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Dirty Blood and Principles held...
Monday. 11.15.04 9:00 pm
I learned today.

Alot.

So, the talking to jess helped, the talking to my mum, finalized it.

Good for me.


First and for most, don't ever put anyone in front of your self. Always look out for numero uno. Your self. This world is too real to live it idealistically. as the mum would say "it's not all smooth sailing from here." well, i catch now. too well, but at least i catch. right?

Its a lesson that i've learned over and over again. I've gotten better but still have my weaknesses. I was way worse in the past and at least now, well, it's minor. Not much damage to the boat. I'll do fine. But it was in a sense a wake up call. Look out for your self, there arn't going to be people out there for you.

Next, well, there are blood lines you don't cross. dirty man. dirty and worthless. as the mum says, "your better then that, don't demote your self." as i agreed "hell, i have way more morals mum, i am better." Some bloodlines you dont touch. They leave a stench that won't wash out. I'll keep my space. I'll keep my intelligence. I've got alot more then meets the eye. So, FUCK off.

I left some words out. Thats ok.


Keep a smile man, keep it nice, there are games to be played, oh so many games, but I'm not going to. I believe there are principles that need to upheld. There are levels i dont cowtow to, and there are places i refuse to allow my self to go. So, games yes, played yes, me no. I've made a decision. I'm not going to allow that to affect me. So what dude, as Jess said, "you didn't lose" i Didnt. Shes so right. I've got my self. And all together, i know i am better. Thats basically it. I have to be. There are moves even i refuse to make. To low, and too dirty. So what man, tis life isn't it? I've got standards dude. I could, but i won't. Thats truly what i should do.

So i will.


I really do feel better, i bounce back man. The energy i like flows, straight through, above and all around me. ITs a ball in which festers the worlds existance of levity and rejuvination. Life is my name and the world my play ground. Let the rain pour, i'll dance with my umbrella and nifty shoes for the movies and shows. Don't worry bout me, i'm a good kid with a nice heart.

I'll be good.

Always am.

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fuck
Monday. 11.15.04 9:31 am
yeah, fuck. fuck it all. so many words that i need to pass and so little time in which to pass it. oh well. i can't say why i dont really. nm


Jess, you know what? Fuck feeling, fuck emoting, fuck it man.


yeah welll. there are words i need to tell you but i can't after school and not before. i can't right now b/c i'm in school. why the fuck is this happening? i'm not even writing well.
wtf


Lets put it this way, i've been shaded. i've been jipped, i also allowed hope to penetrate. Man, theres no real respect there when there should be.

"i'm blue as a girl can be..."

Ok the run down. First of all theres no respect there, none, no real care. which of course can not be good to begin with. they dont. well. nm but yeah then i was told interestign things. things that began to set hope upon me. then i allowed it to crush me. Fucking a.

Yeah, well thats my own stupidity.

"she's too greedy"

well, i should have heeded the dream. it told me and i didn't listen, captivated by the ideologies, the insanities, the impossibilities. what a world i live in. i allowed it to affect me when i know i shouldn't have but i let it anyways. what am i going to do...

man, fuck this whole feeling thing. it's way over rated. its way too much.

he was walking in the rain, letting it soak him up, it was interesting. he loved the wind, the damp, and the cold. he was walking to cities never seen before, to treasures that were immense in all their spectacular existance. then lies were told. words were passed, and this dreams were crushed. he fell into the pit, swallowing him whole in its sand of greed and inconsistiencies. why did he not see the pitfalls before him before it took his feelings to the blender of pain. what ever happened he grew from it. he knew that to feel was wrong and what to do was well, never really the right thing.

:i had good intentions but fucked my self in the process:

what should be never really is now is it? what is perfect never really works. now does it?

"they like them like that, dumb and easy, stressless"

yeah, fucken a. the mum tis always right. shes always right. well, yes always. I can't be dumb. that never really worked for me. i can't be pretty, not who i am. I can't be stressless i like the struggle too much. the fight's too fun. well i can wait to get out of here. out of existance in a city dead and lonely. its raining now, and what a perfect companion to a mood no other clarity could meet. I need out of the cows and country, i need out of the pitiful existance of boredom and brainless cruising. i need excitement of energy and buisness. i need a new life laced with old familiarities. i need to get lost in the crowd and i need to not stand out. i need to find a niche, where i am a "true friend" though they are "hard to find". i need to drink the liquior of rejuivantion, and forget this small trivilialities. i need to feel the city breath, as the cars pass by, the hobos beg, and the college kids run about. i need to go. go now. but then again theres still time that needs passing and theres still people i need to see. i cant let the past creep up again but i can't let these people penetrate me. they've seen too much already. theres one and only one. so "bear in mind it's hard to find, a true friend, a good friend" well, i've got my one should should i go and run? i believe i shall. enough of these people. enough of this stupidity, i need to leave. in search of true intelligence, in search of true individuality. what cookie cutters.

I'm done with it.

Time to leave.

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Power without will. Will without Power.
Thursday. 11.11.04 7:52 pm
So am suppose to feel with this? Am I suppose to allow guilt to wallow in this pitiless, wait pitiful, creature. Yeah, fuck off.

Fuck feeling guilty. Fuck feeling like shit.

Fuck feeling damn it.

I think the night has finally gotten to me. Its depth of severity, its loving touch, and its cold remorse. The annoyance creeping in, the fancy dying and the world shriveling before my very eyes. Fragments for your heart to hear. Words made to brush by, and looks most defiantly not caught by the eye. Welcome. And goodbye.

Its most defiantly here, my evil is back.

Long ago it was a child, long ago… its crept back, sitting in the shadows. It knew it’s place. It knew when to play, and when the time ‘twas just too dire to live in. Its leeched on a world I created, and people I met. It had its folly and much more, consuming the world, with little left. I shunned it to death. I let it die. To take the deep hibernation of eternal life. But of course hibernation is temporary and life, is infinite. Oh yeah, the temporal phase has passed now, and it’s back, full force, and ready to strike. Warn the masses, call the leaders, watch your children.

My evil streak is back…

It’s out for blood, its out for tears, and now, its out for him. What a scapegoat. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it.

You know what? Power is so easy to attain. As well as inflicting pain. Its simple really, but true art nonetheless. Its easy really, but talent nonetheless. I could do so much, Iago my parrot, simple sweet Desdemona my victim. I could hurt, I could pain, I could do so much. I’ve got the means. By no doubt, I’ve the devil’s clouds, and his spears of lightning. But I don’t, why. Who knows. If only I could lose this heart. This horrendous beating muscle of blood and tears. What a horrid existence. Power without will. Will without Power. Life without ability, Ability without Life. Wow.

I won’t. I’ll abstain. I’ll keep it back. I wont do it. Yeah. I won’t.

Too evil for even me. Yeah, keep telling your self Priscilla, maybe soon enough you’ll get it.

Hah. Manipulative games are wrong. WRONG, of course you’re not listening, and of course, you cant help but think it. Well, tis your decision, your life, your morals.

Fuck.

Anymore?

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What a world.
Thursday. 11.11.04 7:29 pm
Ok, so is this guilt in my heart? Is this odd quiver that seems to be screwing up my sinus rhythm actually a real emotion? Fuck, I believe so. I can't believe I am this off. Oh no. Wait, yeah, Priscilla does have morals. what an odd consequence. Its a child frolicking about walking as she pleases, laughing as it comes, and dancing where she wishes, but then the claw grasps her tight, scolding her happiness, her innocent ignorance. her carelessness. the Stoic stance of crossed arms, frowns, and of course shakes of the head. Yeah, morals can be a bitch.

So, I know I’m getting my self in trouble. I know I shouldn't be in this. I know there are consequences for what one does. I know that though my intentions were good, what I did was not. fuck, do you think all of the "fucks" in the world will erase this from history’s existence and plant me in a world where there isn't this heavy weight in my heart, and a guilty look on my face? I suppose not. but I sure as hell can try. FUCK!

"you can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything..."

What is everything of I? Merely a shell, or is it a complete world? Do you really want all of what I am? Or would you rather have me stare docilely and look at you with a pretty smile, and let you hear "what you want to?" Will you take the easy way out and choose beauty over brains? Will you see that you can’t live life always winning. will you realize that to truly win you must lose? I suppose not. I also suppose this is me blaming you for something that you couldn't help. I can’t expect everyone to be of the same standard as what I hold. I suppose that’s idiotic because, well, there are people yes, and not all of them will be able to match the world in which you have painted Priscilla. What a pity. No, I am trying to relieve this stench of guilt, and blaming the source seems to be the easiest method.

It’s true, it’s false, it’s all.

Ok, so you were wrong in your choice, but I was wrong in my lie. So we're in this boat together. though you may not know. *Sigh* I hate having to put on a mask, its lovely though, glittering in the light, joyful, colorful, and most of all nothing like me. I told you a lie today. To your face, you believed me. And in my heart, I felt it. Why must I have this thing that some nifty people, I think they're called psychologists, call a conscience. This really shouldn't affect me so. The lead heart needs to return to this pitiful creature who of course has scruples instead of cold laughter. Damn it.

"so you’re going to lose two friends?"

No I am not. I'm trying damn hard, with all of Samson’s strength, but your cutting my hair hun. What am I suppose to do? Even so, I’ll some how find the strength to topple the towers of the evil I have built. This is wrong. This isn't suppose to happen. I've stayed away for so long and now, I’ve allowed it to creep back in, hiding behind childish innocence, the monster wrapped me in its cloak, enveloping what bit of me is left, lavishing in the old feel of my caresses, yes, it loves me. Its child grown now, but its child nonetheless. Ah, the monster has returned. Returned, and I’m running. Clawing at its grasp hoping, somehow, by some miraculous ways I will stand against it, strong, and tall. refusing its indulgences.

I just might be able to accomplish it. Rename me David and it goliath. I have to win.

Lets see.

The dramas back. ah, an old friend, my evil nemesis.

What a foe.

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Sunday. 11.7.04 4:36 pm
Yeah dude, i want to bring back my writing. it'll be interesting.

Today was... interesting. i have words to pass w. you jess about it. an old match has been relit. haha...


oh yeah, 7-35 at my school in the morning, monday. be there. uh yeah, comment on this if you can, and if i can't check, i'll be there anyways. ok. DONT FORGET OR SLEEP THROUGH IT!!

ok. done for now.

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My forgotten Destruction
Saturday. 11.6.04 9:42 pm
This is me thinking off of the limb. Just going off on a tangent that poped into my head, You know what? I'm ready to go to college. It hasn't hit me but i'm ready and kind of excited to go. I was thinking about the people that i know, the ones i talk to, the ones that i might call friends yet dont. I really don't care about them and they don't care about me. I don't have any lasting friendships. with the exception of Jess, the rest of them are going to leave high school and not even think of me twice. Vice versa of course, so i was thinking. I want new friends now. I'm getting tired of these. Not tired but, i dont know. ITs the whole moving around pattern. Staying in one place for this long is starting to weird me out. Knowing these people for this long and still being around them the next year, its getting to be too much. This whole college thing is going to be great because well, new people, fresh start, i'm going to restart. It'll be great. This whole thought process came up when i was thinking about going out and really didn't want to go out with any of the people i could think of. every single one of them. Not good. Plus, jess is at work and yeah. all these phone numbers, all these people i know, all of it, pointless. Is it going to be like that in college to? I suppose yes, b/c that's priz, always like that. Knowing everyone caring about none. Eh, it's an interesting life. interesting enough. Of course, jess, is the only exception to this. the rest fade in due time, though some, a very elite few numbering at one or two left an impression that i have yet to kick. those, well, still faded, but they left a water stain...

Another thing, through all of these years, how many nick names have i come to? Wow, the list goes on, haha. (This all resulted from reading old letters, which turned my mind to the past, and well, the rest is history) P, P.Wan, Priz, Pris, Prissy, P Skillet, P Dubs, Manman, Pyro (wow, that one i remember, long time ago but one still) Lil sis, (to fucking everyone) yeah dude, i've been through alot of names. haha, none of them really me though. Priscilla never really fit me, still doesn't but, all of those names, just things for the laughter, things for people to call me. I suppose the one thats ingrained in me a bit more, is priz. That one came at a time when alot was going on, so yah. Priz. Time flies man. it really does. It grabs us by the hand, lifting us up, closing our eyes, taking us out on a fun ride. then all of sudden were back to our homes, desolate and bland, and time passed, we are where we are. Interesting.

The addresses are catching up to me. I've left alot of untied strings behind me, i've let them fester and bleed. And now, it's been so long they've scared over. leaving a permenant mark upon the victims, a sign to all of what has happened, a tribute to my destruction, and a symbol of my carelessness.

Time has happened.


I really have hurt alot of people, a tornado on a path with deathly power and immense imaturity. I'm not saying i was spared from pain my self, for far from it was my life lived, but the pain i inflicted, was true and hard. some will never recover, and some will bounce back, like the elastic in the balls of plastic that seem to never wear out no matter how much you beat them upon the wall. Still, there are those who i ruined, a smile shouldn't come to my face, but i did, i am not perfect. not always nice, and by far not angelic. I helped alot, but i hurt alot too.

This i forgot.


I'm not saying sorry, because that isn't my place, but i am acknowledging my own responsibility. Some people will never live the life they should be living because of me. Those people will live a life horrid, lost, and in the end chaotic because of what i choose to do. I've grown wiser since then, the nasty streak muted now, but i will always be me. This is why i pain, because i can cause it. A word of caution to all, do not love me, do not listen to me if there seems a glimmer in my eye, and do not allow me to influence you out of your own decisions. one should make their own decisions and ambitions based upon them selves, and not what some diabolical, manipulative bitch, says you should do. I'm not evil, i'm not bad, i'm not as horrid as it sounds, but i can be. hah, i really can. Yet, i have grown, so much, so much, since those days of destruction, i've learned alot. I dont necessarily go out willingly to cause pain. i don't. but if i do in some manner cause it, dont be suprised. don't be. thats me.


It's a double edged sword. half of you wanting to help the world and save everyone and anyone. the other half because of your own personal misery, disgust, and anguish, wants to destroy everything happy, and create a world where your pain is muted in comparision to the pain you've caused. Subconsciously i've caused a shit load of trouble, because of an inability to foster this sword and balance the edges. I'm better now, MUCH better. and only time will make it more so. I was learning then, i'm still learning, but at least now, i'm not as bad. thats a good thing.


a good thing.

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