freak out and believe that you're in the process of suicide. On the contrary, dear, you have too good a family that loves you. That'll stop you; I know it. I've been there, with nothing to stop me. I wish you would try it and not succeed...just to see how it opens your eyes to show you it isn't worth it. Spend awhile in the psych ward; that will teach you. I wish all this hadn't happened; I do. On the contrary, all this did. We aren't that couple that everyone expected would be the first to marry anymore. We're real now; welcome to the real world. This hurts, and it probably will never get better...Goodnight, Matt.

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Well, Dave Mood gave Scott and application to fill out yesterday for a job at Kane, the company that Dave works for (It seems as if the link for "bold" and the links for pictures don't work so I won't be able to spice up this entry much)... Anyway, Scott is currently at Dave's so that he can follow him up to Kane to hand in his application and see if he got the job(s). I guess the jobs pay quite a bit so it would be nice if he got either one of them that is being offered. Then, Scott's going to have to try to get back home (on his own) from Kane without getting lost. I stayed home; I was supposed to go to Barb's, but I don't feel very good so I stayed here to rest up a little bit. I also have a major headache so that doesn't help...

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