Recentis's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

This is me thinking off of the limb. Just going off on a tangent that poped into my head, You know what? I'm ready to go to college. It hasn't hit me but i'm ready and kind of excited to go. I was thinking about the people that i know, the ones i talk to, the ones that i might call friends yet dont. I really don't care about them and they don't care about me. I don't have any lasting friendships. with the exception of Jess, the rest of them are going to leave high school and not even think of me twice. Vice versa of course, so i was thinking. I want new friends now. I'm getting tired of these. Not tired but, i dont know. ITs the whole moving around pattern. Staying in one place for this long is starting to weird me out. Knowing these people for this long and still being around them the next year, its getting to be too much. This whole college thing is going to be great because well, new people, fresh start, i'm going to restart. It'll be great. This whole thought process came up when i was thinking about going out and really didn't want to go out with any of the people i could think of. every single one of them. Not good. Plus, jess is at work and yeah. all these phone numbers, all these people i know, all of it, pointless. Is it going to be like that in college to? I suppose yes, b/c that's priz, always like that. Knowing everyone caring about none. Eh, it's an interesting life. interesting enough. Of course, jess, is the only exception to this. the rest fade in due time, though some, a very elite few numbering at one or two left an impression that i have yet to kick. those, well, still faded, but they left a water stain...

Another thing, through all of these years, how many nick names have i come to? Wow, the list goes on, haha. (This all resulted from reading old letters, which turned my mind to the past, and well, the rest is history) P, P.Wan, Priz, Pris, Prissy, P Skillet, P Dubs, Manman, Pyro (wow, that one i remember, long time ago but one still) Lil sis, (to fucking everyone) yeah dude, i've been through alot of names. haha, none of them really me though. Priscilla never really fit me, still doesn't but, all of those names, just things for the laughter, things for people to call me. I suppose the one thats ingrained in me a bit more, is priz. That one came at a time when alot was going on, so yah. Priz. Time flies man. it really does. It grabs us by the hand, lifting us up, closing our eyes, taking us out on a fun ride. then all of sudden were back to our homes, desolate and bland, and time passed, we are where we are. Interesting.

The addresses are catching up to me. I've left alot of untied strings behind me, i've let them fester and bleed. And now, it's been so long they've scared over. leaving a permenant mark upon the victims, a sign to all of what has happened, a tribute to my destruction, and a symbol of my carelessness.

Time has happened.

I really have hurt alot of people, a tornado on a path with deathly power and immense imaturity. I'm not saying i was spared from pain my self, for far from it was my life lived, but the pain i inflicted, was true and hard. some will never recover, and some will bounce back, like the elastic in the balls of plastic that seem to never wear out no matter how much you beat them upon the wall. Still, there are those who i ruined, a smile shouldn't come to my face, but i did, i am not perfect. not always nice, and by far not angelic. I helped alot, but i hurt alot too.

This i forgot.

I'm not saying sorry, because that isn't my place, but i am acknowledging my own responsibility. Some people will never live the life they should be living because of me. Those people will live a life horrid, lost, and in the end chaotic because of what i choose to do. I've grown wiser since then, the nasty streak muted now, but i will always be me. This is why i pain, because i can cause it. A word of caution to all, do not love me, do not listen to me if there seems a glimmer in my eye, and do not allow me to influence you out of your own decisions. one should make their own decisions and ambitions based upon them selves, and not what some diabolical, manipulative bitch, says you should do. I'm not evil, i'm not bad, i'm not as horrid as it sounds, but i can be. hah, i really can. Yet, i have grown, so much, so much, since those days of destruction, i've learned alot. I dont necessarily go out willingly to cause pain. i don't. but if i do in some manner cause it, dont be suprised. don't be. thats me.

It's a double edged sword. half of you wanting to help the world and save everyone and anyone. the other half because of your own personal misery, disgust, and anguish, wants to destroy everything happy, and create a world where your pain is muted in comparision to the pain you've caused. Subconsciously i've caused a shit load of trouble, because of an inability to foster this sword and balance the edges. I'm better now, MUCH better. and only time will make it more so. I was learning then, i'm still learning, but at least now, i'm not as bad. thats a good thing.

a good thing.