Some people really do intrigue me. I dont know why. wait yes i do. I learned something interesting. Told a certain person some interesting information and recieved even more evasive info that was never the less intrigueing. I enjoy that persons company. Few do i associate with, and those select few, i feel lucky for knowing. There are a limited amount of people in my life. Some choose to enter, some i didnt. But all i must admit, do keep me entertained.

Dont tell me that people care. Ok. I know who does, and i know who doesnt. Its not that NO ONE cares. but that no one is a subsitute for someone. I know. This is how i choose to deal. This is how i will deal. You can thikn you know, but you dont. Sounds harsh but is true. Live my life. See the cold stares, see the turned heads, see the dispointment in her eyes. Live my life. Then comment. No its not something like i got in a little bit of trouble. My life is upside down. Things have ensued and you have no idea. So be it. I understand you dont have a way to know, but dont assume. Please. This is how i deal. This is how i feel. Dont condemn. You dont fucking know.


there are people who care. yes. but they are the ones who fade. they are the ones who wont last. She will.

I know my abilities. I know. I am scared shitless i must admit. BUt fuck you for attacking my self pity. No this is how i bring my self up. My condemning my self, i rise up. you dont know that. i do. see. You dontknow.

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slam will be interesting.

april 3rd. mother said a number of interesting things this morning. none all that good. we'll see.

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No one cares. Sitting in the car as we drove by the dank houses and cold concrete i realized. No one cares. There is not a single soul out there for me. No one to tell, no one to listen, no one to be with me. I understand this is how life will stand. and i understand that this is what i life has sent. No one cares. No one could give a damn. So what, the failure is running for office? she'll fail, why listen. So what, the failure has a poem that might win, she wont. why listen. So what, the failure has a mind, has eyes, has ears, and most of all, a heart, though slowly dieing. Dont listen. I am merely another person who tried and failed. I am merely another person who tried and fell. I will become nothing, like i have always been. Who cares. No one. I am alone. ALONE. so be it. I will run. I will win. I will slam. I will win. I will listen. I will survive. dont believe me, cause i have failed before. So be it. When i rise up, you wont be there to see. When i rise up, i will thank no one. So be it. This is what life has sent. This is what I will live this is what I will be.

Just. Me. Don’t care. Don’t listen don’t you dare.


Care


(sigh)

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I cant help it. I sigh. There are a billion things running through my head. So many things. There are a multitude of people running through my head. Guilt hammers at me. Happiness begs to be let through, Sadness drowns me, and question berates my being. I cannot separate these feelings and i dont dare answer them all at once. Lets try one at a time.

I cant think about jessica. I want to, but cant. There are things holding me back, risks i cannot take, and consequences i cannot heed. I did have dreams, many dreams. I believe my dreams. They are a curse and gift. But my dragon was chained. It was chained and being carried away. I cannot let that happen. I have to fight that. I have given up so much, for a reward much greater. But time must go by, much time, before i will be able to even touch what gold i have built up for. Thats what he tells me, thats what my dreams tell me. So be it. I hurt, i pain, and i guilt, but, this is my consequnce, this is what I deserve. This is what i will live through. i am sorry. Give it time. In time.

Shes not the only one in there though. I went home with bonnie today because i needed to pick up my dads stuff but her sister wasnt there and the stuff was in her car but anyways, i heard some interesting stuff on the way. dont know if i can write it on here. but she told me something that i took notice of. Interesting. didnt think it possible, but knew it secretly. Hrm. a heart is a beautiful thing to hide.


saw ben today. smiled. walked on. nothings going to happen. i sigh. nice kid. really liked chilling with him. fun to hang out with. hrm. classical music and gin. i smile.... till next nasa trip. eh.


today was suds day. it was interesting, annoying, and lovely all at the same time. (i forgot to add painful) hrm.


enough. im good. hey mr. twinkle. advice welcomed and thanked. ^_^

uh oh... a bloody nose... not these again...

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i dont know. i cant. not now. i cant. in time maybe. not now. Time. please. just give me time.

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i miss the intellects in life. i really do. reading shauns thing really reminded me of that. i miss talking. the people that i spend the most time with now are ju and rojo. rockets are my life. eh. i like them. i like the people. i need to hang out with rob. he's a decent intellect. i'd enjoy that. sit and talk with him. there are people out there that i would like to talk to. just sit and talk to. wont get the oppertunity but it would be enjoyable. eh.


im not running. in a sense i am but i'm not. i'm coming to terms with what has happened. i am accepting. theres nothing that i can do and i'm tired of saying that and being completly apathetic. but im starting to feel again. feel mad, sad, guilty, whatever it maybe but im feeling it. i am. thats what counts. i know i cant do anything so after feeling i accept and hopefully move on. i did with my mother hating me. i can with jessica. it'll hurt. but i can accept. sometimes i fall. i can get up.


i got the highest grade on the benchmark test for science and it amazes me. I got a better grade then naziear who by far is a genuis. it scares me. but it gives me hope. maybe i can do something with this shattered life. If i apply my self can i go somewhere? i dont know. i dont know. damnit.

lets focus on now. finish rocketry. build rocket. launch it. win.

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